


Adrift

by HeartSabers



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alpha Ben Solo, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - You've Got Mail Fusion, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, I'm taking liberties with the trope mkay, M/M, Mental Health Discussions, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Psychological Trauma, Shameless Smut, Slow Burn, Smut, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Yes it's an ABO You've Got Mail AU, Yes it's an ABO slow burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2019-11-13 14:09:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 73,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18033206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartSabers/pseuds/HeartSabers
Summary: In the small seaside town of Ahch-To, veterinarian Rey Sanders is a crucial part of the Resistance, a group of activists who fight to protect the region’s endemic species. In a society ruled by biology and designations, Rey made a decision long ago that has allowed her to lead a peaceful, uneventful life - a stranger to the terrifying world of glands and pheromones. The winds of her past and her present shift, however, when First Order Enterprise decides to build their brand new resort in the very same sanctuary Rey and her friends have vowed to protect. Enter Ben Solo, the architect in charge of the project and the embodiment of everything Rey despises about Alphas. Luckily enough, not everything seems to be lost: deeply affected by Solo’s constant presence, she finds a friend and confidant in Kylo Ren, a kind, atypical Alpha she meets online and who seems to be struggling with issues strikingly similar to her own.TL;DR: The A/B/O, You’ve got Mail, environmentally engaged AU no one needs and no one wants.





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> “Tati, what the hell.” 
> 
> *feigns innocence* What?
> 
> “Aren’t you supposed to be working on your other WIP?”
> 
> Yeah. 
> 
> “Why are you posting this, then?“
> 
> It just wouldn’t leave my head, ok? It was torturing me. I had to get it out.
> 
> “You’re finishing Ruby Woo, though, right?”
> 
> Of course. 
> 
> “Ok, that’s….. wait a second. Is this a fucking angsty A/B/O You’ve Got Mail environmentally engaged AU?” 
> 
> Yup. 
> 
> “Tati, what the fuck is wrong with you?” 
> 
> If you ever find out, let my therapist know.

 

 

Blue bled into orange and orange bled into pink in the late afternoon sky, the horizon like a watercolor mural crowning the ocean. The approaching twilight tinted the waves a darker shade, forest green replacing the turquoise that lured hordes of tourists to the lazy seaside town every year. It looked beautiful, Rey thought, wiggling her toes, the cold sand soft and humid under the soles of her feet. Almost as if the sea had doffed the accessories it reserved for daytime, stripping itself down to a different kind of beauty before going to sleep. 

The lullaby the waves whispered against the sand was so beautiful it took Rey a few moments to realize a new instrument had come into play – a low, persistent cheep, almost drowned out by the wind.

She turned her face downwind and towards the sound, smiling when her eyes met the culprit’s round, dark orbs. 

“Hey, buddy. You lost?”

The little creature just cheeped again, tilting its tiny, feathered head ever so slightly.

“It’s ok,” she murmured, extending her hand towards the bird and wiggling her fingers to invite it closer. “We all feel like that sometimes.”

She grinned when her fingers finally touched the soft, white feathers between the animal’s eyes, and it chirped happily.

“You’re actually right. I _should_ get going. Finn’s going to murder me.”

With a heavy sigh, she wiped her sand covered hands on her ratty jeans, standing up slowly as her eyes strayed back to the ocean.

“It’s just so pretty, don’t you think?”

With one, loud chirp, her new friend flapped its wings anxiously.

“Hey, don’t you worry about that, okay? You’ll be fine. We’ll win this one. I know we will.”

The little bird hopped away before she had even finished the sentence, scratching the sand for food, and Rey tucked her hair behind her ear, wrapping her arms around her middle.

“We can’t lose,” she murmured to no one in particular, brushing more sand off of her jeans as she made her way back to her bike.

She rearranged the paper bags in the basket, making sure they were securely stowed before hopping on her pale blue ride and gliding down Main Street. The wind made her hair dance freely around her face, tugging at her loose fitting t-shirt, her shoelaces, the peeling stickers she’d adorned the rusting frame with. “Save the porgs”, “Thala-siren watch”, “If you can’t reuse it, refuse it”, “Go green, plastic is obscene”, they read, threatening to peel off and fly away with the wind with each long spin of the pedals.

Her nose felt cold by the time she finally pulled the brakes in front of a forest green wall, collecting the brown paper bags and fixing her windswept hair. “Resistance”, the battered sign above her head read, but she didn’t look up at it as she made her way inside.

“Took you long enough,” Finn grumbled from his sitting position on the floor, and Rey kicked his shin jokingly in response.

“You know how Han is. I might as well have had to pry the paint and brushes from his cold, dead hands.”

“Don’t mind Finn, he’s just hungry,” Rose chimed in, never looking up from the sign she was painting with delicate strokes. _Down with the First Order_ , it said in crimson, and Rey set the bags on the floor between Finn and Poe.

“Good thing Leia sent some sandwiches, then,” she said nonchalantly, smiling tenderly when Finn’s eyes darted towards her.

“Big bag. Dive in. Bon appetit,” she winked, sighing as she sat down cross legged, handing out fresh paint and new brushes.

“Leia’s a saint,” Rose mused, reaching for a new pot of red paint to replace her empty one.

“Makes you wonder how that _thing_ crawled out of her womb,” Poe murmured, biting his lower lip in concentration as Finn handed out sandwiches wrapped in tin foil. 

“Babe, that’s mean. She’d be heartbroken if she heard that,” Finn scolded, wiping his hands on his pants. 

“It’s no lie, though,” Rose insisted. “How many times has he visited his parents in the last decade? Three? And when he moves back it’s to do _that_? Special kind of asshole, if you ask me.”

Rey pulled her hair up in a bun sloppily, smearing green paint on her fringe in the process. She didn’t notice.

“Guys, as much as I’d love to discuss Ben Solo’s character, we’ve got two hours until the hearing starts.”

“It’s not really a hearing, though, is it?” Rose asked tiredly, biting into her sandwich. “It’s a big fat circus mayor Hutt cooked up to showcase that _monstrosity_.....”

“And we wouldn’t even be late for it if you hadn’t stopped by the beach to socialize with the porgs,” Finn teased, laughing as Rey feigned indignation.

“Hey, they’re the ones we’re doing this for, ok? You don’t get to write _porgs before resorts_ on that sign if you don’t respect them.”

“I respect them, peanut, of course I do. You’re the one I don’t respect.”

He never saw it coming, the crumpled up piece of tin foil that hit him on the side of the head.

“Ouch, you pesky little....”

“Oi, children,” Poe snapped his fingers, failing miserably in his effort to look stern. “Public hearing. 8 p.m. Less throwing, more writing.” 

 

__________________

 

Rey’s mind felt so foggy it took her a few seconds to realize the tickling feeling on her forehead was a bead of sweat making its way down her temple, snaking slowly but surely towards her cheek.

“This is ridiculous,” she huffed, wiping it away with the back of her hand. “This room is a swamp and those prehistoric ass wall fans are doing _nothing_ but make these signs a _fucking bitch to hold_. Where the fuck are they?”

“Big city prima donnas. Fashionably late. Yada yada,” Rose mumbled, slumped against the back wall of what turned out to be the stuffiest auditorium City Hall had to offer.

Poe shifted on his feet, his eyes fixated on the many rows of heads sitting between them and the long desk that had been set up in the front of the room.

“That, or just assholes.”

Finn nodded solemnly.

“Yup. I’ll go with assholes. And you should’ve eaten a sandwich, peanut. Your blood sugar must be super low.”

“No, it’s fine. I’m just hot. And sweaty. And my feet are killing me,” she muttered, resting her head against her friend’s arm.

It wasn’t fine. She was pretty sure she was one whiff of Ms. Jira’s cologne away from passing out, and her feet had gone numb about fifteen minutes before, but she just clutched her folded sign closer to her chest. The wall fan completed its cycle once more, blowing her hair softly and making the cardboard between her fingers rustle. The hot wind was thick with the scent of sweat, mold and poorly upkept carpeted floors. She closed her eyes lazily, nuzzling closer into Finn’s side and waiting patiently for the ancient, noisy monstrosity to go blow the scent of hell in someone else’s face. It eventually did.      

She may have fallen asleep for a millisecond, because she was startled when Rose elbowed her ribs anxiously, standing up straight to whisper in her ear.

“They’re here.”

And indeed they were.

A pasty redhead led the procession, his arrogant nose and puffed out chest making him look like every single thing Rey thought was wrong with the world, from loud eaters to global warming. A tall, imposing and menacingly beautiful blonde woman followed, her short hair all angles and sharp edges – much like Rey immediately pictured her personality would be. And the last one.....

The last one was staring at her.

No, not at her. Definitely not. It was probably some nonsensical public speaking technique – staring at a random point above people’s heads. Ignoring everyone’s presence. Picturing everybody naked. Whatever.

He had no reason to be staring at her with his jaw clenched and his nostrils flared out, his full mouth twisted into something that deeply resembled a disgusted frown. He had no reason to consciously hold her gaze for five endless seconds. Five minutes. Five hours. Five lazy summer afternoons.

She wouldn’t know.

And, above all, he had no reason not to tear his eyes away when Mayor Hutt got up from his seat in the front row, a grimy smile on his flabby lips, and positioned himself next to the long table where the three newcomers had taken their seats.

“Thank you, thank you all for coming! What a glorious night for the city of Ahch-To, a glorious night indeed!”

He opened his arms, his belly pushing dangerously against the buttons on his shirt.

“How about a warm round of applause to show First Order Enterprise the good old ahchtonian hospitality?”

The low buzz of the fan was almost enough to drown out the unexcited clapping of half a dozen locals.

“Yes, yes, we’re very happy to welcome Mr. Armitage Hux, Ms. Gwendolyn Phasma and – of course, my dear boy! – our one and only Ben Solo, who you certainly remember as former mayor Organa’s beloved son!”

Poe snickered so loud at the last words the noise of his disdain filled the entire room. Ben Solo had no reason to keep staring at her then, either, and still he did. 

No, he seemed to do. _Seemed_. Because he had no reason to be really looking.

“And anyone who’s witnessed the Organa family’s devoted commitment to this city throughout the decades will certainly have no insecurities concerning the great – truly great – plans the First Order has for Ahch-To. Isn’t that right, Ben?”

It was the redhead speaking, this time. Rey could see his mouth moving in her peripheral vision; could hear his cold, soulless voice filling the room. Could see the phony smile he flashed in Ben Solo’s direction. And, above all, she could see Ben Solo’s mouth when it moved.

“Yes. That’s right.”

His voice travelled slowly in her direction, and the wall fan chose this precise moment to complete a new cycle, blowing hot wind into her face once more.

His voice, deep and rich, invited itself into her bones, making them tingle under her skin. It hit her a millisecond before his scent did. Sound travels faster than pheromones, they say.

The thing is, pheromones are supposed to be invisible. Tiny. Nothing but infinitely small conglomerates of molecules secreted by specialized glands and processed by the olfactory epithelium. Truly, truly imperceptible to the naked eye.

So it couldn’t possibly be pheromones, this brick wall that hit Rey square in the chest, going 100mph. Nothing that tiny could suck the air out of her lungs that violently and that fast. This was something else.

It was salt water in the late afternoon, damp sand and life. Driftwood after a storm, tiny green speck of life sprouting on its surface, fast and proudly. Crackling fire cutting through the seaside breeze, something warm and roasted lingering underneath the smoke. It licked her skin, speaking of safety and warmth, of promises and bonds.

It whispered of home.

She was only mildly aware of the fact Hux was still speaking.

“....but I should let our chief engineer delve into the sustainability of the project, of course. Phasma, if you could tell us more about your plans for environmental integration, we could clarify......”

Rey forced herself to look away from him, her eyes glued to some elusive point right over Hux’s head. It felt like cutting her own chest open with a hot knife. In the back of her mind, Phasma’s voice started talking far, far away.

“Solo?”

It was his name on the blonde woman’s lips that finally shook Rey out of her trance. Judging by her tone, Phasma wasn’t calling him for the first time. And, judging by the change in topic, more than a few minutes must have gone by since the last time Rey had been able to listen to anything.

“Yes?” he rasped, his eyes darting towards his colleague as Rey’s attention turned towards him again.

“As I said, this would be a good time to present your project. The architecture. _Ahch-To’s hospitality industry’s passport into the twenty-first century._ Sounds familiar _?_ ”

“Yes, of course.”

If Rey hadn’t known better, she’d say his fingers were trembling over his laptop’s keyboard as he typed. He cleared his throat before speaking again.

“If you look at the screen, you’ll see some of the designs we’re aiming towards.”

The big projection screen that hung on the wall behind him lit up with drawings of what could only be described as an enormous concrete shoebox studded with tiny round windows, all sharp angles and cold, monochromatic sobriety.

“As you can see, the architectonic project is inspired by....”

Poe’s voice interrupted him, cutting through the thick air and making Rey jump.

“That’s an aberration!”

“Excuse me?”

Hux’s voice was low and menacingly polite. It made Rey’s stomach climb up to her throat.

“That’s an aberration,” her friend repeated, more collectedly this time. “A concrete Ikea dresser in the middle of fucking paradise? What’s wrong with you people?”

Mayor Hutt stood up, opening his mouth angrily, but Solo silenced him with a wave of his hand, as if muting a TV. His dark eyes were fixated on Poe now, primal and territorial, dark and endless. It raised gooseflesh up and down Rey’s bare arms, the way he stared. When he spoke, his voice was icy, but calm. Low pitched. The voice of a predator lurking behind its prey.

“I didn’t know you’d acquired such extensive knowledge in architecture since the last time we met, Dameron. Very impressive.”

Poe snorted derisively, crossing his arms over his chest. Something deep in Rey’s stomach made her raise a hand and grab his biceps, giving it a gentle squeeze she hoped he’d see as a warning.

 _Danger, Poe_ , it said.

_Don’t do this._

“No, no architecture knowledge, Mr. Big Shot. Just common sense and good taste. What I do have extensive knowledge in, which you might remember from college years, is marine biology. That’s why I can safely say, right here, right now: this resort is an environmental crime.”

A shy wave of murmurs spread through the crowd, but Rey couldn’t pinpoint exactly which heads turned around to face them. Her eyes were fixated on Solo’s eyes, which, in turn, were unwaveringly set on Poe.

_On her hand wrapped around Poe’s arm._

No, no, definitely on Poe. On his face, maybe. On his words. That would explain the murderous violence that she could taste right underneath their dark surface.

It was Finn that raised his voice next, standing tall to her right.

“Poe’s right. That area is protected by law, and for a good reason. Porgs have been nesting and laying their eggs there for thousands of years. They did it before we got here, and they’ll keep doing it long after we’re gone. Occupying the area with that level of human activity is nothing short of _murder_.”

Many locals murmured approvingly, and Rey could see Maz’s glasses reflecting the light somewhere in her peripheral vision as more heads turned to the back of the room. Ben Solo, on the other hand, was still looking at Poe.

“I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention, Mr….” the blonde woman said calmly.

“Trooper.”

“….Mr. Trooper, but I’ve just spent the better part of ten minutes detailing a state of the art environmental integration system which will positively…”

“Bullshit.”

It was impressive, if you thought about it, how loud and imposing Rose could be for someone so small.

“Bullshit,” she repeated, taking a step forward. “Bullshit. The system you described is nothing – absolutely _nothing_ – but smoke and mirrors, clearly designed to bypass our environmental law. It will do _nothing_ to prevent impact on our wildlife and you _know that._ ”

“Ms. Tico, I believe you….” Hutt’s voice started to echo through the walls, but it was interrupted by a sound far more imposing.

“I believe you’d know that better than anyone, wouldn’t you, Ms. Tico?”

Rey didn’t know when Leia Organa had entered the room, but she most definitely had, otherwise she wouldn’t be standing near the back door in her imposing purple dress, her hair regally pulled up in an intricate bun.

“In fact,” she proceeded, her presence filling the entire room to the brim, “I think very few people in the country would be more qualified to assess environmental damage than these four.”

She turned to them with a mischievous smile and a wink, which Hux clearly interpreted as an opportunity to step in.

“Ms. Organa, with all due respect…”

“Oh, yes, Mr. Hux, I have no doubt you have nothing but the _utmost_ respect for me. I’m sorry, I had to make myself absent for a few minutes but I’m almost sure I overheard mayor Hutt celebrating my contributions to this community in his opening speech while I was having a glass of cold water in the antechamber. I’m sorry, overhearing’s rude, of course, but it’s awfully stuffy in here, you know?”

A moment of pregnant silence that no one dared interrupt followed. Leia nodded almost imperceptibly before proceeding.

“That’s why I’m positive no one in this room will disagree if I suggest the construction of First Order Ahch-To Resort should be overseen by an environmental committee. Our community happens to count on two extremely talented marine biologists,” she gestured to Poe and Finn, smiling fondly, “one brilliant environmental engineer,” her smile turned to Rose, motherly and bright. “And, of course, Rey Sanders, arguably the only veterinarian in the country that specializes in ahchtonian native species.” 

“Ms. Organa,” Hux cold voice stated, strained and icy, “I am absolutely sure there’s no need for…”

“Oh, but both the engineering and the architectonic project sounded foolproof to me, Mr. Hux. Solid. Highly intelligent. First Order seems to trust them wholeheartedly. I believe the only reason the company would have to decline my suggestion would be the fear of being caught in illegal environmental practices – which is most definitely not the case. Is it?”

Rey couldn’t bring herself to tear her eyes away from Leia, but she’d bet Hux’s face had turned as red as his hair.

“Of course not, Ms. Organa. We’d be happy to work with…”

“The Resistance,” Poe declared proudly, brushing a jet-black curl away from his eyes. “And we’d be _ecstatic_ to oversee your activities.”

Leia clapped once, excitedly, and turned to the table with a beaming smile, diametrically opposed to the deep frowns that had settled in Hux and Phasma’s faces. Rey didn’t have the courage to check Ben Solo’s expression.

“It’s settled, then,” she announced cheerfully, intertwining her fingers. “Mayor Hutt wouldn’t have a reason to object, would he?”

Hutt got up in one swift movement, as if he’d just realized his chair was made of pins and needles.

“No, of course…” he looked around the room, swallowing thickly, which caused his multiple chins to wobble. “Of course not. I mean, if no one in the community opposes the idea….”

“We don’t. Sounds like a great plan,” Maz’s thin voice resounded from the audience, and approving murmurs spread through the room like wildfire.

“Well, then,” Hutt pulled a handkerchief from his breast pocket, tapping it hastily to his forehead. “Then it’s settled. The Resistance and the First Order will have enough time to settle the details before construction work officially starts, in two weeks. Until then, I’d like to thank…”

By the time the mayor got to his empty final considerations, Rey wasn’t listening anymore. Her eyes had somehow wandered back to Ben Solo’s face as if attracted by a magnetic force, and she realized it had been a big mistake when she found his eyes staring right back at her, deep-set and bottomless, strong enough to shift gravity itself. Lost in their pull, Rey didn’t realize Poe had grabbed her by the arm and they were moving towards Leia, dodging the people that were moving to exit through the backdoor.

It was Leia’s voice that jolted her back to reality.

“Rey, honey, are you ok?”

“What?” she choked, her head snapping towards the former mayor.

“Yeah, Rey, are you ok? You look pale. And…. Scared?”

The concern in Finn’s voice hit her right in the gut.

“No, no, I’m fine. It’s just so…. so clammy in here. Must be my blood pressure.”

“We’ll get you a burger on the way home, Reyrey,” Poe promised, wrapping his arm around her shoulder and kissing her hair.

Finn threw her another concerned look, and then turned his eyes to Leia.

“Leia, are you sure that was a good idea? I mean, we were planning on putting a stop to the project altogether, not joining it.”

“Well, sweetheart, you know what they say,” Leia smiled sweetly, starting to move slowly towards the door. “If you can’t beat them, give them hell.”

With a wink, she turned on her heels, looking at them over her shoulder.

“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going home. You kids know how Han gets when he’s left alone.”  

 When Leia was out of sight, Rey’s eyes roamed around the room once more. She wasn’t quite sure what she was looking for, but what she found was an emptying auditorium, with very few seats still taken, its occupants moving rapidly to get up and make for the door.

She also found the First Order people still very present in the front of the room, exchanging hushed whispers with the mayor.

Poe started to move in their direction before she could realize what was going on.

“Aren’t you ashamed of yourself, Solo?” his voice echoed through the empty space, loud and clear, causing all four heads to snap in their direction.

“Excuse me?”

Solo’s voice was pitched so low Rey felt it in her flesh more than she heard it. His shoulders hunched menacingly as he walked slowly towards them, every bit a predator ready to attack.

“Aren’t you ashamed of yourself?” Poe repeated, his head held high, apparently unaffected by the imminent danger. “Letting them use your family’s good name to sell this _excrescence_?  Your mother’s name – the same mother you _abandoned_ and….”

“Aren’t _you_ ashamed, Dameron?” Solo murmured, his jaw locked, his face inches away from Poe’s. “Ashamed of failing to mate your fucking omega and having them _stink up_ the entire room instead, apparently teetering on the edge of a fucking _hard heat_ …..”

His words were trembling with so much fury it was all Rey could do not to step back and away from them. She probably wouldn’t have been able to, anyway.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Finn intervened, stepping forward, his hand flying instinctively to the tender flesh on his neck, right under his ear. “We _are_ mated. What the fuck is he talking about?”

His eyes searched his mate’s frantically, and Poe’s hand was trembling when he reached  for his face.

“Baby, step back, this is…”

“No, Poe, Finn has the right to know _what the fuck_ he’s talking about.”

Rey heard her voice say the words, but she had no recollection of having decided to say them. They just spilled out of her, shaky and raspy, boiling anger sculpting their sharp edges.

“What is this? What gives you the right to say something like that? To treat someone’s designation like that?”

Sentences kept spurting out unbidden, completely out of her control, and her legs followed the same pattern, dragging her body closer to his. This close, the strength of his scent was dizzying.

“Alpha supremacist _scum_.”

The words hung in the air around them, thick and heavy, as Solo’s eyes locked on her, oddly out of focus. Pupils blown wide, they travelled feverishly through every inch of her face, her trembling lips, her locked jaw, finally finding refuge on her neck. Under his frenzied gaze, after countless, endless years of complete inactivity, Rey’s gland pulsed like a phantom reminder of another life.

No. No. No pulsing. Never pulsing. Rey knew perfectly well what his eyes would see if they were truly looking at her gland – it was the same thing she’d seen in the mirror countless times, the same thing she’d felt with her fingers time and time again. Waiting for the worst to happen.

He’d see the same thing she always did, even when paranoia had her looking for a mirror desperately, with a racing heart and trembling hands: a Beta’s gland – flat, discreet, inconspicuous, excreting nothing but Beta pheromones. Identical to Rose’s in every single aspect, light years away from Finn’s pinkish, slightly raised, tender looking gland. Light years away from the telltale physical mark of an Omega designation.

It was odd, then, how his nostrils flared at the sight of her neck – how his pupils took over the entirety of his irises, how he inhaled slowly, filling his lungs with the thick air that separated their bodies. It was odd, what she found on his face as he did so. So odd she felt the cold hands of dread wrapping around her throat.

_He can scent me._

No, no, no scenting. No scenting. Betas don’t smell more interesting to Alphas than dirt of chalk – that’s what they’d taught her in school, wasn’t it? Yes. Alphas and Omegas – the primal, visceral, age-old, cursed attraction.  Between Betas and other designations, attraction was based on nothing but love and companionship, free of biological binds. _True consent_. Not this. Never this.

 _I’m a Beta. I’m a Beta,_ her brain chanted over and over again, desperate for oxygen, for space, for clean _fresh air_ …..

“Solo?”

His eyes didn’t leave hers when red manicured fingers wrapped around his shoulder, squeezing gently.

“Solo, this isn’t smart. Let’s go. It’ll be fine,” Phasma murmured behind him, her lips barely moving.

Perhaps the oddest part was how vehemently some creature deep in her chest protested when he started to step back, moving towards the side door right next to the long table they’d been occupying.

As he finally turned around, exiting the auditorium with quick, hard steps, she could hear whispers around her, spoken by the ghost of memories that had been made foggy and uncertain by the years.

 

_Subject 287, volunteer, anonymous, female, 16. Seventh shot. No signs of breakthrough heats, exemplary evolution of the gland’s morphology. Patient reports mild side effects, including insomnia and dizzy spells, but claims they are becoming less frequent as treatment progresses. Blood tests and pheromone chemical analysis show consistent…._

_“Here, honey,” a kind female voice whispered, wrinkled hands handing her a paper cup filled with water. Somewhere to her right, a deep male voice kept talking. “Drink it. You’re shaking.”_

_“_ Rey? Rey, your hands are shaking.”

She had no idea how Finn’s hands had ended up on her shoulders, steadying her on her feet.

 _I’m a Beta,_ her brain whispered again, trying to get her hands to stop trembling.

“What did you say, babe?” Rose murmured softly, squeezing her arm.

“What? No, nothing,” Rey answered, swallowing thickly. “Nothing, it’s just…. It’s just too stuffy in here. Can we go?”

“Sure. Sure, Reyrey, let’s go get you something to eat.”

Poe’s voice was sweet and his hand on her back was feather light as he guided her out of the room, but the smell of sand and driftwood; of home and belonging still clung to her nostrils long after her lungs had been filled with the fresh, cool breeze the sea was blowing into the open night air.     


	2. What the eyes don't see

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heeey. So.... Anyone still reading? *in the distance, half a dozen people chant "shame, shame, shame!" in unison* 
> 
> Yeah, it's been three months. My bad. Real life has been crazy, and this particular chapter's been rewritten about a thousand times, so that took a while. I fully intend on uploading more regularly from now on, though, so let's see how it goes. I've got the whole plot outlined, and we're looking at about 14 chapters.
> 
> If you're still around, thank you for reading!

 

 

“Shit. Oh, sh- You gotta be kidding me.”

Rey’s muttering was barely audible in the half-lit bedroom, half drowned out by the roaring sound of her ancient laptop struggling to boot. As if on cue, cobalt blue replaced jet black on the machine’s dusty display, accompanied by a loud, obnoxious beep.

“Oh, no, baby, I wasn’t talking to you. You just turn on like the good boy you are, ok?”

Rey patted the touchpad gently, sighing in relief when the loading screen finally popped up. Slumping back on the headboard, she scooped the garlic sauce that had dripped on her t-shirt using the side of her finger, humming low in her throat as she licked it clean. She sighed again, her eyes straying from the frozen loading screen to the chipped plate that sat on her right knee. It wobbled dangerously, the massive burger it held clearly distressing the delicate balance of her precarious setup. Right then and there, had she been in another state of mind, she might have second guessed her decision to eat cross-legged in bed right over her agonizing computer. She wasn't in another state of mind, though, so she just grabbed the burger and bit into it a second time, making sure she caught the garlic sauce with her finger before it landed anywhere else.

“Oh, don’t you dare, Beatrice,” she frowned, pointing a greasy finger at the foot of the bed. The orange cat that lay there, curled up into a voluminous furry ball, kept its head casually rested on its paws, deep green eyes resolutely locked with hers.

“Don’t you _dare_ judge me, I clean your  _sand box,_ for fuck’s sake!”

The cat answered with a long, high-pitched meow that sent Rey’s brows shooting towards her hairline.

“Oh, that’s _precious_ , Your Hygienic Highness. Just _precious_.” 

With a huff and a purposefully long lick of her grease coated finger, Rey shot to her feet, avoiding the cat’s intent stare as she stomped towards the bathroom.

“You give them all your love and _that’s_ what you get, I swear to God,” she mumbled under her breath, soaping her hands with more violence than strictly needed and turning on the faucet with a theatrical flick of her hand. “Ungratefulness, I tell you.”

With one last sigh, she dried her hands on her pajama shorts, raising her eyes to face her reflection in the mirror.

She could almost see it, lurking somewhere underneath the tiredness in her hazel eyes – she could almost hear the whispers of the part of her that was daring her to look.

 _You don’t have to_ , her conscious mind assured her. _You’ve looked. You’ve seen it. We’re okay._

Staring at her own eyes, she could almost see it when that voice lost the battle, paranoia once again taking hold of her damp hands, moving her fingers to flick her hair away from her neck.

Sure enough, there it was. Flat, boring, barely there. Her fingers traced the edge of her gland in a reassuring circle. She could barely tell the difference in texture from the rest of her skin.

_See? You’re good. We’re good._

“I’m good,” she replied, nodding almost imperceptibly. “I’m....”

Relief didn’t have the time to fully settle in before a burst of sound disrupted the monastic silence that filled her apartment, sending her hand flying to her throat instinctively.

“Shit,” she cursed louder this time, fingers still wrapped around her neck as she stumbled back into the bedroom and felt for her phone in the half light. It was buzzing obnoxiously right under a furry orange paw, and the fat cat opened its mouth to meow in protest as she grabbed it.

“Don’t you give me that look,” she whispered exasperatedly, bringing the phone to her ear.

“What look? We’re on the phone, Rey,” Finn’s voice pondered on the other side, and Rey sighed as she slumped back on the bed. Her laptop was finally asking for her password, and she typed it in, balancing the phone between her shoulder and her ear.

“I was talking to Bebe.”

“You know you’re not actually Dr. Dolittle, don’t you, Peanut?”

Even though Finn couldn’t see her, she rolled her eyes.

“We’ve been through this. They _understand_.”     

“Of course they do, babe,” her friend answered in what seemed to be the most infuriatingly patronizing tone he could muster. “You feeling better?”

With a reluctant smile, she brought her plate back to her knee, picking at some fries.

“Much better, yeah. Did you ask Maz to add extra garlic sauce?”

“Sure as hell did. Asked her to sneak shimeji into you mushroom patty, too,” Finn answered proudly, and Rey could hear Poe’s voice yell in the background.

“Hey, that was my idea!”

“Poe says that was his idea.”

“I can hear him, babe. Tell him I say thanks.”

“Will do. You sure you’re feeling alright, though? Don’t you need anything else?”

Rey licked salt off her thumb before moving her hand to the touchpad and double clicking the Internet browser.

“100% positive. I was just hungry.”

“Ok, but you call us if you need something, okay?”

“Anything!” Poe’s voice echoed in the background.

“Sure thing, Night, I love you,” she said with a smile, grinning as two ‘We love you too’s echoed in her ear.  

Throwing her phone back on the bed, she drew in a deep breath, cracking her knuckles.

“Ok, alright, you’ve got this,” she whispered to herself, her fingers hovering above the keyboard, trembling ever so slightly.

They hesitated for a few seconds, and then the sound of keys being tapped filled the room. When her hands stood still again, the words “Designation Neutralizing Therapy” stared back at her, just sitting in the search bar, unaware of their own weight. Her fingers hovered above ‘enter’ long enough for her to lose her nerve, shooting right towards backspace.

“Fuck, Rey, get your shit together,” she exhaled, stopping her hands midway through erasing the word “neutralizing”.

“Okay, okay. You’ve got this. Okay.”

“DNT spontaneous reversion” she typed this time, taking a long, shuddering breath as the blinking cursor settled right next to the letter N.

No. Absolutely not.

She shook her head emphatically, jamming the backspace key with newfound resolution.

She was fine. She was _fine_ , she told herself, still shaking her head. That was not what this was.

“That’s not what this is, is it, Bebe?”

Her cat answered the question with a long lick of her paw.

“Yeah, you’re right, it can’t be. I’m.... I haven’t done anything..... Right? I haven’t... No. Yeah, no.”

She was still babbling incoherently as she took another big bite of her burger, thick sauce dripping between her fingers. Chewing slowly, she kept staring at the blank search bar, the cursor taunting her with each blink. Her throat felt tight when she swallowed.

“What was it, then?”

Even though she was alone with Bebe, she still hated how thin her voice sounded when the words fell from her lips.

With one long meow, the cat stood up, spun around and lay back down, licking her nose. Rey answered with a gasp, throwing her plate hastily on the worn out floral duvet.

“Genius, baby! Genius! There must be something on that. Like...”

She kept talking as she typed, her finger flying towards “enter” and pressing hard.

“Like... well not common, but probably not unheard of, right?”

She raised her eyes, but Bebe didn’t answer, so she just looked back at the screen, where thousands of results for “Alpha-Beta attraction” now lay before her. Scrolling down feverishly, she skimmed titles, huffing and sighing every few seconds. “How to make a Beta feel like an Omega” was definitely not helpful. “Is knotting a Beta possible? Experts talk”? No, no, definitely not.... no, no, no....

“Aha!” she exclaimed triumphantly, double clicking on “Hopelessly attracted to a Beta. Send help.”

She treated herself to another bite as the screen loaded, revealing a page from one of the _disgusting_ , _Chernobyl trash level_ forums Alphas would use to.....

“Desperate times, Rey. Desperate times,” she whispered under her breath as she wiped her fingers on her pajamas, leaning closer to the screen.

_Participation in this forum requires registration. Please confirm you’re an Alpha by...._

“Oh, go fuck yourself,” she spat, clicking on the registration link and hurrying to fill it in with fake information. If her heart hadn’t been threatening to open up a hole in her chest, she might have laughed out loud at the fact that _Alpha Business’_ idea of “confirming you’re an Alpha” was ticking a box stating as much. As it were, she just huffed again, checking the box and moving on to the blank space that read “user name”.

 _Scavenger287_ sounded as good as any.   

As she pressed enter and the page that had originally drawn her to the site finally loaded, she breathed heavily again, biting the sides of her nails and leaning even closer to the screen.

 

 

> **Alphalife4me, 12:30**  
>  **Ok, guys, help me out. I met this Beta girl at work, and she’s awesome. Perfect face, perfect body. Funny, shy. Smart, even. We hit it off right away and I really like her. Thing is.... it’s not the same, you know? When it gets down to what matters, it’s just lacking. No slick, no gland there to suck on, knotting’s off the table, according to her. You know what I mean? Anyone been there, done that? I like her, I really do. I just don’t know if I can move forward with it. Thoughts?**
> 
>  

Rey blew out the breath she’d been holding in a long, obnoxious huff, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyes. _Of course_ , she thought. _Of fucking course._ She must have taken about six extra sips of her dumb bitch juice if she thought _Alpha Business,_ the alpha supremacist cove, _of all places_ , would be the place to provide her with answers to her petty, Omeg….

 _Beta. Petty Beta issues._ _Beta,_ she stressed internally, growling softly and rubbing her eyes more forcefully. Even through her frustration, she could feel it when soft footsteps crossed the bed, a heavy, warm mass approaching her leg and nuzzling her bent knee.

“Hi, baby,” she cooed, opening her eyes and bringing her hands to cup Bebe’s cheeks, feeling the heavy purring on the tips of her fingers. “Thank you, baby. Momma loves you too.”

The cat purred louder, hopping softly onto her lap and nearly pushing her plate to the ground with her tail.

“Watch out, hun, you’ve got buns,” Rey smiled fondly, running her fingers through soft, thick fur as she stretched to place the plate safely on the nightstand. As she did so, she didn’t see Bebe’s furry paw stretching lazily towards the keyboard as if mimicking her mother’s hand. Only when Rey sat back straight did she catch sight of the cat’s movement, moving quickly to stop it.

“Bebe, don’t,” she scolded, removing the cat’s paw from the keyboard as the screen scrolled down in a blur of black and white.

“Scrolling down the comments, are you?”

The cat meowed softly in response, curling up between her crossed legs and resting her head on Rey’s thigh.

“Don’t bother. It’s just Alpha supremacist bullshit,” she mumbled, returning her attention to the screen, her fingers dragging the cursor instinctively to exit the tab.

And then she saw it.

Rey was an educated woman – a veterinarian, for crying out loud -, so she knew her heart couldn’t _really_ have beaten its way up her throat. She could have sworn it had, though, when the three little letters in the middle of a comment caught her eye as if written in blinking neon.

_DNT._

Anatomy education be damned, she was positive her heart had slipped down to her fingertips when she clicked to expand the thread that contained the comment, her eyes skimming the letters feverishly.

 

 

> **TheAlphaist, 19:52**
> 
> **Disgusting. Alphas who fuck Betas are a disgrace to anyone with a knot. Hope yours falls off. Sincerely, a TRUE Alpha.**

Below the original comment, a thread followed. 

 

 

> **ItsAlphaDan, 20:30**
> 
> **On the money, dude. This is exactly what’s wrong with “Alphas” nowadays.**
> 
> **TheAlphaist, 20:50**
> 
> **It’s the fucking frustrated-Omegas-on-suppressants propaganda, making it seem like anything goes. Makes me sick to my stomach.**
> 
> **ItsAlphaDan, 20:30**
> 
> **Fuuuuuck yeah, I blame it on the fucking suppressants. PROUDLY on enhancers over here. Ain’t no Omega suppressed around me, lol**
> 
> **TheAlphaist, 20:50**
> 
> **Same! Enhancers are THE WAY**
> 
> **KyloRen, 21:21**
> 
> **Wanna know what’s wrong with “Alphas nowadays”? You are. Disgusting, pathetic men-children who think a fucking bundle of nerves at the base of your dick overrides your lack of character, intelligence or basic human decency. YOU make me sick to my stomach.**
> 
> **ItsAlphaDan 21:29**
> 
> **@Moderators when did we start accepting brainwashed Omega-doormats in the forum?**
> 
> **TheAlphaist 21:30**
> 
> **@KyloRen Kkkkkk u mad, bro?**
> 
> **KyloRen 21:35**
> 
> **Do you have any idea of the consequences your disgusting Alpha supremacist bullshit has on real life people with real life feelings? You’re the reason Omegas everywhere feel like they need protection from our kind – which they fucking do. You are the reason why I considered DNT when I was about to present. Get your tiny brains off your knots and wake the fuck up. I honestly hope the #notyourOmega movement gets Alphas extinct. It’s what we deserve.**

 

Rey’s eyes skimmed the rest of the thread for new messages from Kylo Ren, but all she could find were more offenses and memes thrown at him. She scrolled back up, checking the time stamp on his last message for the umpteenth time, once again confirming it had been sent over an hour before.

Kylo was gone.

She let out a shuddering breath, trying to coax her heart back to its usual pace. Her eyes blinked rapidly several times before they were finally shielded from the bright screen by her shaking hands. Too late, as the words had already been engraved inside her eyelids.

_You are the reason why I considered DNT when I was about to present._

The last few hours seemed to have warped reality in the oddest of ways, but even in this new, weird, slightly hazy dimension she’d fallen headfirst into – even _here_ this seemed weirdly out of place.

 _A neutralized Alpha._ Not suppressed _._ Not medicated. _Neutralized._

_Or maybe…._

Her eyes fluttered open as her hands descended slowly back to the keyboard.

 _Or maybe he isn’t an Alpha,_ her brain completed silently, and Bebe meowed lazily on her lap.

“I’m not and I’m still reading this shit, right?” she asked, and the cat closed her eyes again, nuzzling her thigh.

What was he doing there, then?

Her fingers dragged the cursor to his user name of their own accord while she chewed on her lower lip. When she whispered, it was barely an exhale.

“Who are you?”

As if her question had summoned it into existence, a tiny popup screen materialized right over the name “Kylo Ren” as the white arrow glided over it. It gave her several  options.

“Show profile. Report this user. Send friend request. Message.”

Without waiting for her brain’s consent, her finger opened his profile. It loaded quickly, and the blank spaces that should contain his personal information stared mockingly back at her.

Shaking her head and squaring her shoulders, she moved to close the tab, but something caught her eye as she dragged the white arrow towards the upper corner of the screen. A tiny envelope-shaped icon right next to his username, bright red against stark white.

_Message._

She clicked it before she could realize what she was doing, producing a chat window in the right bottom corner of the screen.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Are you even an Alpha?_

Embarrassment hit her like a tidal wave as soon as she hit _send_. Why did she even care? Why would she verbalize her mind’s pointless curiosities to some random guy on the Internet who could _literally_ be _anyone_? A curious Beta, a militant Omega, an exploring kid who hadn’t even presented yet, a…

 _Ah, fear is a funny thing,_ a voice whispered somewhere deep in her brain.

She closed her eyes, grimacing as she shook her head, and felt a tiny wave of relief when she opened them to find her own message sitting alone in the chat box.

He wouldn’t even read it.

She breathed in again, shoving the rest of her burger in her mouth and standing up to take the plate back to the kitchen. A dislodged Bebe stared at her disapprovingly, and Rey scratched her behind her ear.

“It’s fine, baby. I’ll be right back.”

She exhaled heavily as she washed the chipped dish, putting it away sloppily and washing the grease off her hands. It _was_ fine. _She_ was fine. She was overreacting, as usual. She just needed to rest, that was all. Sleep this whole mess off and wake up feeling brand new.

Through the sound of running water, she couldn’t hear the _ping_ of an incoming message coming from the bedroom, so no one could really blame her for startling Bebe with a sharp inhale when she sat back down on her bed and found it waiting for her.

  

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Go eat shit._

 

Bebe seemed to have decided on forgiveness, crawling back into the little cove formed between her mother’s legs, but Rey barely registered the cat’s movement.

Through a haze of shock, all her mind managed to do was wander back to her original message, only now realizing how it must have sounded.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Sorry, that came out wrong. I was thinking out loud._
> 
> _It’s just… I’ve never seen an Alpha with more than two brain cells, and you seem to have at least, like_
> 
> _Six?_

 Her heart raced as she read through her messages, and she grimaced again. _Perfect timing for deflective humor,_ she thought to herself. _Just perfect._ Heat rose to her cheeks when a bubble appeared on the screen, indicating Kylo was typing.

****

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You’ve clearly been hanging out with the wrong kind of Alpha._

 

 Rey narrowed her eyes, cocking her head ever so slightly. _Not all Alphas_ rhetoric, ha? Maybe he _was_ an Alpha after all.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I happen to know one who has four and a half._
> 
> _Brain cells, I mean._
> 
> _Missed the mark about me, though. I’m the proud owner of three._

It took her a heartbeat to realize the strange stiffness she felt on her cheeks was actually a smile that had settled on her lips uninvited.

 

 

> **Scavenger287 says:**
> 
> _Well, that makes you the smartest Alpha I’ve ever met. Kudos._
> 
> _Maybe you can enlighten me, then._
> 
> _Can I catch some kind of contagious disease from scrolling through this hellhole?_
> 
> ****
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I hear Acute Douchebag Syndrome can be highly contagious._
> 
> **Scavenger287 says:**
> 
> _Damn_
> 
> _Now that you mentioned it, I do feel the need to go edit my username and add “Alpha” …_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yup, you have it. We might need to put you to sleep._
> 
> _It’s the merciful way to go._

 

The sound of Rey’s giggle sounded foreign to her ears, as if she hadn’t heard it in years when, in fact, she had laughed openly into Finn’s shoulders only a few hours before. It was probably another side effect of this alternate reality she’d stumbled upon, she thought, shrugging and smiling at her fingers as they danced over the keyboard. 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _FIY, my cat has had Acute Douchebag Syndrome since she was born and she’s thriving, thank you very much._
> 
> _Rarely ever sends unwanted knot pics._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Actually laughed out loud at that._
> 
> _Thank you._

 

While the typing bubble floated under Kylo’s last message for longer than normal, Rey brought her hand to her mouth, chewing on a loose cuticle, the ghost of a smile lingering around the corners of her lips.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _So you were lurking on the Alpha-Beta attraction post?_

 

 The last traces of her smile vanished, quickly replaced by a confused frown. 

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _How do you know that?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I’ve hacked your computer. You really have to step up your cryptography game._

 

Wide eyes and a hammering heart joined the frown on Rey’s face as she read the message several times, her breath becoming shallower with each lungful of oxygen she tried to inhale.  

****

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Excuse me?_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Shit, sarcasm doesn’t work well in written form, does it?_
> 
> _Sorry_
> 
> _It’s the only forum I’ve ever commented on, so it’s the only way you could have found me. ._
> 
> _I’m actually new around here._

 

 Bebe shifted between Rey’s legs, looking up at her with a long meow, her green eyes narrowed judgmentally.

“Well, how was I supposed to know?” Rey retorted exasperatedly, narrowing her eyes back at the cat, her heart still pounding against her ribcage.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, cat’s telling me it was obviously a joke. Sorry. Hell of a long day._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, tell me about it._
> 
> ****
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _What, did you fall down the rabbit hole and end up trapped in an alternate reality too?_

 

For the second time, _KyloRen_ _is typing_ lingered on the screen a little too long – long enough for Rey to start regretting sending these messages on a whim, without any filter, to a complete stranger who might as well…..

 

_Ping._

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _If this alternate reality of yours has Betas who smell like…_
> 
> _Like someone’s literally bottled your happiness and spritzed it all over some mesmerizingly beautiful creature_
> 
> _I might have, yeah._

 

  Rey drew in a deep breath, the whirlwind of anxiety and excitement that had flooded her chest when she’d first found the forum coming back in full force.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Wait, you’re really an Alpha?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, thought we’d settled that._
> 
> ****
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _And you’re telling me you can scent Betas?_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Not “Betas”, no. Just the one._

 Bebe perked her head up, raising her ears, and Rey was sure the cat could hear the wheels turning in her brain. 

****

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _There’s this one Beta who smells like an Omega?_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No_
> 
> _Not exactly._
> 
> _She smells like nothing I’ve ever scented._
> 
> _Unlike any Omega I’ve ever met._
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _So… Different?_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Better._
> 
> _So much better._
> 
> _I’m sorry, I know it sounds insane._
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No_
> 
> _No, don’t be_
> 
> _Sorry, I mean._
> 
> _In my alternate reality, people don’t smell like they should either._

 

The little chat box didn’t inform her that he was typing this time. It burned into her retinas, completely empty, along with the words she had written. Outside of her own head, jet black against pristine white, they looked real – not just the words, but the throbbing on her gland, the primal longing in her chest, Ben Solo’s scent on her nostrils. All phantom feelings, now that he was gone, but as real as they’d ever be. She stared at the unwavering chat box and allowed her stinging eyes to flutter shut.

It was the _ping_ of a new message cutting through the silence in her room that made her open them again.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Can you smell Betas?_

 

Rey wet her lips slowly, her mouth feeling unbearably dry all of a sudden. This was too much. It hit too close to... yeah, no.  

It hit too close to the place she’d silently sworn not to let anyone wander nearby. Ever.  

And still.

And still this stranger on the Internet – the Internet, of all places – was strolling right next to it, and she was letting him. She waited for fear to claim her, like it usually would, but it never came. 

_In my alternate reality, people don’t smell like they should either._

She read her own message again, hoping dread would finally settle in. That anxiety, shame and remorse would finally take control, forcing her to make the right, rational, safe decision. She readied herself, her teeth digging into her lower lip.

What she felt as her eyes skimmed her own words, though, was relief. Relief, and a strange sense of curiosity that felt like it belonged to someone else.

_I’ll never meet him. He’ll never know who I am._

The words soothed her like a lullaby as her fingers reached for the keyboard once more.

_He understands._

****  

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Alphas._
> 
> _An Alpha._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Oh_
> 
> _Alphas can usually scent other Alphas, though, right?_
> 
> _I mean, every Alpha can._
> 
> _It’s weird that this one smells good to you, sure._
> 
> _But it’s different from scenting Betas, you know? Biologically._

 Her fingers hesitated for a split second before hitting _send_ , but, when they did, they hit it with purpose.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287:_ **
> 
> _I’m a Beta._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Oh_
> 
> _Whoa_
> 
> _Yeah_
> 
> _Ok_
> 
> _Sorry, I just assumed_
> 
> **_Scavenger287:_ **
> 
> _You had the right to assume._
> 
> _This IS an Alpha forum, after all_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Well, their idea of “proving you’re an Alpha” is ticking a fucking box._
> 
> _Because apparently Betas and Omegas are born without the ability to tick._
> 
> _So, no, I shouldn’t have assumed. Sorry._
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Don’t be._
> 
> _Trust me, calling out Alpha bullshit is my main hobby._
> 
> _I wouldn’t say we’re cool if we weren’t._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Cool hobby._
> 
> _Mine is fucking up social interactions._

 Rey felt the tension dissipate around the corners of her mouth as her lips morphed into another smile.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I’m sure that’s not your only hobby._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I’m good at self-pity_
> 
> _I draw, too._
> 
> _And that’s about it._

Rey’s smile widened, the image of big, Alpha hands clumsily holding delicate brush pens forming vividly in her mind.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _That’s… interesting.  Are you an artist?_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Hm_
> 
> _I used to be, I think._
> 
> _Wouldn’t call myself that anymore._
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Let me guess_
> 
> _Adventurous, meaningful  artist life wasn’t paying the bills, so you found yourself some boring 9-5._
> 
> _Working for a boring, mainly unethical corporation._
> 
> _Where there’s no space for any creative work whatsoever._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Did you hack my computer?_

Rey laughed wholeheartedly, and Bebe’s eyes darted towards her, wide with curiosity.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Nah, Pretty cliché story._
> 
> _Sorry._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Don’t be_
> 
> _I guess it is._
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Does she work with you?_
> 
> _The Beta?_

It took him a full minute to answer.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _She does now_
> 
> _Does the Alpha work with you?_

 

Rey’s heart fluttered as Solo’s eyes came barging into her mind. She did her best to steady her breathing, licking her lips. _More like “works against me”,_ she thought, frowning.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Not exactly_
> 
> _But I’ll still be seeing him more than I’d like to._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloR_** **_en says:_ **
> 
> _I’m sorry if this is too invasive_
> 
> _But what does he smell like? Like he would to an Omega?_

 

Illuminated by the blueish hue of the screen, Rey’s face flinched almost imperceptibly.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Well, I wouldn’t know_
> 
> _For obvious reasons_
> 
> _But he smells like_

 

Seasalt, warmth and life invaded her senses again, and she swallowed thickly. He smelt like peace – like belonging. Like…

 

 

> _He smells like happiness._
> 
> _Just like you said._
> 
> _It’s just… a lot, you know._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I do. Trust me, I do._
> 
> _Scary, right?_

Alone in her bedroom, Rey nodded to no one in particular.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287:_ **
> 
> _Terrifying._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Did you find anything about it online?_
> 
> _There must be something_
> 
> ****
> 
> **_Scavenger287:_ **
> 
> _It has to be some biological glitch, right?_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _My thoughts exactly._
> 
> ****
> 
> **_Scavenger287:_ **
> 
> _Only found this hellhole so far, though_
> 
> _What about you?_
> 
> _Found something useful?_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You_

 

For some unknown, intangible reason – probably something to do with planets or magnetic fields, completely unrelated to strangers and online chatting – the tiny, three-letter word sent Rey’s heart galloping in her chest.

 ****  

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I mean, it’s nice, you know? Finding someone who’s going through something so similar._
> 
> _Someone who really understands._

Rey nodded to herself again, pressing her lips together.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I know what you mean._
> 
> _I was desperate for answers, and when I couldn’t find any…_
> 
> _Knowing that I have literally no one I can talk to about it_
> 
> _I just felt so alone_

As he typed, a car drove slowly down the street, its engine roaring into the silent night. The iron headboard rattled gently against her back as the headlights flashed into her room for a second, tinting everything a warm shade of gold.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You’re not alone._

 

She smiled despite herself, her face luminous as if the flash of golden warmth had lodged itself in her very soul.

  

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Neither are you_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments make me the happiest girl on Earth! Hope you're having a lovely day. 
> 
> Love your faces <3


	3. Bitter Dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, alright, I know I disappeared again but hear me out! For a number of reasons, I realized posting as I write just wasn't for me, so I decided I'd only start updating again once the story was complete. So, yes, the fact I'm posting this now means this story is done, complete, fully written and (mostly) edited, so you can expect at least one update a week from now on (probably on Fridays). So... yay? 
> 
> Now that we're actually doing this, I feel like a content warning is in order: 
> 
> There will be absolutely no noncon/dubcon in Rey's romantic/sexual interactions with Ben, but consent and the trauma caused by past threats of abuse will be underlying themes throughout the story, so bear that in mind if you decide to keep reading.
> 
> Alright, let’s dive right in!

 

 

She was walking through a forest, heavy raindrops stomping the canopy of leaves just above her head. At least it looked like a forest – she was almost sure it was the dark silhouette of trees she could see against the reddish light emanating from something that crackled just behind the tree line.

_Fire._

Maybe it was fire.

Yes, it was definitely fire. The smell of the destruction it left in its wake entered her nostrils uninvited – _charred leaves, charred tree trunks, charred flesh_ – and everything went weirdly out of focus. Ghostly figures ran past her in colorful blurs, making it impossible for her to see any faces.

 _Did she know any of them_?

Some of them screamed words she couldn’t hear over the sound of chaos.

And then a tree moved. Or was it a tree? It looked like one, broad and larger than life, its shape solid and clear, dark against the pulsating red heat that surrounded them. It couldn’t be a tree, though, because it was moving slowly towards her, closing the distance between them in long strides.

She should run, of course. Run away from the heat, the fire, the running shapes and the indistinct screaming, but, most of all, from the silhouette that would unavoidably collide with her if it didn’t change its course. _If she didn’t move_. The thing is… why _would_ she move? Why would she go anywhere when something deep in her chest sang that she was fine, she was safe – when a soothing, wholesome sense of warmth invaded her chest, swelling and expanding as the distance between them was obliterated by heavy footsteps on charred leaves?

No, she’d stay here. She was meant to stay. She was born to stay. As realization dawned on her, the smell of destruction slowly faded away, gone from her senses like a ship leaving the shore and slowly disappearing into the horizon. It was replaced by….

She knew this smell. She knew it.

It was _home_. She was _home_. He was…

A few feet away, the silhouette stopped and meowed.

She blinked rapidly, feeling a deep frown form between her brows. It meowed again, dark and broad, and the edges of the world around her started to blur. She felt herself start to fall back, her body losing balance, her consciousness slipping between her fingers, and there was nothing, there was _no one_ who….

_Meeeeeeoooooooow._

Early morning light filtered through her lashes as her sleep-heavy eyelids fluttered open. Adjusting to the light, her eyes struggled to focus on the white and orange mass seated on her pillow, firmly lodged only inches away from her face. Rey grumbled loudly just as Bebe let out another long, obnoxious meow.

“You little shit,” she slurred, rubbing her eyes and swatting a curtain of knotted hair away from her face. Her eyes searched for the alarm clock on her end table, and she grumbled louder. “It’s six in the fucking morning, _you little shit_.”

The cat licked her paw, washing her face with elegant, controlled strokes, clearly pretending she wasn’t being talked to.

“I swear to _God_ ,” Rey grumbled, still rubbing her eyes as she stumbled out of bed and dragged herself towards the kitchen. The cat followed her closely, hopping merrily, its padded paws silent against the worn out hardwood floors.

She opened the kitchen cabinet violently, trying to look as annoyed as possible when she grabbed a handful of dry cat foot from a battered tin and threw it into Bebe’s bowl. As the new food covered the square millimeter of visible porcelain at the bottom of the otherwise full container, the cat approached it happily, diving headfirst into breakfast.

“Six in the fucking morning, _I swear to God_ ,” she repeated as she dragged herself back to the bedroom, her voice still thick with sleep.

As she plopped back on the bed, eager to slide under the blankets again, a blinking blue light caught her eye between the sheets. She sat back up, cursing under her breath and struggling to fish her laptop from the depths of the messy bed. Cursing again, she brought it to her lap, opening it quickly and breathing a sigh of relief when the screen lit up, revealing a now familiar internet page.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You can’t be serious._
> 
> _I can’t keep talking to you if you’re being serious._       

 

She stopped midway through a long yawn, grinning when she found the messages waiting for her.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Sorry to leave you hanging on such a crucial matter._
> 
> _Totally passed out last night, almost smothered my agonizing laptop to death in my sleep._
> 
> _We’re both fine, though, thank you for asking._
> 
> _And, yes, Temple of Doom eats Raiders of the Lost Ark for breakfast._

 

She brushed her hair out of her face with a residual smile, reaching for the glass of water on her night stand and taking a long sip as she opened a new tab and logged into her email account. She had been deleting spam for little over ten minutes when a loud _ping_ informed her she had a new message.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _It’s amazing how wrong you can be about people sometimes._
> 
> _You’re a vile human being. ._

Rey took another sip of water, grinning over the rim of her glass as the messages came in.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Oh, I’m the vile one? You’re up at 6!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _And I take it you’re a sleepwalker_
> 
> _Or a sleep-internet-chatter_

She licked her lips, shaking her head as she set the glass back on the night stand.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Not a voluntary decision._
> 
> _Douchebag cat woke me up._
> 
> _Because – the horror! – she could see the bottom of her food bowl._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _lol_
> 
> _Cats ARE jerks, aren’t they?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Adorable little jerks .It’s part of their charm._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _My dog wakes me up sometimes too, though._
> 
> _Mostly to report deadly threats lurking around the house._
> 
> _Aka pigeons on the windowsill._

Rey’s laugh seemed to lure Bebe back into the bedroom, and she smiled as the cat hopped silently onto bed, sliding under the covers and morphing into a lump under the duvet. 

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _You have a dog?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah_
> 
> _Goodest fucking boy in the world._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _What’s his name?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Chewie_
> 
> _Short for Chewbacca_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Does he chew stuff?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Not really, not sure why my dad named him that._
> 
> _He used to be my dad’s._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I’m so sorry_
> 
> _Has your dad passed?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Oh, no, he was alive and kicking last time I checked_
> 
> _No, I just kinda stole the dog._
> 
> _Took him with me when I moved out._
> 
> _He’s always liked me better, anyway._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Of course he has._
> 
> _That’s a lovely story, Mr. Great Person_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Are you questioning my dog’s love for me, Ms. Scavenger?_
> 
>  
> 
> _**Scavenger287 says:**_
> 
> _Would NEVER_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Vile human being._

Rey chuckled again, causing the Bebe-shaped lump under the covers to move, nuzzling her foot. Morning sunlight had already flooded the entire room by now, casting long shadows that reminded her of something she’d seen in a dream.

Or maybe a nightmare.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Hey, sorry if that breaks our anonymity clause._
> 
> _But do you have a name?_
> 
> _Calling you “Ms. Scavenger” feels off_
> 
> _For obvious reasons._

With her face half illuminated by the golden sun, Rey bit her lower lip, furrowing her brows. It was true they’d agreed not to share personal details the previous night – anonymity a blanket that allowed them to truly share _anything_ with each other – but first names couldn’t hurt, right? There were _plenty_ of Rey’s out there, weren’t there?

_It’s Rey._

The words looked so innocent, staring back at her in their pixelated form.

So why couldn’t she bring her fingers to hit enter?

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _It’s Kira._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Kira_
> 
> _That’s pretty_

 

Rey smiled sadly at the compliment, her eyes lingering on the alias she’d made up so long ago, in a radically different context.

****

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Speaking of unusual names_
> 
> _I’m assuming yours isn’t Kylo?_

 

It took him a minute to answer.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _It is_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Using your real name on the internet?_
> 
> _Guess you are that kind of guy, eh_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Guess I am_
> 
> _Nice to meet you, Kira_

“Nice to meet you, Kylo,” she whispered alone in her bedroom.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Right back at you_
> 
> _You never told me what you’re doing up at this ungodly hour, btw_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Couldn’t sleep, tbh_
> 
> _I’m seeing her today._
> 
> _The girl._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Shit._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _For a few hours. In a confined space_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Double shit._
> 
> _Triple shit._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Tell me about it._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _How are you feeling?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Anxious_
> 
> _Terrified_
> 
> _Fucking pissed at everything and everyone_
> 
> _Mostly at myself_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _It’s not your fault_
> 
> _You have no control over this._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _This isn’t supposed to happen, though_
> 
> _You know what I mean?_
> 
> _I can’t stop thinking that I caused this glitch somehow._
> 
> _That I fucked something up big time._

Rey drew in a deep breath, her own confusion and guilt staring at her through a computer screen as if it were a mirror.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I know_
> 
> _I feel exactly the same_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Are you seeing him today?_

Even though he couldn’t see her, Rey shook her head vehemently, unwilling to even entertain the thought.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No, not today_
> 
> _Thank God._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Lucky bastard_

The chat room went silent for a few minutes, and Rey smiled sadly at the screen again, getting up to make herself a cup of coffee. As the machine hummed into life, she leaned against the kitchen counter, looking out the window with her arms wrapped around her middle.

No, she wouldn’t see him that day, or the next, probably. The meetings weren’t likely to start before the following week, but they were bound to start.

And then what?

If being in a crowded room, several feet away from him, had done _that_ to her, what would….

 _No_ , she wouldn’t even think about it, she decided, turning around and grabbing her favorite mug – “mother of cats”, it read – from the cupboard above her head. It had been a glitch, a fluke, a one-time thing. She had _nothing_ to worry about, she reassured herself, nodding emphatically as she filled the mug to the brim and padded back to the bedroom.

She was _fine_. She’d been fine for _so long_.

When she curled back in bed, cradling her steaming cup with newfound resolution, a message was waiting for her.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Can I ask you a question?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _You just did_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You did catch Acute Douchebag Syndrome, didn’t you?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Nah_
> 
> _I’ll even let you ask me a second one_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Thank you, Your Munificent Highness_

Rey giggled, blowing on her coffee and then sipping on it while _KyloRen is typing_ floated before her eyes for a full two minutes.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Do you think he can scent you too or do you think it’s a one way thing?_
> 
>  

Even though the coffee was scorching around her tongue, reading the words felt a lot like swallowing a bucket of ice.

It was funny, if you thought about it - the fact that she’d spent so much energy trying to keep that very same question out of her mind for _hours_ only to find them staring right at her through a computer screen.

Sharp, continuous waves disrupted the surface of the hot liquid inside the mug when she set it down on the night stand, avoiding eye contact with her shaking hands.

Ben Solo’s face barged into her brain, uninvited, and she knit her brows together, closing her eyes as if cutting visual contact with the outside world would make his dark eyes go away.

She should have known better. Nothing she did – not even falling asleep – had managed to drive his eyes away, and, whenever they materialized like this, they always looked the same.

_Appalled. Shocked. Offended._

_He had no reason to be staring at her with his jaw clenched and his nostrils flared out, his full mouth twisted into something that deeply resembled a disgusted frown._

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _This is going to sound insane, but I think he can_
> 
> _Only I smell the exact opposite to him_
> 
> _Like, rotten potatoes level stench_

 

She stared at the words, not quite able to recall having written them, her breathing short and shallow. This man felt like a magnet, attracting honesty from some long forgotten hidden corner of her mind. Maybe the most terrifying part was how relieving each outburst of truth seemed to feel, almost as if they were able to drain tiny doses of the poisonous anxiety that had taken residence in her chest.

Just enough for her to be able to breathe.  

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Shit, that sounds rough_
> 
> _And like a cruel cosmic joke_
> 
> _Are you sure?_
> 
>  

She smiled at the screen, but there was no humor in it.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Pretty sure, yeah_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Well, I think you must smell lovely_
> 
> _For what it’s worth_

She took another long sip of her coffee, reading the messages over the rim of the mug. Maybe she _did_ take her coffee too hot, like Rose had been insisting for _years_ – that would explain the weird wave of heat that washed over her body, so out of place in an early Spring morning.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Sure, if you like the smell of dirt._
> 
> _Or chalk._
> 
> _I’m a Beta, remember?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Betas usually smell like soap to me, actually._
> 
> _Neutral soap._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Sexy_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Lol_
> 
> _Well, not unpleasant._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Good God, are you one of those people who use scent-free fabric softener?_
> 
> _Are you a Virgo?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Scorpio, FYI_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No softener at all, then_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Go eat shit_

Rey's laugh echoed on the walls, causing Bebe to nibble her toe in protest. She was still smiling when she leaned over to type a new message.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _But why do you ask?_
> 
> _Do you think she can smell you?_

 It took him a couple minutes to answer

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No, I don’t think she can_
> 
> _I mean, she’s definitely disgusted by me, too_
> 
> _Not pheromone related, though_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Care to develop?_

Once again, Kylo seemed to type and erase his messages a few times before he finally gave her an answer.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Remember what you told me about the Alpha guy?_
> 
> _About him being stereotypical Alpha scum?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Sure_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Well, that’s probably what she’d say about me._

 

Rey’s mouth fell open with an indignant gasp she had no intention of producing.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _What? Dude, trust me, you’re NOTHING like him._
> 
> _I’m sure you’re a lovely guy irl_
> 
> _As far as Alphas go, you know_
> 
> _For what it’s worth._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _“Nice”_
> 
> _A grand total of zero people would use that word to describe me._
> 
> _Including my parents_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Of course they wouldn’t, you kidnaped their dog, dude_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _HAHAHAHAHAHA_
> 
> _Prick!_

Rey smiled wide again, rubbing Bebe’s belly with her foot as she searched for her phone under the blankets. By the time she’d found it, set it next to her on the nightstand and grabbed the coffee mug, another message was sitting on the bottom corner of her computer screen.

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Anyway, just glad you don’t know me in real life._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Cut the crap, you can’t be that bad._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I just have a hard time dealing with people_
> 
> _Always have_
> 
> _But I think it’s worse around her_
> 
> _It’s like she brings out the most primal, Alpha douchebag side of me._
> 
> _So, no, I don’t smell like feet to her, but I’m sure she finds me just as unpleasant as your Alpha finds you._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I said I smell like rotten potatoes, you uneducated brute_
> 
> _And not smelling like rotten potatoes is a big plus in my book_
> 
> _Plus, she’s nice, right? Unlike the Alpha guy?_
> 
> _Maybe text her or something? As you have a hard time with people and all_
> 
> _Bonus points: no pheromones through text. You could just pass it as normal Alpha-Beta courtship or whatever._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I think she’d castrate me with a blunt knife if I tried to “court” her._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I think I like her._

Rey’s inbox went silent for what felt like an eternity, and she minimized the tab with a sad smile, reaching for her phone and scrolling through Instagram notifications. The room was so silent for the following minutes that the _ping_ coming from her computer startled her, causing her to accidentally like a photo of a shirtless Poe she’d been rolling her eyes at for a solid thirty seconds. 

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I think I like her, too._

_Global warming really is a bitch_ , she thought as another drastic, inexplicable change in temperature caused a damp, cold, unidentified feeling to curl up in her stomach. She tucked the floral duvet more snugly around her legs.

 

 

> _**Scavenger287 says:**_
> 
> _Give it a try, then._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I promise_
> 
> _Pursuing her is off the table._
> 
> _For reasons._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Okay, alright_
> 
> _Maybe try finding something to distract you, get your mind off her, you know? Do you still draw?_
> 
> _That sounds like fun_
> 
> _Or maybe try seeing other people, find and Omega to focus your attention on._
> 
> _Or, you know, whatever Alphas do._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No, haven’t drawn in years._
> 
> _Not properly._
> 
> _And I don’t get involved with Omegas. Strict personal rule._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _What? Voluntarily?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
> _I mean, I just feel like_
> 
> _You know_
> 
> _If biology’s clouding your judgement so badly you’d voluntarily fuck  an *Alpha*…_

Rey’s smile faltered slowly and she bit the insides of her cheeks with a defeated, almost imperceptible nod.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Can there really be true consent?_
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Exactly._

She swallowed thickly, pressing her lips together.

_*_

_The lines on the palm of her hand formed the letter M. Was it weird she’d never noticed that before? Maybe she’d just never looked at it as obstinately as she was at that moment – maybe nothing had ever taken as much concentration as trying to block out the male voices coming from behind the bedroom door._

_The thing is, blocking out the male voices also meant she had to block out Jess, who was kneeling in front of her, most definitely saying something._

_When Rey raised her eyes, Jess looked blurry. Warmth trailed down her cheeks as the world became full of sound once more._

_“Rey, are you listening? I don’t think this is another false alarm, babe. It’s happening.”_

_Jess’ voice was kind and low pitched, barely above a whisper when she rested her hands on Rey’s knees. Rey shifted awkwardly, and the mattress squeaked under her legs as she sniffed, raising her hand to wipe her cheeks and then to soothe her throbbing gland._

_“Of course it’s happening, they can scent her through the fucking door,” Kaydel whispered exasperatedly as she jammed a chair under the doorknob._

_“Kay!” Jess scolded, raising her brows, and Kaydel huffed, running her fingers through her hair._

_“I’m as fucking worried as you are, Jess, all I’m saying is she’s presenting and she obviously didn’t get as lucky as you did, so we need to find a way to….”_

_“C’mon, girls, just tell us who it is!” a voice yelled from the other side of the door, sending shivers through Rey’s body._

_“Yeah, is it Jess or Rey? C’mon, don’t be shy!”_

_“Doesn’t smell half bad!” someone yelled, enticing a wave of approving whoops._

_Squeezing her eyes shut, Rey scratched her gland frantically, as it scraping it off would rid her of the heat that was now spreading through her abdomen, threatening to take over her legs, her arms, her brain; threatening to kidnap her conscience, to make her stand up, open that door and –_

_“Girls, we really don’t have much time. lt won’t just die down this time, this isn’t another false alarm. We have to…”_

_“Kay, can you get a bottle of water in my backpack, please? It might help.”_

_Jess’ tone sounded particularly stern in contrast with Kaydel’s teary voice._

_“I don’t think…”_

_“Kay. Please.”_

_Rey didn’t turn to look, but she could hear Kaydel’s footseps moving towards the far corner of their dormitory, where their backpacks lay on the ground._

_Jess sounded considerably less collected when she whispered again, low enough for only her and Rey to hear._

_“Take these. Go into the bathroom, pretend you’re taking a cold shower, take two. It should get you through the school day today.”_

_“Are these…” Rey blinked, trying to get whatever Jess was pushing into her palms to focus. At the sight of the bright blue pills, her eyes widened. “Jess, are these… suppressants? Why do you have these? You’re a Beta, you don’t need…”_

_“Rey,” her friend murmured in a tone that left no room for questioning. “There’s no time. Please. Just do it, take them, go to school and –“_

_“Jess, your fucking bottle isn’t here!!”_

_“Of course it is, look harder!” Jess yelled, shaking her head as she lowered her voice again._

_The banging sounded like thunder against the door._

_“– you go to school, act normal, pretend nothing’s happening. You hear me? Then you go to this address”, she whispered hurriedly, pushing a crumpled piece of paper into Rey’s palm along with the pills, “you go in and you tell them you’re volunteering.”_

_“I don’t – “_

_“Rey, please, just– “_

_“Jess, are you talking about – “_

_“Listen, it isn’t one of the fancy government clinics but… you just go in and see, okay? See if that’s something you want, if not we’ll find another way, it’s just…”_

_She closed Rey’s hand around their secret as Kaydel’s steps drew closer._

_“It’s just a fighting chance,” she whispered, staring up at Rey with glimmering eyes._

_Rey just clenched her teeth, feeling her eyes burn as Kaydel placed a gentle hand on her shoulder, handing her a pink water bottle._

_“Here, babe, I found it.”_

_“No, I…” Rey shook her head, finally tearing her eyes away from Jess’s apprehensive face. “I think I need a cold shower.”_

_*_

 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _So I stick to Betas._
> 
> _I mean, used to. I pretty much gave up on dating a long time ago._
> 
> _But no, no Omegas for me._

 

Rey shook her head as if trying to shake the images away, wiping her cheeks hastily and squaring her shoulders.

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Maybe that’s why you’re attracted to her? Your preference for Betas?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I don’t know if I’d call it a preference._
> 
> _Either way, I don’t think so._
> 
> _This thing with her… this is something else._
> 
> _What about you, though? Why don’t you try seeing other people?_
> 
> _Might help you get your mind off him_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Not much of a dater, either._
> 
> _But I keep thinking it might be just my mind twisting things, you know?_
> 
> _Maybe I’m so stressed my brain’s just playing up some innocuous coincidence._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _It’s possible._
> 
> _I mean, we don’t know, anything’s possible._
> 
> _Just cool down, try not to overthink it._
> 
> _And look on the bright side: at least you won’t be locked with him in a room for hours anytime soon._
> 
>  
> 
> _**Scavenger287 says:**_
> 
> _Maybe, yeah._
> 
> _I’ll try that._
> 
> _Good luck with that, by the way_
> 
> _Try, I don’t know… breathing through your mouth?_
> 
> _And keep me posted!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Sure thing_

Rey nodded to herself, wiping her tears again for good measure as she reached for her mug. Just as her fingers were about to curl around the handle, a shockwave disrupted the wooden surface on the nightstand, causing her to jump. Cursing under her breath, she felt clumsily for her phone, accepting Poe’s call with a sulky look.

“Rise and shine, morning beauty!” he chirped directly into her ear.

“Poe, it’s seven in the fucking morning.”

“Quarter to seven, to be more precise. I’ll let you get back to sleep, though, just needed to fill you in.”

“On what? Is it the baby porgs?” she asked, sitting up straight, feeling exceptionally awake all of a sudden. From the other side, Poe chuckled.

“The baby porgs are fine, Rey. I’m sure they are. No, that Hugs dude emailed me in the middle of the fucking night asking if we’d be up for a meeting today.”

Rey didn’t know it was physically possible for her eyes to go wider, but, as it turned out, it was.

“What? Today?”

“Yeah, I know. They discussed it with their bestie, Hutt, after we left. Apparently.”

Clearing her throat and wetting her lips, Rey shook her head, trying to assimilate the message.

“And they wanna meet today?”

“Yeah, that’s what he said. I’m forwarding the email, check your inbox. Anyway, I think we should say yes. Show them we’re not afraid, you know?”

She cleared her throat again, trying to convince herself she _did_ know. 

“Yeah. Yeah, sure, you’re right. I’m in.”

“Cool. They suggested 10 a.m. at City Hall, is that alright? We can come by and pick you up at 9h30.”      

“Sure. Yeah, sure. Sounds good.”

“Cool, I’ll let them know! Go back to sleep, babe, it’s early. Sweet dreams!”

Rey hung up with a muffled “See you,” her lost eyes straying slowly back to the screen. 

_Look on the bright side._

With a deep sigh, she buried her face in her hands, oblivious to Bebe purring softly against her left thigh.

 

___________

 

“This piece of junk will get us killed one of these days,” Rey stated matter-of-factly from the backseat, her eyes fixed on the vast ocean that rolled past the window of Poe’s ancient car.

“Hey, you watch your mouth, young lady!” Poe cried from the driver's seat, pointing a finger at her through the rearview mirror. “The Wing is in _pristine condition_. Much better than that garbage in Han’s garage you’re _oh so fond of_.”

“Baby, eyes on the road,” Finn mumbled from the passenger seat, but Poe waved him off, shaking his head.

“Your lack of faith in my driving skills is disturbing.”

Rey had to admit that Poe’s ability to drive and stare lovingly at Finn at the same time was impressive, but she’d never admit it.

“No one’s doubting your driving skills, Dameron, just your appreciation for our lives. And this thing _is_ falling apart”, Rose added from across the backseat, her back to the door, her feet rested on Rey’s lap.

Rey nodded enthusiastically, patting Rose’s thigh.

“It is. And the Falcon is a _classic._ How dare you?”

“Mark my words, that thing will simply disintegrate one of these days. Han will be under it, unscrewing God knows what for the umpteenth time, when _poof_!” he opened his hands theatrically, letting go of the steering wheel as he pulled up in front of City Hall. “Gone. Forever. Without a trace.”

“Fuck you, you’re just jealous,” Rey mumbled, rolling her eyes as she unfastened her seatbelt and opened the door.

“Your love for Han Solo and his piece of junk will get you in deep shit one of these days, Reyrey, you just wait and see”, Poe announced solemnly as he slammed the door shut,  causing the entire car to wobble, its suspensions screeching ominously.

When Rey didn’t answer, he took it as a victory, turning around and flashing her one of his beautiful smiles as he ran his fingers through his windswept hair.. Had he not turned around, he might have understood Rey’s silence better.

To be fair, she scented him before she saw him. She might have actually sensed him before she’d even scented him, as if his mere presence hummed in the morning air, letting her know his body was close, so close, _close enough for her to –_

 “Morning, Solo,” Finn said in an unusually stern tone, and Poe turned around, still fixing his hair. Rey couldn’t quite see if he was still smiling.

No, the molecules suspended in the air couldn’t _possibly_ have shifted to announce he was near. What was the point of them doing so, anyway, when the very same wind that swept Poe’s hair was already blowing his scent right into her nostrils? How could she have missed it, when it made her entire body tense and relax at the same time, her brain working frantically to keep her breathing through her mouth while something ancient, bottomless and nameless deep in her chest whispered _just a lungful, just one more._ _It can’t harm us. He can’t…_

 “Morning,” Solo answered, his voice barely discernible from the deep rumble of the waves in the distance. Something in the way he looked reminded Rey of a car crash; of something she desperately wanted – _needed_ – to look away from but couldn’t bring herself to, enthralled by the horror, the fear, or maybe by this foreign, unsettling _thing_ in her chest. Then again, maybe it was just the way he looked so tall halfway up the City Hall’s front steps; the way his dark gray blazer stretched across his back; the way his thick black hair flew around his face, making him look almost divine.

Or, then again, maybe it was the fact he was staring at her again, his jaw locked, his full lips twisted around that obscure emotion she couldn’t put her finger on. 

 _Disgust_ was her best bet.

“Hey, where’s your gang?” Poe teased, and now Rey could actually hear the smile in his voice. Slowly – painfully slowly – Solo tore his eyes from hers, locking them with Poe’s for a millisecond before turning around and making his way to the old building’s broad doorway in absolute silence.

“Lovely,” Poe muttered, the ghost of a smile still lingering on his lips as he turned around to make sure he’d locked the doors.

“Do you think he heard you?” Finn asked tentatively, already making his way to the stairs.

“Heard me what, say the man he turned his back on for years has been getting the love and attention he deserves from Rey? I sure as fuck hope he did.”

Finn’s answer came in a reproaching tone Rey knew all too well.

“Listen, you didn’t invent disliking Ben Solo, but you just threw Rey under the bus there, babe. Not cool.”

Rose nodded emphatically, two steps ahead of Rey.

“Yeah, did you see the way he was looking at her? It was terrifying.”

“Like he wanted to kill her or eat her or something,” Finn agreed, looking over at Rey sympathetically.

“No, it’s fine, guys. It really is.”

Rey had no idea how her vocal folds managed to produce such evenly enunciated words, but she thanked all the deities she knew for it.

“See?” Poe beamed, throwing Rey a smile over his shoulder. “C’mon, guys, you’ve seen Rey lie down in front of a moving tractor. Do you really think she’ll be affected by _Ben Solo_?”

It took everything Rey had to force her lips into a believable smile.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hands up if you've ever felt personally victimized by your cats at ungodly hours. 
> 
> Fun fact: comments clear my skin, do my laundry, pay my bills, water my plants and get Fubá, Guaraná and Flor to stop meowing in the middle of the night. 
> 
> Love your faces! <3


	4. Eye of the storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hi, didn't see you there! I managed to get some editing done over the weekend. Could I interest you in an extra chapter this week?

 

 

It was a nice shade of blue, Rey told herself. Pretty, verging on green. A very unique shade of Tiffany blue, and she _did_ like Tiffany blue, so that’s why she kept her eyes glued to the large box laid in the middle of the conference table.

 _Not_ to avoid looking at Ben Solo as he took a seat right next to Phasma, across from Poe, or at his large fingers as they fiddled with the elastic on a carton folder.

Definitely not.

“Please help yourself, Ms. Sanders,” Rey heard Phasma’s elegant voice say as manicured fingers opened the box, revealing a vast assortment of expensive-looking donuts. “Take it as a ‘thank you’ for agreeing to meet on such short notice. All of you.”

Rey swallowed thickly, raising her eyes to meet the woman’s just as Poe shifted uncomfortably on the seat to her left. 

“C’mon, we haven’t poisoned them,” Hux said with a smile in his voice, sounding a lot like a robot trying to mimic human emotions.

Rey glanced at him quickly, only long enough to regret doing so, and turned back to face Phasma, who looked exponentially less unpleasant.

“Thank you, I’m plant based.”

“Of course you are,” she heard a deep voice rumble from across the table. It was so low she might have thought she had imagined it, hadn’t Ben Solo been pinching the bridge of his nose, his eyes closed, when she turned towards the sound.

“Excuse me? Did you say something?”

It never ceased to amaze her, how strong her voice managed to sound when sheer anger pushed it out of her.

Solo didn’t bother looking at her, shaking his head and scratching his nose as he turned his attention back to the folder in front of him.

“Funny, ‘cause I’m pretty sure…” Rey started, her voice lowering menacingly, only to be interrupted by Phasma.

 “These two are raspberry jam, 100% vegan. I made sure to check.”

Rey heard a very familiar huff of outrage coming from Rose’s chair before she actually heard her friend’s voice.

 “Thank you, _Phasma_ , I don’t think any of us…. _Finn_!”

Before Rose had even started what was sure to be a good speech about dirty money and capitalism, Finn’s hand darted towards the donut box, snatching a chocolate frosted treat.

“Free food paid by _them_? Sign me in,” he shrugged, biting into the shiny, pretentious donut. With an almost identical shrug, Poe extended his hand, taking what appeared to be a cream-filled one.

“There’s no such thing as…” Rose continued to murmur angrily, leaning closer to Finn and Poe, but Rey didn’t hear the full sermon. Her attention had suddenly been monopolized by Ben Solo moving in her peripheral vision. She made a point of not looking in his direction – _in and out through the mouth, just like that, we’re doing good_ – but it was hard to miss the huge hand that seemed to hover above the carton box for ages before casually grabbing….

_A sugar coated raspberry jam donut._

Resolution to ignore his presence momentarily forgotten, she followed the donut’s  trajectory with an indignant frown, her mouth falling open as he brought it to his mouth, still looking down at his _precious notes_ , and gave it a plentiful bite, coating his full lips in sugar.

 _The nerve. The audacity. The sheer disregard for the limited food choices available to those who don’t conform to mainstream eating habits,_ she thought, snapping her jaw shut before snatching a vegan donut and giving it an unnecessarily aggressive bite, causing blood-red jam to trickle down her hand.   

_“You too, Rey?”_ Rose murmured, disappointment dripping from each syllable.

“Let Rey eat, you know what happened to her blood sugar yesterday. You want her passing out?” Finn intervened, swallowing a particularly large bite of his donut.

“Yeah, poor thing’s been working herself into starvation monitoring those baby porgs,” Poe added, nodding and licking his fingers. Rey’s brain, being the trickster it was apparently becoming, made her believe Solo’s eyes had darted to her face when Poe said that, but, sure enough, he was still looking down at his notes, shoving a last piece of vegan dough into his mouth when she looked at him.

Hux cleared his throat, squaring his shoulders in a way that made him look a lot like an obnoxious peacock.

“Now that the nutritional insufficiency of Ms. Sanders’ diet has been thoroughly discussed, can we –”

“–my diet is _not_ –”

“– Get down to business?”

 _“_ Yes, I think we should,” Poe answered before Rey could defend herself, and she narrowed her eyes at him, licking jam off the back of her hand.

In her peripheral, Ben Solo might or might not have emitted a low, disapproving growl – _of course he has_ , _would he miss the opportunity to express his distaste for my table manners,_ she thought angrily, licking her hand again for good measure. She couldn’t be sure, though, because Poe _was_ still speaking, after all, which admittedly impaired her hearing.

“And I think we should start with dates. Hutt said construction starts in two weeks, is that right?”

Phasma’s and Hux’s nods looked almost synchronized. Solo remained still, fiddling with a ball pen. Not that Rey was paying attention. 

“Yeah, so,” Poe drawled, leaning back and crossing his arms over his chest. The hint of satisfaction in his voice sounded all too familiar to Rey’s ears. “Not gonna happen.”

“Excuse me?”

Hux’s hissing response fell from his lips with such spontaneous disgust Rey was pretty sure he’d _almost_ forgotten he needed to sound human.

Poe, in turn, sounded like he’d _almost_ forgotten he wasn’t supposed to be having this much fun.

“You see, as Rose’s hay fever will attest, we’ve just entered spring, so, no, no construction starting in two weeks.”

 “What are you talking about?” Phasma pressed, her brows knitting together, sounding slightly more composed than her colleague.

“Rey, care to explain?”  Poe asked with theatrical eloquence, gesturing to the other side of the conference table as his head turned towards Rey.

“My pleasure,” she answered, wiping her hands on her pants and letting her interlaced fingers rest on the wooden table before locking eyes with Phasma.

_Phasma. Focus on Phasma. In and out through the mouth. That’s it. We’re doing good._

“The porgs’ mating cycle takes place in the final third of winter, when temperatures are starting to get milder. This year it was early February, as our monitoring showed.”

On either side of her, she could see Finn, Poe and Rose nodding emphatically, but she didn’t dare tear her eyes away from Phasma’s, whose expression was unreadable.

“That means they laid their eggs mid-February, and they started hatching a little over two weeks ago.”

“That’s _very_ interesting, Ms. Sanders,” Hux interrupted in a tone that insinuated he’d never heard anything less interesting in his life, “but what does that have to do with our project?”

“That means you should have at least done minimal research on the basic dynamics of the ahchtonian ecosystem before you even conceived your _little project_ ,” Rey explained, the calmness in her voice in stark contrast to the anger boiling in her chest. When she turned to face Hux, his ears were almost the shade of his hair. “Because baby porgs are highly dependent on their parents for at least four months after they’re born, and adult porgs are highly sensitive to any disruption in their habitat during their reproductive cycle – _especially_ noise.”

Hux tilted his head ever so slightly, his brows knitted so closely they almost touched.

“If basic logic is that hard to follow,” Rose stepped in, her voice stern and grave. “In order for these baby porgs to survive, they depend on their parents until early July. At the _very least_. And disrupting the breeding zone until then might actually _kill_ their parents, consequently killing the babies.”

Rey nodded emphatically, looking away from Hux as Phasma rejoined the conversation.

“Kill their parents? Isn’t that a bit extreme? Our construction site isn’t _inside_ the nature reserve, so I don’t see... ”

“It’s on the rim of it, though. That’s close enough,” Finn chimed in, looking at Rey for support. She looked back at him, nodding again, and he proceeded. “I don’t think you understand just how sensitive they are. Last week we lost two porgs after a particularly violent thunder storm.”

Rey looked down at her hands, locking her jaw and blinking against the warmth in her eyes.

“That meant three orphaned babies. We’re lucky _Rey’s_ our vet, otherwise we’d have _five_ dead porgs in our hands. Because of a _thunder storm,_ ” Finn continued, barely able to disguise the thickness in his voice. “Don’t you realize what the sound of trucks, hammers and stone crushers could do?”    

Across the table, Phasma shifted uncomfortably, the old chair creaking under her legs. Hux, on the other hand, leaned in, resting his forearms on the table before asking in what seemed to be the most patronizing tone he could muster:

“Aren’t you specialists? Can’t you... _relocate the birds_ or something?”

“What part of _any disruption to their habitat_ wasn’t clear to you, Mr. Hux?” Rey spat, her patience wearing dangerously thin. “Isolation and temporary relocation are topics we can discuss _after_ July. Until then, any action in the reserve is _off the table_.”

“Look on the bright side,” Poe said, leaning back on his seat and turning to face Ben Solo. “You can use the extra time to redraw that godawful Ikea dresser you call a project.”

“Excuse me?” Solo answered, his voice contained but oddly strained.

If Rey hadn’t been so focused on pretending he wasn’t there, maybe the velvety depth of his voice wouldn’t have taken her off guard, and then _maybe_ – just _maybe_ – her body wouldn’t have responded to the sound by switching to autopilot and making her take a deep breath through her nose.

Mistakes usually add up. At least that’s what they say.

Come to think of it, her first mistake had probably been accepting to come to this meeting, or maybe not having vehemently protested against Phasma closing the door. Because his scent seemed to have brewed and intensified in the confined space over the time they’d been there, and now it hit her like a freight train, way stronger and exponentially more mind numbing than it had been outside. Her hand flew to her nose instinctively, and she scratched the side of her nostril to justify the sudden movement, pressing her legs together and trying her best to look nonchalant as she reached for a bottle of water and took a long sip.

Hopefully, the face-off between Poe and Solo would steer everyone’s attention away from the fact the liquid was shaking inside the bottle as she held it to her mouth.

“Did I stutter?” Poe retorted with the hint of a smile in his voice. “You will have to make adjustments to your original… whatever that was. Structural adjustments.”

Three. There were three palm trees on the label of the water bottle in Rey’s hands, which was strange, since there were no palm trees in their area. Must be made in Scarif, she thought, or maybe in some random place where they just didn’t care about insignificant details such as endemic flora. Somewhere far, far away, where Ben Solo’s scent didn’t cling to people’s nostrils, didn’t seep under their skin, making everything feel tingly and warm and bright; didn’t fall into people’s bloodstream, running straight to their heart and making it swell and threaten to burst into a blinding supernova.

Or maybe just Scarif. She took another big gulp.

“I know it’s a lot to ask of you, Dameron, but could you stop acting like a _child_  and go straight to the fucking point?”

It was like she could taste his voice in the water.

“Maybe the adult in the room can enlighten you, Solo,” Poe shot back, and Rey was downing another sip of water when he added “Rey?”

She coughed hard as the liquid made its way down her windpipe, putting the bottle down and smashing her closed fist against her chest several times before clearing her throat and wiping her mouth.

“Sorry. Sure,” she croaked, clearing her throat again before raising her eyes reluctantly and turning her head towards Solo’s chair.

  During the night, she had convinced herself that her brain had cooked up a vastly exaggerated version of his eyes and of the weird, all-encompassing magnetic field they seemed to emanate. When their eyes locked, though, her hope came crumbling down, apparently bringing her grasp on basic metabolic functions along with it.

_Breathe. Mouth. Breathe._

“Even though….” she began, but her voice still came out hoarse, so she cleared her throat again. His eyes darted towards her chin for a split second, glaring at the wetness caused by her accident as if it had personally offended him. When he looked back at her eyes, his jaw was locked, his full lips moving as if he were chewing on unspoken words. She held onto the obvious disgust on his face to fuel her anger, trying to pull her brain out of the haze in which his scent had submerged it.

“Even though the construction area is technically outside the reserve, we’ve been monitoring at least five porg families that live there. They’re currently in the breeding zone, but they’ll go back as soon as their new babies are strong enough. That’s why we’ve been pushing for the expansion of the limits of the national park for over a year – a campaign Hutt has _conveniently_ boycotted.”

The reminder of Hutt’s blatantly corrupt ways fueled her rage even further, fire slowly but surely replacing the obnoxious fluttering in her stomach. Solo parted his lips slightly but didn’t say a word, his chest rising and falling slowly, and Rey squared her shoulders, enunciating her words as assertively as she could bring herself to. 

“That means your… _design_ will have to accommodate those families somehow. As I said, porgs are very sensitive to changes in their environment. Moving them permanently could be very stressful. That means you’ll have to find a way to integrate the building with their natural habitat,” she concluded, wetting her lips and lifting her chin slightly. 

Caramel. Turned out his eyes were caramel. Who would have thought? They held hers for a moment – an infinite moment in which all of her self-awareness seemed to be reduced to the fire building in the pit of her stomach and the thundering sound of her heart beating in her ears. Her gland itched, but she kept her face straight as if her life depended on it, interlacing her fingers more firmly on the table.

“You’re saying the building needs to preserve all the variables of their ecological niche so as not to put them under stress,” he said, more a statement than a question. His voice still sounded weirdly strained, and, despite herself, she wondered if he had a cold. “Which would demand a full restructuration of the design.”

She blinked several times, slightly dizzied by his translation of her words. 

“Precisely,” she answered, feeling the warmth in her belly slowly expand, crawling towards her chest like a slow tide.

“Not happening.”

His answer was so curt and so blunt it hit her like a physical blow, jolting her brain out of its foggy state.

“Excuse me?”

“Not happening,” he repeated. His eyes kept holding hers as a new wave of anger spread through her body, overriding the side effects of his proximity. “It took First Order over a year do greenlight this design. Countless redesigns, pitching to shareholders, hours upon hours of discussion with the board _and_ the president. We can’t restart it from the ground up in two weeks.”

“Five months.”

“ _Two weeks_ ,” he insisted, his voice low and intoxicating.

She drew in a deep breath through her mouth, focusing on the anger.

“Did I fucking stutter? There’s no way _in hell_ you’ll start building this monstrosity before July!” 

Her voice went up a few decibels, and he followed the lead.

“I think _you’re_ the one who didn’t understand that the company’s vision is –”

“The company’s vision can _suck my ass_ ,” she bellowed the last three words, splaying both hands on the table and springing to her feet without realizing she’d done so. “You know what _my_ vision is? A world where _lives_ aren’t seen as _commodities,_ where business lingo isn’t used to sugarcoat pain and suffering. Preferably a world where capitalism _fucking crumbles_ so I can wake up and go to sleep every day inside a dome made of sea and life, looking out on an ocean that’s untouched by human greed.”

Her chest heaved as she leaned forward, her trembling fingers pressing hard against hard wood and her heart beating furiously in her ears.

“But, you know what? I don’t. I live in a box made of concrete and death on the corner of Port St. and 5th. I wake up and go to sleep to the sound of my tap leaking. And I live in a world where corrupt politicians _shit_ on environmental law so that their _powerful little friends_ can make some quick buck. Learning that our _vision_ means _shit_ is part of adult life for us, peasants. It’s high time you _money-grubbing  pricks_ learned that lesson, too. So, yes, _you’re fucking waiting until July_.”

Calm before the storm. That’s probably how fishermen and sailors would describe the glass-like surface of his eyes when she forced herself to pay attention to them again – the same undisrupted silkiness you’d see on the surface of the water before a mighty storm. She lifted her chin and bit the insides of her cheeks, waiting for the thunder.

It seemed like it was coming – it really did, when he started to get up slowly, hands splayed across the table, stance mirroring her own to a tee. His lips were slightly parted when he breathed out, his chin quivering slightly before he spoke again. Thunder was coming, for sure.

Only it didn’t.

“Nice speech. Why don’t you go recite it to our boss?” he muttered, his voice hoarse and contained, but tinted with an edge of _something_ she couldn’t put a name to.

“I tend to injured sharks. _In the water_. You think I can be intimidated by _James Snoke_?” she spat the name with as much disdain as she could draw from the pits of her stomach, sickened by the mere thought of the man.

He locked his jaw again, his brows rising and his nostrils flaring as his chest heaved, curiously in time with her own.

And then he flinched.

She was prepared for a lot – screaming, offenses, threats. She’d heard it all before. What she wasn’t prepared for was the pained expression that suddenly took over his face as he stood up straight and took a hasty step back, his chair screeching against the granite floor.

“I need more water,” he mumbled, his voice barely audible as he tore his eyes from hers and grabbed his empty water bottle, storming out of the room in long strides.  

She stood there, staring at his empty chair for what felt like ages. It couldn’t have been ages, though, because Poe wouldn’t have been able to wait that long before he cleared his throat, making himself the center of the world again.

“Well, that was entertaining,” he chirped, and Rey sat down slowly, turning to face him. She was met with a wink, a bright smile and a squeeze of her hand that whispered ‘that’s my girl’.  

“Very much so,” Phasma murmured, the corners of her mouth twisted in an awkward position. If Rey didn’t know better, she’d think the woman was biting back a laugh. “But can we take advantage of the break to go back to our initial discussion?”

“Construction period, yes,” Rose agreed with the ghost of a smile on her lips, squeezing Rey’s knee under the table. “July or we veto.”

“July’s just unreasonable,” Hux said, his voice just as ice cold as it had been before the showdown.

Rey didn’t bother checking if his expression had changed, though. Her eyes wandered back to Ben Solo’s empty chair, which now sat a few feet away from the table. The conversation around her faded to dull background noise as her breathing went back to normal, accompanying her heartbeat. As time and space fell back into place, his smell came back to her nostrils in full force, even though she was breathing as carefully as she could.

Maybe it wasn’t coming back at all – maybe it had never left. Maybe it would never leave.

The scary part, though, is that it felt like it had always been there.

Her eyes stung, and she blinked rapidly, lowering her gaze to her clasped hands.

 _A cruel cosmic joke_. That was probably the best way to describe it, because now she was sure she wasn’t imagining it. This couldn’t be her brain playing tricks or a byproduct of stress; this couldn’t be her imagination. No. This fire in her abdomen was all too familiar and oddly foreign at the same time, like an old friend you’ve once known better than you know yourself, but that life turned into a stranger.

 “How many times do we have to explain that this is _murder_?” Finn exclaimed, punching the table and jolting her out of her trance.

“And how many times do _we_ have to explain that-” Hux bellowed, standing up, a vein threatening to pop on his temple.

“Oi!” Phasma yelled, louder than everyone, and all eyes turned to face her. She swallowed, nodding curtly and lowering her voice to a composed tone. “This is going nowhere. This is my proposition: you write a report detailing your points and we present it to Mr. Snoke. We’ll put construction on hold until we hear back from him, and we can schedule a new meeting to discuss the new terms of the agreement in, say… ten days?”

Rey furrowed her brows, trying to process the unexpected reasonableness of the proposal, and, when she looked at Poe, Finn and Rose, their expressions matched her own. Poe gave them a meaningful look, and they all agreed silently, so he nodded, turning back to face Phasma.

“Alright, we accept. But if we get wind of you being up to any funny business…”

“You won’t. I give you my word,” Phasma said in a tone that warranted no distrust just as the door of the conference room creaked open.

Poe said something else, but Rey didn’t hear it. Her traitorous eyes shot towards the door, towards _him,_ as if they’d learned to orbit his gravity, and, sure enough, his own eyes were fixed on her as he closed the door behind him.

He looked away so quickly she might have believed she’d imagined it, hadn’t it been for the shockwave his quick stare sent through her body.

Curiously enough, his water bottle was nowhere to be seen. His hands were occupied holding his dark gray jacket, which he hung hastily over the back of his chair before sitting back down, his eyes still low. Some tendrils of his jet black hair looked slightly damp, as if he’d been splashing water on his face, and the sleeves of his white dress shirt were rolled up to his elbows. That bit was particularly inconvenient when he brought both hands to his hair, brushing the damp locks away from his face, because the movement made every muscle in his now exposed forearms painfully visible. It also made the sleeves ride up his arms a little, and, as he lowered his hands again, looking at Phasma as he reached for a pen, Rey could see the skin on the inside of his elbow. And it was there, on the pale stretch of thin skin where his forearm met his upper arm, that she saw it.

Phasma was talking. Finn was talking, too. Or at least she thought they were. She knew there were voices, but she couldn’t quite hear the words. She couldn’t really hear anything over the sound of all the pieces falling into place.

Because there, on his arm, a faint, round purple bruise stared at her. Tiny. Inconspicuous. Innocent.

Life changing.

It was as if it had physically hit her chest: her breathing became shallow and pained, her vision blurred, her chest tight.

Rose was speaking. She was almost sure it was Rose.

“Bathroom,” she managed to croak in Poe’s ear as she got up and made for the door, never looking back to see if he’d answered.

The sound of her own steps was deafening to her ears as she moved towards the bathroom mechanically, unable to think, barely able to hear.

Her senses were hazy and limpid at the same time, the strength of her wrath making it hard to think, but also making everything _so clear_.

She pushed the bathroom door open with more strength than necessary, catching a glimpse of a stranger that had her face in the mirror before making a sharp beeline for the stalls and locking herself in one of them, the door slamming behind her.

She closed the toilet lid and sat down, her hand shaking as she slid it into the pocket of her denim jacket, fishing out a small silver tin. With trembling fingers, she opened it, revealing a dozen bright blue pills. They rattled inside the tin when she grabbed two and shoved them in her mouth, throwing her head back to swallow them.

As the pills made their scratchy way down her throat, she kept her head back, resting it against the wall. The warmth of the tear streaming down her face felt like the antithesis of the cold tiles against her scalp, but she could barely tell as she brought her hand up to her throat, instinctively reaching for her gland. The throbbing and the itchiness were all-encompassing now, as if her discovery had turned them into the only sensations in the world.     

Her gland still felt flat and cold to her touch, though, barely discernible from the skin around it. But how could it be, when an all-consuming fire seemed to have been ignited inside of it, threatening to devour her entire body?

No – the suppressants would placate it. They’d stop the fire. They had to. Her unprecedented last minute decision to bring them out of the house had to be worth something.

*

 _“You’ll still have to take them once a month,” the doctor said, not even raising his eyes to meet hers as he handed her the white box and turned his attention back to his notepad. “To make sure the therapy holds._ _Renew it, if you will. You can also take one or two as an emergency resource if you feel like you have any signs of your original designation coming through – it may happen these first few months. Nothing to worry about.”_

_He finally raised his eyes, shooting her an insincere smile. It made her stomach turn._

 *

She’d just have to wait for them to kick in, she decided, letting out a shuddering breath as her hands reached for her phone of their own accord. She didn’t really think about what she was doing when her trembling fingers unlocked the screen and tapped the app store. Didn’t stop to question it when she typed in ‘Alpha business’ and downloaded the app for the horrible website. It seemed natural. It seemed like the right thing to do. It seemed like the _only_ thing she could _possibly_ do, logging in and double tapping her inbox. It felt like the mere sight of Kylo’s name made the act of breathing almost bearable. Typing the words made it even better, like sucking the poison out of a snake bite.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says_ ** _:_
> 
> _Enhancers_
> 
> _He’s on enhancers_
> 
> _That motherfucker’s on enhancers_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I mention this was going to be really angsty, btw? 
> 
> Choo choo. 
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr (@Heartsabers) and Twitter (@HeartSabers) if you feel like it, and please consider leaving a comment if you have something to say! 
> 
> Love your faces! <3


	5. Harbor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday, fam! 
> 
> Before we dive in, I just need to thank @Anisky for accepting to Beta this fic. If there's anything you like about the story moving forward, you can thank this literal angel for it. She's also stopped me from deleting the entire thing this week, so kudos to her! lol
> 
> Go show her some love on Twitter! twitter.com/anisky <3

 

 

The microwave beeped loudly in the tiny coffee area, jerking Rey out of her reverie, and she walked towards it, glad to have something to occupy her hands. She grabbed the water bag inside, pressing it between her open palms to make sure it wasn’t too hot before wrapping it in a fluffy white towel and bringing it back to the examination room. The cages that lined the back wall were mostly empty, and the sight warmed her heart. Empty cages meant healed animals.

“You’re next, buddy. Pinky swear,” she smiled, booping a big tortoise as she walked by its cage. Tucking a tendril of hair behind her ear, she made her way past the silver examination table and towards a see-through, hole-studded acrylic box that sat on a counter in the corner of the room. 

She smiled wider when the baby porgs that sat inside looked up at her, chirping excitedly.

“Yeah, babies, look! It’s momma!”

She removed the lid as carefully as possible, placing the warm water bag right next to the makeshift nest she’d assembled in the middle of the box. The birds flapped their tiny wings merrily, snuggling up against the white towel as she scratched their heads one by one.

“No, buddy, don’t be greedy,” she cooed as one of the babies pecked her finger. “You just ate! Dinner’s in…”

She grabbed her phone, suddenly realizing she had no idea how much time had gone by since she’d been dropped off at their headquarters.

“Two hours,” she mumbled, suddenly distracted by the tiny red bubble that indicated she had a new notification on Alpha Business.

“So hang in there, ok?” she said, smiling at the porgs distractedly as she put the lid back on, turning her attention back to her phone. 

****

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Holy fuck_
> 
> _What a piece of shit_
> 
> _What the fuck is wrong with these assholes???_
> 
> _How did you find out?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Let’s just say he doesn’t really bother hiding it_
> 
>  

She leaned against the counter, bringing her hand to her neck and absentmindedly running her fingers over her gland. Sure enough, the pills had worked their magic. The itching and the heat were fully gone now, as was the fog that had enveloped her brain, compromising her thoughts.

Past the fear, the confusion, and the rage, there was now a glorious, newfound sense of control. She knew what it was now. He was on enhancers – injectable ones, at that – that were probably so strong they were throwing off her entire metabolism. That _had_ to be it. Damn, it was so obvious. How had she not seen it before? It was written all over him: the selfishness, the entitlement, the disregard for the well-being of others – humans and animals alike.

His scent, his face, his eyes – they were still there. They wouldn’t leave, of course, because he’d convinced himself it was his right to disrupt other people’s lives just for the pleasure of being _wanted_. Of feeling _powerful_. She could fight them now, though; use the strength of her memory to fuel her rage, to keep her mind sane. She just had to keep her metabolism in check until this was all over, until he was gone and this whole ordeal was in her rearview mirror, disappearing in the distance as if it had been nothing but a particularly bad dream. 

_Ping._

****

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _What the fuck?? He’s boasting about it?_
> 
> _In real life? In front of other people?_

She smiled sarcastically, nodding to her phone as the small purple bruise on his arm flashed through her mind. 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Pretty much, yeah._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That’s disgusting, even for Alpha standards._
> 
> _And that’s saying a lot._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Oh, you sweet summer child_
> 
> _You haven’t heard the half of it_
> 
> _They’re injectable ones._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _WHAT?_
> 
> _Aren’t they illegal where you are?_
> 
> _You’re in Yavin, right?_

 

She furrowed her brows, narrowing her eyes at the screen. Yavin? 

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Sorry, I looked up your profile when you first messaged me._

 

Of fucking course – the fake info. She sighed heavily, shaking her head.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Oh, right!_
> 
> _Yeah, Yavin!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Pretty sure it’s illegal there_
> 
> _You should report his ass_
> 
> _How does he think that’s ok? The entitlement, holy fuck!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I know, right? I’ll look it up._
> 
> _Not that well versed in Alpha medication law, tbh_

She wouldn’t, of course. Who would she report him to? City Hall? In a city with one other Alpha, who probably just thought Solo smelt particularly bad, and no registered Omegas other than a mated one? She closed her eyes, growling as she wiped a hand down her face. Why would he even _use_ enhancers in the first place?

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _It’s pretty straightforward, actually._
> 
> _Injectable blockers are usually allowed, especially if you work around Omegas and stuff._
> 
> _I actually have a stash for emergencies, totally saved my ass today._
> 
> _But injectable enhancers are illegal in most states, except for a couple on the outer rim that are stuck in the dark ages._
> 
> _Definitely illegal in Yavin, though. Just report his ass._
> 
> _He can’t get away with this._
> 
> ****
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Thank you, that really helps_
> 
> _I didn’t know the specifics_
> 
> _Will definitely look into it_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You think that’s what’s throwing you off?_

 

She bit her lower lip, her stomach feeling uncomfortably cold.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I’m pretty sure that’s it._
> 
> _I mean, if it’s illegal, where is he getting this stuff?_
> 
> _Is there any kind of surveillance? Who controls the side effects?_
> 
> _Who knows what that shit could do to people’s hormones, you know_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Absolutely_
> 
> _God, that’s so fucked up in so many ways_
> 
> _Alphas should go extinct, I’m telling you_

She smiled, the message reminding her of the first comment she’d read. The one where he….

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Hey, can I ask you a question?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You just did_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Go eat shit_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Karma’s a bitch, ain’t she?_
> 
> _Shoot_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _You don’t have to answer if I’m overstepping_
> 
> _But do you remember your comment on the forum?_
> 
> _The one where you said you hoped Alphas went extinct?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Sure_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _You also mentioned you considered DNT when you were about to present._
> 
> _I was curious about that_

It took him a minute to answer.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _God, Internet anonymity is crazy, isn’t it?_
> 
> _I don’t think I’d ever said that out loud._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I’m sorry, you don’t have to talk about it_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No, it’s fine_
> 
> _Really_
> 
> _I kinda feel like you’ll understand anything I tell you. Is that too weird?_

She smiled wide, a cozy, wholesome warmth spreading through her chest, so different from the violent, scorching heat she’d experienced only a few hours before.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Trust me, it isn’t_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Good_
> 
> _So, I live in Coruscant now_
> 
> _Officially_
> 
> _But I’m originally from this really small town up north_
> 
> _You’ve probably never even heard of it_
> 
> _Anyway, I started to present when I was about 15. My best friend at the time presented as an Alpha around the same time._
> 
> _He was the only other Alpha in town._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Did it make the process easier?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Not really. The opposite, actually._
> 
> _I mean, people didn’t really know what to do with us. Suppression for Alphas was still taboo back then (surprise, I’m old), people didn’t even talk about blockers, so we were force-fed the traditional Alpha education crap._
> 
> _You know the drill. “Your sole purpose in life is finding an Omega. Mate your Omega. Protect your Omega. Satisfy your Omega. Your Omega depends on you. You are the meaning of your Omega’s entire existence. Not finding an Omega will turn you into an aggressive, destructive mess.” Dark Ages stuff._
> 
> _I had an uncle who was an Alpha. Weird, hermit uncle whom I barely knew, but he was the only living Alpha in the family, so my parents sent me to spend time with him._
> 
> _Spoiler alert: it was hell._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Damn, that sounds horrible._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Trust me, it was even worse than it sounds._
> 
> _Anyway, that friend of mine didn’t really have an issue with any of that. Then again, he didn’t get shipped to his moralist pain in the ass of an uncle, but that’s beside the point._
> 
> _He just accepted the “Alpha condition” – as one would, ‘cause what could he do about it, really?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Did he become a douchebag?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Not really. He’s a very decent guy, as far as Alphas go. Recently found out he’s mated to a really progressive Omega, seems like a very healthy relationship._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _That’s cool. And rare._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Tell me about it._
> 
> _Anyway, I took the whole “Alpha ed” thing differently. The whole thing just sounded so limiting._
> 
> _So restrictive, you know?_
> 
> _I wanted to draw, to see things, to travel the world._
> 
> _I wanted to fall in love, not become some kind of omnipotent overlord of someone’s feelings._
> 
> _You see, it’s not that I didn’t want to be an Alpha; I just didn’t want to be the kind of Alpha they were presenting to me as the only possible option._
> 
> _It felt as if they were asking me to sacrifice who I was at the shrine of what society expected me to be._
> 
> _If that makes any sense._

 

Rey nodded to herself, sitting down on the cold examination table as she wiped the corner of her eye.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Makes more sense than I could possibly tell._
> 
> _And then what happened?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I became aggressive, angry at everything and everyone. My parents put it down to the designation thing and, the more aggressive I got, the more they tried to shove the propaganda down my throat._
> 
> _It snowballed from there._
> 
> _I isolated myself, burned every bridge, made sure I hurt everyone enough for them to stay away._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Including your best friend?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Especially my best friend._
> 
> _And then DNT came around. I was about 17 when it did, so I had presented, which meant I was eligible for the government program. I was underage, though, so I’d need my parents to authorize it, and I didn’t have the guts to ask them._
> 
> _I mean, I don’t know if you remember it, but DNT was advertised as something for Omegas. Something they could do to avoid violence (as if all the violence against them was their fault…)_
> 
> _It would technically work for Alphas, but, as I said, even blockers were taboo back then. All the responsibility to “protect” themselves was thrown on Omegas’ shoulders at the time._
> 
> _Still is, I guess, even though we’ve come a long way._

Rey sniffed, wiping her cheek on the sleeve of her jacket.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Preach_
> 
> _So you didn’t get it?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No_
> 
> _I moved out to go to college when I was 18. Coruscant was a big city, so blockers were more widespread. I started taking them and the rest is history._
> 
> _I could feel comfortable in my skin again, you know? As far as designation goes, at least_
> 
> _Some bridges I’d just burned beyond repair, though_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _With your parents?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That’s a tricky one_
> 
> _I mean, we’re on speaking terms_
> 
> _I understand them, in hindsight. They didn’t know any better. They did the best they could with a delicate situation they didn’t really understand._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Understanding isn’t forgiving, though, is it?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _God, how do you do that?_
> 
> _Sometimes I think my brain made you up just to help me deal with this shit._

 

Rey chuckled, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as her legs dangled over the edge of the table.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I feel exactly the same._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Of course you do, you’re a product of my imagination_

 

She couldn’t hold back the childish giggle that bubbled out of her chest, smiling dreamily down at her phone.

****

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Are you even old enough to remember DNT?_

Her smile faltered slowly, and she licked her lips, trying to fight the dryness in her mouth.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I’m 26, so I experienced the last few years of it._
> 
> _A friend of mine almost did it_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Was she an Omega?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, she presented when we were 16._
> 
> _She was in foster care, so it was really hard, you know? Alpha boys living in the same house._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That’s criminal_
> 
> _Just criminal_
> 
> _Does that shit still exist?_

She smiled sadly, swallowing around the lump in her throat.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _It did back then. Bet it still does._
> 
> _Anyway, she didn’t have parents, obviously, so she couldn’t do it through official channels._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Didn’t she have some type of guardian?_

The thought of Plutt invaded Rey’s mind, and she actually laughed humorlessly.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No, just this horrible, grimy guy who used the kids as cheap manpower._
> 
> _That’s Jakku for you._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Shit_
> 
> _You’re from Jakku?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287_ **
> 
> _Yeah, hence the username_
> 
> _I’m punny like that_
> 
> _Anyway, there was another girl in the orphanage who’d undergone DNT in one of the clandestine clinics, you know? The shady ones I suspect were kept by the government so they could use poor people as guinea pigs._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You think so too?_
> 
> _It was so shady, wasn’t it?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287_ **
> 
> _Doing it for dirt cheap on ‘volunteers’ who were allowed to stay anonymous? Hell yeah._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Terrifying._
> 
> _She didn’t do it, then? Did something go wrong?_

Rey stared at the phone for a long moment, chewing on the insides of her cheeks.

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No, something went right._
> 
> _She got adopted. By a super nice family, too, who had the means to pay for good suppressants._
> 
> _She wasn’t in danger anymore, so she got to choose not to do it._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That’s amazing_
> 
> _How’s she doing now?_

Her eyes roamed around the room. They lingered on Toby, the tortoise, his shell almost fully healed; on the big water tank where four seahorses swam happily, almost ready to be reintroduced into the ocean; on the coop where Sandy, the seagull, had made a full recovery from her broken wing before flying away from her hands on the beach. They finally landed on the baby porgs cozied up against the fluffy white towel, warmed up by the water bag, their heads tucked under their wings, dreaming happy dreams. She was grinning by the time her eyes finally wandered back to her phone.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Last time I checked, she was doing amazing._
> 
> _She became an activist_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That’s incredible_
> 
> _I’m glad she didn’t have to do it_
> 
> _I mean, after everything that happened._
> 
> _Shit must have hit the fan, what? Three years after she presented?_

Rey clenched her teeth, her knuckles going white around the edges of her phone.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, something like that_

_*_

_She hated this shift with a passion. Hate it, hate it, hate it, she chanted in her head, polishing a glass aggressively, as if it had personally offended her. She tried to focus on how much she needed the extra shift, on how she wouldn’t be able to pay rent that month or buy her textbooks the following semester if she hadn’t taken it, but no amount of pep talk was enough to make the afternoon shift at the bar any more tolerable._

_Who went to a dive bar at three o’clock, anyway? Only obnoxious people, like the dude currently sitting on the counter, snapping his fingers at her._

_“Oi, missy! Another one!”_

_She turned around, putting the glass down and doing her best to plaster a smile on her face._

_“Of course,” she said, pouring him another double vodka. Cheap, cheap double vodka._

_It smelt like rubbing alcohol._

_“Thassit,” he mumbled, and she smiled again, moving quickly back to her glasses. She managed to clean a couple before the obnoxious sound of fingers snapping filled her ears again._

_“Oi, missy!”_

_“Yeah?” she sighed, turning around without even trying to smile. He didn’t seem like he was going to notice, anyway._

_“Could you turn it up? That news anchor’s hot,” he slurred, pointing at the TV she’d put on mute. She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose before grabbing the remote._

_“Sure,” she murmured, turning up the volume and turning her attention back to the scrubbing._

_“ – that not everyone did it through the proper channels. Does the government have any kind of record of the people who underwent the therapy extra officially, Mr. Secretary?”_

_Rey’s hands went still by pure instinct, her heart climbing its way up her throat._

_“I’m afraid not, Susan, and that’s why we need people to understand the risks. These clandestine clinics targeted mainly underage citizens in fragile conditions. Those people are still young now, even the ones who got neutralized when DNT was first introduced. They have to understand that they’re risking cutting their life short. They have to understand the importance of presenting voluntarily.”_

_“Can you confirm the figures that the Department of Health and Social Care disclosed yesterday?”_

_“Unfortunately, they’re accurate. Our monitoring has shown a 60% increase in the chances of sudden cardiac arrest among young neutralized Omegas currently living as Betas. I’ll repeat that: 60%. We’re also looking into the correlation between DNT and premature kidney failure, and the data’s frankly alarming.”_

_“Does the government know the causes of these side effects?”_

_“We’re not sure yet, but what we do know for certain is that the risk is real.”_

_“And the people who got their designations neutralized through these clandestine clinics, will they be offered Reversion Therapy just like the rest of the neutralized population?”_

_“Absolutely, Susan. Absolutely! All they have to do is find the nearest clinic – official clinic, of course – and present as neutralized. I cannot stress this enough: there will be no punishment for these people. Absolutely none. We’ll just add them to the official database and provide adequate treatment to revert neutralization.”_

_“And how exactly does Reversion Therapy work, Mr. Secretary? Is there any pain, any discomfort?”_

_“No pain, only mild discomfort. The symptoms are very similar to those of DNT: mild nausea, temporary loss of appetite, dizzy spells. Some people report insomnia, but that’s…”_

_The rest of the sentence was inaudible over the sound of a large glass crashing against the grimy hardwood floor._

_*_

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _What matters is she’s safe now_
> 
> _And happy_
> 
> _Right?_

 

Rey breathed deeply, trying to steady her heartbeat. Blinking fast, she looked away from the phone again, and her eyes were involuntarily drawn to the acrylic box. Inside the nest, one of the porgs had woken up and was now picking at the towel with its tiny beak, adding bits of white fluff to their nest. She smiled despite the knot in her stomach, looking back at the screen.

  

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, she’s happy._
> 
> _How was your day, by the way?_
> 
> _How did it go with The Girl_ ™ _?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Wanna talk about teeth extractions?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Damn_
> 
> _That bad?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Worse_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I’m really sorry_
> 
> _I still don’t understand how she thinks you’re an asshole_
> 
> _Are you really that bad at PR?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Worse_
> 
> _But I don’t think she’d be as magnificent as she is if she didn’t think I’m an asshole_
> 
> _Because she’d have to be considerably less intelligent than she is to think otherwise, and she’s fucking bright_
> 
> _Which is what makes her magnificent_
> 
> _So..._

 

She sucked her lower lip into her mouth and shook her head, something foreign twisting in her chest.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _lol, ‘magnificent’_
> 
> _God, you’re not a U2 fan, are you?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You’re just going out of your way to be offensive at this point_

She laughed out loud at that, causing Toby to turn his head slowly to face her.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _You need to stop doing that, btw_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Doing what?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Putting yourself down_
> 
> _You’re a great guy_
> 
> _And I mean that_
> 
> _You totally saved my day today. And yesterday._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You saved mine, too_
> 
> _And I still think my brain invented you_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Or maybe mine invented you_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Or maybe some higher force invented both of us to keep each other from losing our proverbial shit._

Rey smiled wide and scrunched up her nose, tilting her head.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Anything seems likely at this point._

 

 “Hey, Rey?”

She jumped down from the table, startled by the sound of Rose’s voice.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“Yeah. What were you smiling at?”

Rose crossed her arms over her chest, cocking an eyebrow as she leaned against the doorframe.

“Kittens,” she shot without blinking, and Rose smiled, rolling her eyes.

“Why did I even ask? Hey, could you take a look at the report real quick? Poe and Finn just sent over some of the data they’re collecting, but I’m not sure how to present it, you know?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Rey shoved the phone in the back pocket of her jeans, following Rose to the office area.

“Of course,” she repeated, squeezing the phone through the thick fabric one more time before finally letting go of it.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, can we have a heart to heart? 
> 
> *pulls chair*
> 
> How has your experience with this fic been so far? Are you enjoying yourself? I know this story/tone is probably not what most people *want* when they read ABO, but I wanted to put my own spin on the trope - something that felt more true to how I see Ben and Rey as characters -, which has been making me very insecure lately. I almost feel like maybe my style doesn't fit ABO? Is that just my mind torturing me? Is anything bothering you/spoiling your reading experience? Let me know!
> 
> Love your faces <3
> 
> PS.: Come say hi on Twitter! I'll keep you guys posted on updates over there from now on. It's twitter.com/HeartSabers


	6. To the seafloor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's Friiiday, Friiiday, gotta get down on Fridaaaay!
> 
> Sorry, I'm old. 
> 
> As usual, Anisky's beta-ing is the only reason this chapter doesn't suck as much as it was destined to suck, so can we please give her a collective hug? Good, thanks. She's the best <3

 

 

Rey was curled up in the office chair, knees tucked against her chest, her phone cradled between her torso and her thighs. The white light illuminated her face from below as she laughed, resting her head on the back of the chair. 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No fucking way._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Scout’s honor!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Were you even a scout?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Hell, no._

 

She cackled again, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _You suck._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That’s brand new information !_
> 
> _Seriously, though, that’s my story._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _How does a seven year old not know turkeys are living beings?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I’d never seen one! I thought they just appeared in the supermarket pre-frozen or something._

 

She shook her head as she chewed on her bottom lip, trying to bite back the huge grin on her face.

****

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Ok, so your dad broke the news on Thanksgiving?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, they were showing the turkey pardon on TV_
> 
> _And I asked him the name of that bird_
> 
> _He said it was a turkey_
> 
> _So I asked him why it was different from the one my mom was roasting_
> 
> _And he said “’cause that one’s alive, the one mom’s cooking is dead”_
> 
> _Stg, never cried so much in my life._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Omg please stop._
> 
> _I can’t stop laughing, I’m going to choke and asphyxiate and die._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Like the turkey._
> 
> _C’mon, isn’t that how everyone goes vegan? Debilitating childhood trauma?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _That might be the cutest, most disturbing story I’ve ever heard._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You should’ve seen me bawling when my dad picked me up and explained that all meat comes from living animals._
> 
> _I literally ate cherry tomatoes for dinner. Sobbing._

A humiliating sound escaped her throat, something that hung between a snort and an “awn”. As she covered her mouth to muffle it, she’d never felt so relieved to be alone in the office.  

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _And they just let you?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, I mean, what could they do? I’d start sobbing every time I saw a fucking buffalo wing._
> 
> _Fun fact: I thought they came from actual buffalos. And, as I’d never seen a winged buffalo, I just assumed they cut off their wings while they were still alive and deep fried them._
> 
> _Anyway, never ate meat again after that day._
> 
> _Kept having eggs and dairy for a while, though. I didn’t go full vegan until I was, like._
> 
> _13? Maybe 14._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _God, you’re going to get me fired_
> 
> _I’m supposed to be working on a report_

Her eyes darted towards the computer screen in front of her, where the cursor blinked at the end of a paragraph she had to rewrite because Poe had deemed it “way too technical.” She huffed, looking back at her phone when it buzzed.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You’re at work?_
> 
> _God, maybe you deserve to be fired._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Go eat shit._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No, seriously._
> 
> _You suck. Does your boss know?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _That I suck? Definitely, tells me that I do all the time._
> 
> _And what are YOU doing, Mr. Employee of the Month?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Not working, FYI._
> 
> _I’m actually sitting in my car trying to muster up the courage  to do something._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Does it have to do with The Girl_ ™ _?_

He typed the message and erased it a few times before her phone finally buzzed.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Not directly._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Wait a second, you’re talking to me in your car._
> 
> _Did you download the app on your phone?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
> _So I could talk to you._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _You downloaded Alpha Business??_
> 
> _Damn…_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Are you app shaming me?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _You bet your ass I am_
> 
> _It’s ALPHA BUSINESS_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Like you’re any better, using Alpha Business on your work computer?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Actually using it on my phone._
> 
> _Totally downloaded the app to talk to you._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Fucking prick_

She huffed out a laugh as she stretched towards the ceiling, looking remarkably similar to a cat waking up from a nap. Bebe _might_ actually be taking a nap in the sun back at home that very moment, she thought. On the street outside the window of the Resistance headquarters, a symphony of birds indicated spring had finally settled in. A chilly breeze was still blowing, though, making newborn leaves rustle against the blue sky. Rey looked out the window and smiled.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Well, whatever it is you need all that courage for, I’m sure it’s going to be fine._
> 
> _I have this personal rule that nothing can go wrong in the spring._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _And when they do go wrong?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I pretend they didn’t._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Solid plan._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _It’s worked so far._

And it had, hadn’t it? Three days – it had been three glorious days since she finally figured Solo out, and she couldn’t be happier. His smell would come to her, of course. Intrusive and persistent, in the worst possible moments, it would envelop her mind like the ghost of old memories you just can’t seem to let go of, no matter how haunting they might be. Exorcising it was easy now, though. She’d just have to remind herself of what he’d done – of what he was doing to deliberately provoke that reaction – and the anger was usually enough to push it out of her system. At least, that’s what she told herself.

She did have three sleepless nights, of course, but that didn’t mean anything. Stress, of course. It had to do with stress. It definitely didn’t mean anything that she hadn’t really suffered from insomnia since…

 _No_. It was springtime. Everything was good.  She was fine.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _If you haven’t mastered the art of fooling yourself yet, though_
> 
> _I’ll be here afterwards. If you need to talk._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That helps._
> 
> _Thank you, Kira._
> 
> _I’m going in._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Good luck. You’ve got this._

 

And, just like that, he was gone. She looked out the window again, her fingers absentmindedly tracing the edges of her gland. _Silent_. Everything was so silent, inside and out, she couldn’t shake off the feeling that a storm was brewing somewhere. She sighed heavily and slumped back on the chair, turning her attention back to her phone. She wouldn’t have been able to tell how long she’d spent scrolling through their messages before a burst of sound invaded her ears, making her jump.

“What are we smiling at, sunshine?”

She gasped for air, her right hand massaging her chest, and frowned at Poe.

“ _What are you doing here?_ ”

He just smiled, splaying both hands on the desk, and grinned knowingly. Behind him, Finn threw himself on a beanbag, rolling his eyes into his skull.

“Is it Bob? Are we talking to Bob?”

“Who the fuck is _Bob_ , Poe?”

“Bob,” he waved his hands in the air, as if everyone knew _Bob_. “The guy I told you about. Human rights lawyer. Great cook. Cute. Tall.”

“He ain’t tall, babe,” Finn grumbled, massaging his closed eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “He’s your height.”

“Hey,” Poe deadpanned, turning around with his finger pointed at Finn. “Not cool. Anyway,” he beamed, turning back around to face Rey.  “You should go out with Bob.”

“Poe, you need to _stop_ trying to _fix me up_ ,” she hissed, sitting up straight. He leaned closer, unaffected by her feigned hostility, and pulled his best puppy eyes.

“Listen, I know you and Chad didn’t hit it off –“

“His name was _Chad_ , Poe, how was it supposed to –“

“ _But_ ,” he raised a finger, interrupting her. “ _But_ , Bob’s cool. I promise. We went to middle school together.”

“You weren’t even friends in middle school,” Finn grumbled from his beanbag, and Poe turned around to face him with an exaggerated frown.

“ _Trust me_ , I had the worst taste in friends back in middle school.”

“Poe? Poe, sweetie?” Rey cooed sarcastically, snapping her fingers, and Poe turned around to face her. “Read my lips. _Not. Going. Out. With. Bob_.”

He sighed heavily, clutched his chest theatrically and sat down on the desk, crumpling some paperwork in the process. 

“Okay, alright,” he said, raising his hands in defeat. “Can you do me another favor, then?”

She crossed her arms over her chest, raising an eyebrow skeptically.

“See, Reyrey, we – “

“ _You_ , babe. _You_ broke the boat,” Finn stated, throwing his mate a sulky look, and Rey gasped in disbelief.

“ _Again_? Are you serious?”

“Hey,” Poe exclaimed as he sprang to his feet. “I started the engine and it just… _exploded_ – “

“You started the engine like a _Neanderthal_ – “

“It just fell apart because it’s ancient!” he shushed Finn with his hand.

Rey wiped her hands down her face, growling.

“So is the Wing, and you don’t break _that_ every week!”

“It’s been _two months_ since the last… incident. _Two months_. And show the Wing some respect, young lady,” he said dramatically, throwing himself on the beanbag next to Finn.

“Thing is,” he proceeded, running his fingers through his hair, “We’ll need tools to fix it. And someone capable…”

“No,” Rey deadpanned, pretending to resume her work on the report.

“Rey, c’mon! You’re the only one who knows how to fix it, and Han is the only one who has…”

“I’m _not_ asking for Han’s toolbox again. Not after what happened last time.”

“That was an accident!”

“He’ll never lend me his tools again,” she said, doing her best to make her tone sound final. Poe, as expected, ignored her effort and sprang to his feet again.

“He’d never deny you anything, Reyrey! C’mon! Think of the turtles!”

“That’s low,” she mumbled, shaking her head, her eyes glued to the screen.

“Think about Sally, the sea turtle, straying from her family because – “

“Fine!” she yelled, shoving her phone in the back pocket of her jeans angrily. “Fine, but you bring her to me if you find her. _Even if she looks fine_. She can’t be OK.”

“Of course, of course,” Poe said earnestly, nodding and rubbing Rey’s arm as she reached for her cardigan. “Thank you, babe. Seriously.”

“You owe me,” she told him, throwing him a side smile and hugging Finn before opening the door and walking out into the late morning.

Her earlier guess had been right. It _was_ pretty chilly outside, so she threw the blue cardigan over the black tank top she was wearing, hugging herself and rubbing her arms before she swung her leg over her bike and pedaled down the street.

The spring breeze kissed her face, fresh and gentle, and she picked up speed, making her hair float behind her in soft chocolate waves. It brushed the cardigan off her shoulder, revealing the splatter of freckles that was once again beginning to darken against her golden skin.

The sun was back. Everything was alright.

Her lips curled up into a smile and she closed her eyes as the tires glided over a bit of sand the wind had carried to the road, focusing on the sounds and smells of the world around her. A seagull called in the distance, high above the ocean, and she threw her head back, soaking in the sounds of life.

It was spring. Everything was alright.

She was still smiling when she pulled the brakes in front of an imposing brick house. Her bike slid a few feet before coming to a full stop, almost scratching the bumper of a sleek black Prius parked in front of Han’s garage, and she smiled at the unknown car, shaking her head in disbelief. Another weekend project he’d found for them to work on together, she thought, her chest swelling as she walked the old bike to the pristine front lawn and dropped it there, jogging towards the white porch.

She knocked twice, grinning when she peered through the glass and saw Han sitting on the kitchen island assaulting a piece of cheese with a knife.

“Morning,” she sang, closing the door behind her, and he raised his head slowly, wearing a frown she knew to be a repressed smile.

“It’s noon,” he grumbled, stabbing the cheese again, and she smiled widely, tilting her head as she made for the stool right next to him.

“Almost lunchtime, then. Hungry?” she teased, raising an eyebrow as she sat down cross-legged. He huffed again, poking the cheese with a disgusted frown.

“It’s that low fat crap Leia’s making me eat. Bet Bantha shit tastes better.”   

Rey smiled even wider, taking the knife from his hand to slice the cheese properly.

“You should try that herb crusted cashew cheese I’ve been telling you about.”

“Bet Bantha shit tastes better,” he repeated under his breath as he threw a slice inside his mouth, frowning dramatically. “Atrocious.”

“Poor thing.”

“You’re not giving me the cow pus speech again, are you?” he hissed, pointing at her with the knife, and she beamed at him, scrunching up her nose.

“Nah, that’s for special occasions only.”

Han stopped and knitted his brows together, narrowing his eyes as he popped another slice of cheese into his mouth.

“And what’s the special occasion today?”

“What, can’t I pay my favorite a visit?”

She grinned devilishly and reached for a grape, popping it into her mouth.

“I’m not your favorite. Leia is.”

“You’re both my favorite.”

“You can’t have two favorites. That’s not how favorites work,” he grumbled as he stood up with a grunt and walked towards the fridge. “Besides,” he continued, opening the door and bending down to grab a beer. “It’s Tuesday, You don’t visit on Tuesdays. Beer?”

“Thanks, I’m good.”

“Good call. No alcohol. Tastes like piss.” 

His eyes were still narrowed at her when he opened up the bottle and took a swig with a grimace. 

“Don’t you have animals to look after?”

She shrugged, looking down as she reached for her phone and placed it on the marble countertop.

“Nah, slow morning. The animals are doing good. Except for Sally,” she added, tucking her hair behind her ear innocently.

“Who’s Sally?”

“Sally, the sea turtle.”

He sighed heavily, sitting back down on his stool.

“You kids need to stop with the corny names”

“They’re not corny!”

“Yes, they are. Anyway, what’s wrong with Suzy?”

“Sally.”

“Sally.”

“Well,” Rey said carefully, twisting a tendril of hair around her finger. “Remember those turtles we’ve been monitoring? The loggerheads?” 

“Yeah, sure.”

“Sally’s one of the young ones. This one,” she explained, scrolling quickly down the gallery on her phone until she reached the picture she was looking for. It showed her beaming in the ocean with a thumb up, her eyes squinted against the sun, the water around her reflecting light in a million different directions. Her other arm was wrapped around Sally, who had one of her fins up in the air. They’d just microchipped her.

“Yeah I remember that. Looking happy there, kid,” Han muttered fondly, shooting her a crooked smile and ruffling her hair. “She sick?”

“We don’t know,” Rey admitted, shoving the phone back in her pocket. “Her swimming patterns have been a little off, so Finn and Poe are tracking her, trying to find out if anything’s wrong. I’d have to examine her to be sure.”

Han nodded solemnly, taking another sip of his beer. “Let me guess, that airhead Dameron can’t find her.”

“Well,” she drawled, popping another grape into her mouth to avoid eye contact. “He actually kinda...”

She moved her hands randomly, trying to find the right words, and shrugged apologetically when she finally said it.

“Broke the boat.”

“ _Again_?” Han exclaimed, smashing the knife down on the counter, his eyebrows high up on his forehead.

“Well, it _is_ an old boat…”

“I’m old too, and I don’t go breaking every week!”

“In his defense, he broke it _two months ago_ , so…”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Han chanted, shaking his head and his forefinger negatively for emphasis. “No. No way.”

“Han, c’mon, I won’t let him touch them this time!”

He stood up slowly, shaking his head dramatically as he licked some cheese off his thumb.

“ _He threw my toolbox in the fucking ocean_ –”

“It was an accident!”

“ – a good fucking toolbox, at that – “

“Han, I managed to save _most_ of it – “

“ – and now you come here like a.. a… _a wolf in sheep’s clothing_ – “

“Haaaaan!” she whined, clasping her hands over her chest. “Please, please, pleeease?”

“No!” he cried as he grabbed his beer and moved towards the living room, seeming determined to ignore her.

Rey followed him, stealing a handful of grapes on the way.

“I’ll get you those peanuts Leia doesn’t let you eat.”

Han raised an eyebrow at her, plopping down on the couch as he took a swig of his beer.

“The salted ones.”

“No,” he repeated, crossing his legs and grabbing the remote.  

“Han, c’mon, you can’t just… Where did _that_ come from?” she asked, pointing at the wall, Sally, the sea turtle momentarily forgotten.

The new painting on the wall caught her eye partially because she’d never seen it before, partially because the mere sight of it took her breath away.

It wasn’t a painting per se, though, but rather a drawing – plain graphite on white paper, a symphony of clean lines and long, delicate, fluid strokes. Come to think of it, it didn’t even look like an ordinary drawing. It looked like an architectural design.

It might be a house in the woods, she thought. Hard to tell, when the walls looked like they were made out of the forest itself – when it was so hard to tell glass windows apart from the sun peering through the canopy of leaves all around them. It felt as if the forest had taken a deep breath and exhaled the structure, as if the building were dancing around the trees in a seamless, gloriously chaotic ballet. It flowed like a river of tree bark, dry branches and glass that embraced the forest, tender and passionate, to form walls and stairs and balconies and –

“What?”

Rey blinked, and it took her a moment to realize Han was talking to her.

“This,” she pointed at the drawing again, her mouth feeling oddly dry. “It wasn’t here before.”

“Oh, no,” Han shook his head, and she could have sworn she saw a smile dancing in his eyes when he said: “That’s Ben’s.”

“Ben’s?” she repeated, narrowing her eyes in confusion.

Something he’d bought, for sure. He seemed to have the money for it: marking his territory by buying someone else’s work and using it as décor. So self-centered – so _Alpha_. So, so fitting.

“Yeah, I think it’s the only piece of his work we actually own.”

He shrugged and picked at the label of his beer, trying a little too hard to look nonchalant.

“It was the last thing he drew before he left for college, I think. Leia loved it, so he said she could have it. He’ll be pissed when he sees she hung it there.”

His throaty chuckle was full of affection, and it pierced right through Rey’s confusion, tugging at her heart

“We  thought maybe… well, she hung it there now that he… you know?” he mumbled, shrugging casually again before taking a long sip of his beer.

Rey’s ears were ringing oddly when she turned back to the sketch, her eyes skimming over it in disbelief. The lines sang to her, filling her ears with a lullaby that spoke of peace, balance and serenity, and, right then and there, she _knew_ he hadn’t drawn it. No. This was the work of empathetic eyes, scrupulous hands and a deeply sensitive, kind soul.  He must be lying to his parents. It was the only plausible explanation. The conclusion poked at her anger, rekindling it, and she nodded mostly to herself.

It was weird, though, how she now felt like she’d seen this drawing before – like something unnervingly familiar oozed out of it, causing a dull, throbbing pain to bloom in her chest. Almost like it… almost like it _smelled_ like him. Yes, she could feel it now, faint but certainly there: a trace of his scent lingering around her. Around the frame. Maybe on the walls. Maybe in the structure of the house itself.

 “It makes Leia happy,” Han concluded, throwing Rey a half smile when she turned around to face him, her face probably way too transparent for her own good. She cleared her throat, trying to focus on her mission.

“Where is she, by the way? Leia?”

“Oh, upstairs with Ben.” 

“What?”

The word fell from Rey’s lips faster than she could process it, coming out a little too harsh.

“Upstairs with Ben,” Han repeated, smiling openly now. “He swung by to look for something. Or to pick something up, not sure. You two have  met, right? Heard you whooped his ass.”

He chuckled, raising the bottle in the air as if proposing a toast.

“Nice, kid.”

Her eyes darted instinctively towards the front door, landing on the bike on the lawn, her task completely forgotten. There was still time. She could avoid this. She could –

“Rey?” Leia’s voice resounded from behind her, and Rey turned around quickly, like a deer caught in the headlights.    

“Is this my lucky day? I should have played the lotto!”

Leia made her way down the stairs as she spoke, her arms wide open, smiling brightly. Rey didn’t get the full vision, though. The eyes of the man on the landing caught hers, and, as she was slowly finding out, trying to look away was a lot like trying to swim against a violent tide. He clenched his jaw, working his lips around _that_ emotion, and she caught a glimpse of him tucking some kind of leather pouch inside his blazer before Leia embraced her, breaking the weird electricity that seemed to connect their eyes.

“What are you doing here, honey? It’s Tuesday!”

She cupped Rey’s cheeks, smiling fondly before turning her head towards Han.

“Did you two change Falcon day?”

“Nope,” Han said dramatically, grabbing the newspaper he’d been partly seated on and unfolding it as he rested his feet on the mahogany coffee table. “Kid came over to try and scam me.”

“No I didn’t!” Rey protested, looking at Leia. “I just needed a favor. It’s not even for me!”

“It’s for _Dameron,”_ Han said, raising his brows. “Who broke their boat. _Again_. And now needs _my_ tools,” he raised his tone, throwing his hands in the air and spilling some beer in the process. “ _Again_.”

“And you’re acting like a manchild because…” Leia asked, letting go of Rey to cross her arms over her chest.

Han opened his mouth indignantly, frowning as he threw the newspaper on the coffee table.

“Don’t you remember what happened last time?”

Leia waved her hand dismissively, sighing.

“I remember Rey jumping in the ocean fully clothed in the dead of winter to retrieve your _precious tools_. Caught a cold, the poor thing,”

She turned her torso in Rey’s direction, patting her cheek in a motherly way before turning back around to face Han.

“So you can spare everyone’s time, since we all know you’ll end up giving her whatever she wants anyway, and just _lend her the_ _tools,_ you old grump!”

“Hey,” Han cried, pointing a finger at his wife in protest. “Who’s old?”

Leia just rolled her eyes, turned around and took Rey’s hand between hers with a kind smile.

“You know where they are, right, sweetie?” she whispered, leaning in with a wink. “Just go and grab them.”

“Hey,” Han cried again, springing to his feet. “Son, do you mind helping me out here, please?”    

In the heat of the argument, Rey hadn’t realized Solo had walked down the stairs and was now making his way around the living room, apparently to avoid walking past her.

 _Good for him_ , she thought, unconsciously squeezing Leia’s hands.

“Sorry, Dad. Not my fight,” he said as he held up his hands and backed away. His voice seeped underneath Rey’s skin, making her bones itch.

She looked at his arm as he fixed his jacket, focusing on the bruise she’d see there if his skin were uncovered, and tried to focus on the anger it stirred in her core.

“Oh, yes, you pick your fights very wisely, don’t you?”

The firmness in her voice sounded foreign to her ears when she said the words, sliding her shaking hands out of Leia’s grasp, and crossed her arms over her chest.

A beat of silence followed, filled only by their eyes locking again, the electricity crackling and unstable.

“Is everything I say offensive to you?” he asked in a tone that resembled genuine curiosity, his fists clenching and unclenching next to his body as he pressed his lips together.

_Long breaths through the mouth. Don’t focus on his lips. Good._

“Vast majority of it, yeah,” she retorted with a petulant nod, clenching her jaw and straightening her spine. In her peripheral vision, she could see Han and Leia exchange a meaningful look, but she couldn’t tell what their faces looked like. She couldn’t tear her eyes away from his as he stalked closer, his shoulders slightly hunched.

“You’re tilting at windmills. You do know that, right?” he murmured, narrowing his eyes as he crossed his arms over his own chest, his muscles stretching the expensive looking fabric of his blazer.

“I might be. And I may well lose the fight,” she hissed, stepping closer without realizing she’d done so. She could feel the heat rolling off his body in waves, dense and comfortably numbing. _Infuriating._ “But I’d rather lose a thousand battles on _this_ side than win _one_ battle on _yours_." 

His eyes were unreadable when they skimmed her face, flickering to her neck for a split second before piercing her eyes again.

“You could learn a thing or two about pragmatism.”

There was no trace of anger in his voice, only a hint of resignation that, for some reason or another, made her blood boil. The heat spread to her limbs, making her clench her fists. 

“And you could learn a thing or two about basic human decency, you… you…”

She let her eyes roam his face, knuckles going white as her brain worked frantically to find an insult that would properly convey her anger.  

“You _murderous snake_.”

“Murderous?”

He narrowed his eyes ever so slightly as he said it, his deep voice once again humming with something genuine and honest that only intensified her anger.

“Yeah, _murderous_.  You know what will happen to the porgs if that monstrosity’s built, _you grew up here_.”

Her voice raised an octave when she said the last words, pointing at Han and Leia to stress the message. When she looked at them for back-up, she found both sitting on the couch sporting twin looks of amusement, Leia holding her closed fist over her mouth as if she were trying hard not to laugh. It couldn’t be, though, because Leia would _never_ laugh at something as serious as the cold blooded murder of sentient beings, so Rey just ignored the obvious mirage caused by her anger, snapping her head back towards the man in front of her.

“You grew up here, goddamnit! Raised by _those people_! How could you possibly hate porgs? Did one steal your fucking ice cream cone when you were a kid or something?”

“So you just assume I have a personal vendetta against porgs based on…. Me doing my _job_? Doesn’t it hurt, reaching that far?”

There was a hint of exasperation in his voice now, and Rey held onto it to fuel the rage inside her, her feet dragging her even closer to him of their own accord. She had to crane her neck to meet his eyes now, trying to ignore the warmth that embraced her as she drew closer. That energy field that seemed to envelop them hummed louder around her, and fire licked the insides of her abdomen, red and stubborn. It didn’t feel like it was just the anger burning anymore, though. It felt as if the flames were now being fed by something diametrically opposed to it but just as strong; something that fought the rage and caressed it at the same time, inviting it to dance in a violent ballet inside of her.  

The thing about fire is that it can easily burn out of your control.

 “Oh, no personal vendetta against porgs, then? You’re just a monster, killing them for the sake of it?”

He flinched almost imperceptibly, something dark crossing his hazel eyes, and his voice was hoarse when he spoke again, bitter sarcasm oozing out of each word.

“Yes, Sanders, you know what? You’re absolutely right. You’ve got it all figured out.”

He stepped an inch closer, and, for a second, as he parted his lips, she wondered if he was burning, too.   

“I _am_ a monster. You know how I like porgs? Medium rare. Some roasted potatoes. A side of cranberry sauce.”

Her mouth fell open in indignation and, even through the curtain of flames and smoke, she could see Han openly snort to her right. Leia seemed to elbow him on the ribs, her hand still over her mouth, and Rey shook her head, unable to look at them and ask _what the hell was so funny_. 

“You _are_ a monster.”

When he answered, she could feel each word crawling down her skin, raising gooseflesh along the way

“If you say so. Who could possibly know me better than you do?”

She raised her chin defiantly, took a deep breath through her mouth and squared her shoulders.

“I know everything I need to know about you.”

“You do?”

He moved a hairbreadth closer, and every brain cell that hadn’t been consumed by the flames told her to _move, step back, run away, don’t look back._ Her muscles screamed the opposite, refusing to move, reveling in the crackling energy that threatened to consume her.

 “Ah, you do.”

It was the weirdest thing, the way the words didn’t seem to hit her in the form of soundwaves at all. Rationally, she knew there was sound, of course. He’d opened his mouth and moved his lips – she’d been unintentionally staring at them, so she’d know. It was like the words never hit her ears, though, but her gut. Her lungs. Maybe her heart. They seeped into her flesh, finding refuge somewhere dark and unnamed, and, as they did, the memory of his scent hit her in full force.

It was probably a conjunction of factors that caused it, because she was sure she hadn’t breathed through her nose. It was like his proximity, his voice, the intensity of his stare, _the heat_ – everything combined to rekindle the memory in her brain, and it hit her like a brick wall, as if she had buried her nose in the crook of his neck and breathed him in.

A mirage of some sort. A delirium, most definitely.

Was it a delirium too, this feeling that the world was spinning both too fast and incredibly slowly, all at the same time? That the floor had become unstable beneath her, as if  hardwood had been replaced by Jell-O? It felt so real, though.

“Sanders?”

His deep voice hit her again, and his caramel eyes were the only thing in focus as the rest of the world dissolved in a blur of colors.

“Sanders, what’s wrong?”

 _Loud._ Everything was so loud, inside and out. The entire world wheezed as it spun, and she’d cover her ears if she could move her arms. She couldn’t, though, because her body didn’t feel like it was hers anymore.

 _Heavy_. Her limbs felt so heavy, but her head felt so light, spinning along with the world. How could that be?

“Rey?”

Her name falling from his lips was the last thing she heard, and a vivid, shiny blur of caramel was the last thing she saw before everything went dark. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so...  
> I have no words to thank you guys for all the generous, kind, thoughtful comments you wrote least week. I honestly feel like I don't deserve you. You have no idea how incredibly encouraging and uplifting your words were, so thank you, very, very much. Don't worry, I won't delete anything and I'll keep posting every single week! I promise!
> 
> By the way, many of you told me you can't wait to see them finding out they're actually Kylo and Kira, and it made me wonder.... How do you envision it happening? Who finds out first? How do they find out?  
> That was actually one of the first chapters I wrote (the one with the reveal), and it's one of the scenes I'm the most excited to share with you, so I thought it might be fun to read your theories!
> 
> Thank you for reading, it means the world to me. Love your faces <3


	7. Fire and embers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Anisky, for being the best beta in the entire world and putting up with my inability to english <3

 

 

 _Light_. Her body felt so light as she tipped forward, plunging face-first into the abyss in front of her. She wouldn’t have been able to tell where she was or how long she’d been there, because, all around her, there was nothing in sight but darkness. The free fall wasn’t uncomfortable, though, and she was soon convinced that this abyss must be bottomless, as she seemed to have been diving towards the ground for ages without ever hitting it.

And then she hit something.

At first she thought it must have been the ground, or maybe the stone wall of the abyss itself, but it felt so soft and warm against her skin.

Was it a cloud? No, impossible. It was way too dense to be a cloud; way too firm, and she didn’t fall straight through it, as she would have had it been just water vapor.

Maybe a stone wall wrapped in clouds?

It could be, for all she knew. She couldn’t see a thing, anyway.

She hit the _thing_ , whatever it was, with her face first, and then it wrapped itself around her, finally stopping her fall. It felt warm and gentle around her waist as it encircled it, pulling her closer and encapsulating her limp body.

 _Cotton_. Maybe it was cotton. A cotton mountain?

A mattress. Probably a moving, fluid mattress with the ability to wrap itself around falling people.

It was definitely fluid, because it moved again when it slid behind her upper back and her knees, lifting her body into a lying position. Yes, it was certainly a mattress, she thought lazily, reveling in the warmth and softness beneath her, hypnotized by the slight movement that lulled her, making it seem like the thing was actually breathing, too.

She turned her head to the side and nuzzled the supple, intriguing material, and, for an endless second that seemed to be suspended in time, she wondered if she’d died.

She _might_ have, because the scent this thing exuded was unlike anything you could find on Earth. It could only exist in this magical realm where there was no time, no space, no doubt, no concern. There was only certainty – this all-encompassing, overpowering certainty that this was _right_ , that this is where she was meant to fall all along.  

This had to be what heaven smelled like.

 She breathed it in once, twice, three times in long, deep breaths she wished would never end, and each lungful of air felt like a hallowed balm streaming into her body, soothing every cell and igniting every nerve ending at the same time.

It was curious, how she could see the smell more than she could scent it. In the darkness, it flashed before her eyes in short, crystal clear images she couldn’t make sense of, but that elicited an almost sinful sense of peace inside of her.

A tiny, violently green cactus sitting in a tiny brown vase on the concrete windowsill of an orphanage dormitory. The first  thing whose life had ever depended on her.

A slow wave laying a crystal veil of sea water over a rugged rock. The thrill of waiting for the veil to cover her toes.

Fat raindrops banging against the window, drawing maps of faraway lands on the cold glass. The soothing, deafening symphony they splashed into the classroom along with the smell of damp grass.

Life. Balance. Peace.

“Lay her down on the couch, for fuck’s sake!”

Voices. There were voices in the distance, faint and barely discernible, that reached her ears in waves, fragmented, disconnected.

 Were there other people here?

“…… on Thursday I thought….”

“……. how can nobody know….”

“…….Rey, honey, can you…..”

“Can somebody just _call them_ and say…”

“ _Just lay her down_!” 

In the cacophony of disjointed sounds, another voice resounded, closer and clearer, seeming to reverberate from the depths of the abyss itself.

“Rey? _Rey_.”

It strummed every single muscle fiber she possessed, making her body relax and melt even further into the softness that was wrapped around her. The _thing_ seemed to tighten its embrace in response, and she nuzzled against it again, breathing deeply, perfectly happy to stay in this limbo for as long as time itself lasted in this weird realm.

The voices kept going in the background, sputtering words she couldn’t understand, and she didn’t make an effort to. What was there to understand, when everything was so _clear_ , when what she was meant to do lay before her in the darkness, shining as bright as a summer day? She was meant to stay. She was born to be here, wrapped in whatever this was, melting into it until they became one.

She’d never felt so light, so free, so gloriously full of purpose as she felt then and there.

 She was _happy_.

Until she wasn’t anymore.

Because the _thing_ – her _thing_ – started to slip away, sliding her back into the cold, bottomless abyss, and _how could it_ , when it had convinced her that it was her destiny? It couldn’t be doing it on purpose; it couldn’t be going away of its own free will. It couldn’t be leaving her alone without experiencing the same sharp, excruciating pain that cut through her chest at the thought of being alone again. 

She tried to scream, to thrash about, to hold onto it, but her body felt so _heavy_ again, as if her limbs had turned into lead. The pain intensified and condensed as she struggled, her panic draining fire from her limbs and gathering it in a burning nub on her neck.

The pain didn’t matter as much as the absence of her thing, though. If anything, she knew the agony would go away as soon as it was wrapped around her again, so she fought through the darkness, blinded, trying feverishly to reach upwards, to grab it, seize it and never let it go.

When it happened, it all happened at the same time. She heard the long, pained whimper escape her throat just as light blinded her. Her arms flew forward, her trembling fingers closing around something solid and soft and warm and _yes_ –

When she opened her eyes, she was gazing into Ben Solo’s, and her chest heaved as she adjusted to the light, her fingers securely wrapped around his upper arm.

Curiously enough, the first thing she noticed was that his eyes looked black, not hazel, and that didn’t seem right. 

He froze in place, leaned over the living room couch he’d just laid her on, his caramel irises completely consumed by his pupils. His lips were trembling, eyes veiled by a thin layer of water as they bore holes into her, fraught and wild, begging for something she couldn’t decipher. Or maybe something she was too afraid to.

When she realized where her hands were, she let go of his arm as if his jacket had physically burned her, falling back on the couch as the world spun around her.

“Rey? Rey, can you hear me? Oh, honey.”

She almost whimpered again when Leia knelt next to the couch, physically separating her from Solo, whose eyes never left her as he took a step back. It wasn’t because she didn’t want him to go, she told herself, but because of the seething pain on her neck.

There was no way her gland wasn’t visible, she though, warm tears trailing down her temples. There was no way it wasn’t raised and tender looking, pinkish and raw, screaming at the whole world that she was a liar. A ragged breath escaped her chest as Leia placed a warm hand on her forehead, and Rey did her best to pour her apology into the woman’s eyes in the split second she knew she had before her deceit was exposed.

“What is it, honey? Are you in pain?”

“Leia, I…” she croaked, her throat scratchy and raw.

“Somebody get me a damp washcloth, please. She’s sweating,” Leia snapped over her shoulder before she turned back to caress Rey’s face.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. You passed out. Do you feel any pain? Have you eaten today?”

The tenderness in her voice seeped into Rey’s chest, squeezing her heart painfully, and she felt the stream of tears thicken on her temple, pooling in her hair.

“Here,” she heard Han’s voice say thickly as he handed Leia a fluffy white tea towel. Rey raised her eyes to meet his, and the concern she saw made her look away immediately.

“Honey, have you eaten at all today? Your blood sugar has been all over the place, hasn’t it?”

Leia murmured the words in a motherly tone as she patted the washcloth gently to Rey’s forehead, her cheeks, her temples, moving down towards…

“Oh, Rey.” She smiled softly as she patted her neck. “Remember what we talked about? Oxygen masks on an airplane?”

She moved the washcloth back to Rey’s forehead, folded it and pressed the cool fabric against her warm skin.

“You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of others, sweetheart.”

Rey’s ears rang as she searched Leia’s eyes for realization, confusion, disappointment. She found nothing but worry and tenderness, though, which wasn’t possible, because she’d definitely _seen_ it by now. Her trembling fingers rose slowly to her neck on pure instinct and wrapped around it, her palm pressed against her windpipe. On both sides, her fingers could feel nothing but smooth, even skin.

“Did you hurt your neck, kid? In the fall?”

Han’s voice was brimming with concern when he leaned over Leia, his lips pursed as he looked Rey’s body up and down, apparently searching for visible injuries.

Through a curtain of confusion, all Rey managed to squeeze out was a low murmur.

“A little, I think.”

Han nodded gravely and turned on his heels.

“I’ll get you some ice.”

On their way back to Leia’s face, Rey’s eyes were caught by Solo’s, who was still standing in the same spot, with the same haunted look on his face, his pupils still blown wide, his full lips drained of their usual redness. It was as if something had short circuited his ability to produce unreadable expressions, splattering a procession of transparent feelings across his face.  

Shock. Pain. Confusion. Regret. And right there, clouding everything else, something that looked suspiciously like longing. 

He worked his jaw, pressing his lips together, and, as his eyes glimmered, the pain on her neck went up a notch, her gland now transformed into a traitorous sponge that absorbed his scent and injected it straight into her bloodstream without the assistance of her nose. 

She tore her eyes away quickly, sounding feverish when she turned back to Leia.

“I need to go.”

“Rey, don’t – “

“I have to go!”

She was already standing up when Leia’s hands pushed her back firmly, a final expression in her eyes.

“Rey, _forget about work for one second_ , you need to –

“Leia, you don’t –“

“Poe will be here in a second, we called him and –“

“ _Leia, please!_ ”

The anguished plea that fell from her lips echoed off the walls as tears streamed freely down her cheeks. Sitting up on the couch, she squeezed Leia’s arms, dignity forgotten in the haze of her desperation.

Leia cupped her face as she coaxed her back into a lying position, her eyes kind and understanding.

“You’re disoriented, honey. Lie down, it’s alright, I’m here. It’s alright. Poe’s on his way.”

For the first time in Rey’s life, Leia’s presence didn’t reassure her, didn’t soothe her fears and anxieties, but only strengthened them.

She had to go. All wasn’t lost, but she had to get away from here – _from him_ – before it was too late.

“You don’t understand, I…” she croaked, but Ben Solo’s raspy voice interrupted her before she could finish. It sounded like he hadn’t used it in years.

“I have to go, Mom.”

Leia’s head snapped towards him, Rey’s plea momentarily forgotten.

“Ben, can’t you wait for them to get here?”

He shook his head, clearly avoiding eye contact with Rey.

“Dameron and I in the same room? She doesn’t need any more stress.”

“Well, all you boys have to do to spare her the stress is not bicker like an old couple,” Han said as he walked back into the living room, patting his son on the shoulder before he handed Leia a bag of frozen peas.

Leia pursed her lips disapprovingly, still patting Rey’s forehead with the washcloth.

“We could really use you here, Ben.”

He shook his head again as he backed away, his fists buried in his pockets.

“I really have to go. You…” His voice cracked on the last word, and he clenched his jaw. “You call me, ok?”

Leia nodded silently, her expression slightly shocked as she watched her son turn around and walk out the door.

“Leave him, princess,” Han murmured tenderly, kissing the crown of her head as he squeezed her shoulders. “Baby steps.”

Leia nodded again, blinked a few times and smiled, pressing the frozen peas to the side of Rey’s neck as an engine roared outside.

 

_______________

 

The rest of the day was a blur in Rey’s memory. She remembered Poe, Finn and Rose barging through the door and fussing over her, babbling disconnected words she couldn’t quite recall. She also remembered the drive home with her head on Rose’s lap, her friend’s fingers running through her hair, kind whispers reaching her ears along with the sound of the waves outside the window.

She remembered burying her face in the crook of Finn’s neck, his arms tightly wrapped around her shoulders as he cuddled her on her living room couch. She recalled Poe and Rose’s voices reaching them from the kitchen as they discussed the best meal for her.

Above all, she remembered the deep, bottomless loneliness she felt in her stomach, its intensity oblivious to the crowded state of her living room.

Three – she’d locked herself in the bathroom and swallowed not one, not two, but three bright blue pills as soon as they’d gotten home, a few hours before. When everyone said their goodbyes, the sun was already disappearing into the ocean, but the throbbing, itching heat that had settled inside her gland still hadn’t budged.   

She traced it with her fingers, glistening tears staining her cheeks in the blue hue of the darkening living room. She looked tiny, curled up on the couch in a fetal position, one hand under her head and the other on her neck. Tiny, infinitesimal, but not nearly as small as she felt.

This was it. It didn’t matter that her skin felt soft and even under her fingertips; that she couldn’t detect any swelling or bumpiness; that all the mirrors in her house had confirmed the skin over her gland was still the exact same shade of light gold that covered the rest of her body. It was a matter of time until all of that came crumbling down. Whatever was happening to her seemed to be unstoppable now. It all came down to how much time she had until reversion was complete – because there was no use lying to herself anymore. _Reversion_. That’s what was going on. That’s what _he_ had caused.  

 _Him._ Ever since he’d left his parents’ house, she’d been trying to summon that anger that had allowed her to keep her sanity for the last few days. She couldn’t seem to reel it in, make it break through the thick layer of sadness that surrounded her, though. Or maybe it was his scent that didn’t allow her to rekindle it.

It was _everywhere_. She’d tried to scrape it off in the shower until her skin turned raw and pink; she’d tried to bury it by throwing her clothes in the washing machine; she’d tried to scratch her gland as soon as her friends had left, grimacing into the couch as her nails dragged painfully over it, trying to peel off the epicenter of her misery. To no avail.

It seemed to have become part of her now, to have merged into her flesh in such a way that she didn’t know where she ended and his scent started anymore.

Fighting was all she knew, all she’d ever known.

He’d rendered her fighting useless, though, so she just lay down curled up into herself, infinitely small, painting a dark stain of tears onto the light gray couch.   

Through the darkness, her phone screen lit up, buzzing on the old coffee table. Wiping her cheeks, she reached for it, ready to reassure Rose for the umpteenth time that, _no_ , she didn’t have to sleep over and that she was perfectly capable of feeding herself properly, thank you very much.

It wasn’t Rose’s name that stared back at her as she tapped the notification, though, blinking against the bright light.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Kira_
> 
> _You there?_

She wiped her tears again, rolling onto her back to free her hands.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Heey!_
> 
> _What up?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Not much._
> 
> _Just wanted to talk to you._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Did it end up working out?_
> 
> _The top secret thing you had to do?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Partially._
> 
> _I mean, it didn’t go exactly as planned._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Does anything ever go as planned?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Touché_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Unexpected good or unexpected bad, though?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Think worst case scenario raised to the tenth power._
> 
> _And somehow the best thing that’s ever happened in my life, all at the same time._

Rey shivered, the memory of Solo’s arms around her still clear as day even as the night deepened. She pursed her lips, feeling a fresh tear trickle down her temple.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Ok, vague and confusing._
> 
> _But I kinda know what you mean, I think._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Of course you do._
> 
> _You always do._
> 
> _Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one who does._

 

She smiled a tight, teary smile, cozying up on the couch as Bebe swayed into the living room, jumping onto her belly in absolute silence.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Do you believe in Karma?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Karma?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, I mean._
> 
> _Punishment._
> 
> _Some higher force sending all the shit you’ve ever done back to bite you in the ass._
> 
> _Rubbing your nose_ _in_ _all the perfect things you could have had if you weren’t an asshole._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Thought we had agreed you’d stop putting yourself down._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No, the agreement was kinda one-sided._

She chuckled softly, feeling lighter than she had in hours as Bebe snored, curled up on her stomach.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Well, imposing my views on people happens to be my area of expertise._
> 
> _And I don’t believe in it, by the way._
> 
> _Karma._
> 
> _I do believe life can be a bitch, though._
> 
> _That it can give you everything you’ve ever wanted and then rip it from under your feet in the blink of an eye._
> 
> _Just for the sake of it, apparently._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _It’s kinda different for me._
> 
> _It’s like life’s gathered everything I’ve ever wanted inside a room and locked me out of it._
> 
> _But then it added a big ass window so I can look inside, never allowed to actually go in._

Rey chewed on her bottom lip, almost able to see her friends walking, talking and laughing around her even though they’d been gone for over an hour.

 

> **_Scavenger 287 says:_ **
> 
> _I guess it kinda feels the same, though, doesn’t it?_
> 
> _Like happiness is this big, bustling party you didn’t get invited to._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Exactly._
> 
> _Are you ok, by the way? Sorry, I never asked._

_Are you ok?_ Damn, how many times had she answered that question that day? A dozen, at least. Maybe two. Every single time, she’d had to find it in herself to smile and lie.

For some reason, though, lying to Kylo felt like looking in a mirror and lying to herself, and, at that moment, as that silent agony kept consuming her neck, she decided she was finally past that.

 

> **Scavenger287 says:**
> 
> _Not really_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Do you want to talk about it?_
> 
> _Can I help?_

 

Her eyes wandered to the ceiling and stayed there for a while, the cracking paint blurred behind her tears. She wiped them away before resuming the typing.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I don’t think so._
> 
> _I’ve been having some health issues._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Shit._
> 
> _I’m really sorry to hear that._
> 
> _Is it something recent?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yes and no._
> 
> _I’ve had this condition for a while, but it’s kinda going to shit now._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Are you in treatment?_

The sarcastic laugh that escaped her chest had absolutely no humor in it. On her belly, Bebe stirred in her sleep.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Nope._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You’re seeing a doctor, though, right?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Nooope._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Kira, what the fuck?_
> 
> _What is it? Is it an insurance issue?_
> 
> _Maybe I can help._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger 287 says:_ **
> 
> _No, not an insurance issue._
> 
> _I just can’t see doctors._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Why not?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Because they’d find out._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Find out what?_
> 
> _Sorry, I’m not following. My brain’s lagging._
> 
> _Is it something we’ve already talked about?_

She rubbed her eyes angrily, trying to stop the tears from falling, but they just drenched the sleeve of her old hoodie, leaving dark, wet stains that matched the ones on the couch.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Again, yes and no_
> 
> _Remember when I told you I’m from Jakku?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Sure._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _The truth is I don’t know where I was born._
> 
> _I grew up in Jakku ‘cause my parents kinda… left me there._
> 
> _When I was about five. I don’t really remember them._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You grew up in the system._

It was an assertion, not a question. She pressed the wet sleeve to her mouth, trying to muffle the long, dry sob that crawled up her throat.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I did._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _And you were never adopted._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No._

She shook her head as she typed, the effort of writing the tiny two-letter word suddenly seeming superhuman. It took him two endless minutes to answer, during which she kept her eyes closed, trying to control her breathing as the tears kept flowing. It felt like she could see realization dawn on him through her closed eyelids, even though she didn’t even know his face.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Your friend, the one who got to forgo DNT because she got adopted._
> 
> _She doesn’t exist, does she?_

 

She opened her eyes, sniffing as a long, shuddering breath disrupted Bebe’s sleep, her thumbs trembling over the screen. Even though the messages were in written form, she could almost hear the careful, contained kindness in his tone as she read his words. For some reason, her brain translated his voice as something deep and rich.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _She doesn’t._
> 
> _The other one does, though. The one who had done it and who knew a clinic._
> 
> _She went through with Reversion Therapy when DNT became illegal, though._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _And you didn’t._

Again, it was an assertion, not a question. She shook her head again as if he could actually see her and sucked in a ragged, teary breath.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _God, you must think I’m so stupid._
> 
> _And such a coward._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I don’t._
> 
> _I really, really don’t._

The answers came so quickly she barely had the time to process them.

****

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I think you’re incredibly brave and incredibly strong._
> 
> _And I think you’re brilliant, hilarious, witty, generous, kind and annoying in the best possible way._
> 
> _That’s all who you are, Kira. It’s who you are that makes you phenomenal._
> 
> _It’s who you are that makes you an oasis in the middle of this shit storm I’m going through._
> 
> _What biology once programmed you to be has nothing to do with it._
> 
> _You consciously chose who you wanted to be over what others expected you to be._
> 
> _That’s everything I wish I’d been brave enough to do._

 

By the time the last _ping_ had echoed through the room, an actual smile had settled on her lips. It wasn’t a particularly happy one: it was wet and teary, a little shaky from the raggedness of her breathing, and maybe even a little snotty. It was sincere, though, and that’s more than she could have hoped for. 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _That’s all very kind._
> 
> _And all very untrue._
> 
> _But thanks, anyway. It really, really helped._
> 
> _Telling someone, that is._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No one else knows?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287:_ **
> 
> _No one that’s currently in my life, no._
> 
> _You’re actually the first person I’ve ever told._
> 
> _I’ll get you a badge._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I’ll wear it proudly next to my “asshole extraordinaire” one._

 

Now, the laugh that bubbled out of her chest, teary and pure? _That_ was an unexpected turn of events, given the rest of her day.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Listen, I don’t mean to overstep if you don’t feel like talking about it._
> 
> _So feel free to tell me to go fuck myself._
> 
> _I didn’t really follow the Reversion Therapy campaign, but I remember the stuff they talked about being really scary._
> 
> _Is that what you’re experiencing? Late side effects?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No, not really._
> 
> _I’ve never had any of the symptoms that actually raised all the red flags._
> 
> _Heart, kidneys, liver. You know, the works._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, I remember._

The deep breath Rey drew in was much less shaky this time around.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I think what I’m going through is spontaneous reversion._
> 
> _Because of the guy._

There. There it was, finally out in the world, no longer confined to the most paranoid corners of her brain, repressed and silenced. The next breath she drew in, surprisingly enough, was one of relief.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Holy shit._
> 
> _Because of his enhancers?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287_ ** **_says:_ **
> 
> _Maybe. Probably._
> 
> _The truth is I don’t know._
> 
> _It’s like everything I’ve ever known is crumbling down, and I’m just lost._
> 
> _And scared._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _What are you afraid of?_

Her eyes wandered back to the ceiling as she chewed on her bottom lip, digesting the question she hadn’t dared ask herself.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Of letting people down, I think_
> 
> _Or driving people away._
> 
> _That everyone will be disappointed and just walk away if they find out._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Of being alone, then._

A fresh tear escaped the corner of her eye, but this one wasn’t particularly sad.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I guess, yeah._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Well, as I told you, you’re not alone._
> 
> _And if anyone who has the privilege of actually knowing you in person walks away because of that, they’ve never deserved to know you in the first place._
> 
> _Trust me, it won’t make a difference to anyone who truly loves you._
> 
> _And I honestly can’t see a world in which someone would know you and not fall in love with you._

She was smiling _that_ smile again – the ugly but honest one –  when her phone buzzed between her fingers, indicating she had a notification from another app.

 

 **_Rose:_ ** _Hey babes, how are you doing? You ok?_

 **_Rose:_ ** _Are you sure you don’t want me to go back and stay the night?_

 

Rey’s teary smile widened as she turned to her side again, trapping Bebe between her body and the backrest of the couch, and fluffed the pillow under her head. 

 

 **_Rey:_ ** _Babe, go to sleep, don’t worry about it._

 **_Rey:_ ** _I’m doing a lot better. Pinky swear._

For the second time that day, her answer wasn’t a lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think I'd write a reylo fic and not throw a bridal carry in there, did you? As we say in Brazil, "show some respect for what I've been through!"
> 
> I know this was a pretty boring, sad one, but it was necessary, I swear! Things start to get interesting next week... mwahaha. Oh, and I may post twice next week because I think 8 and 9 kinda go together, so keep an eye out for that! Biiiig reveal's just around the corner...
> 
> Love your faces <3


	8. Siren's call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The soundtrack of this chapter is The Archer, by Taylor Swift. Sorry, I don't make the rules. 
> 
> Thank you, Anisky, for not giving up on betaing the trash I write.

 

 

In all honesty, she’d been expecting Poe’s long, high-pitched whistle all day. That didn’t stop her from rolling her eyes when she actually heard it, though, nor from sighing dramatically as she closed the lid of the baby porgs’ makeshift nesting box and turned around to meet his infuriatingly smug expression.

“Damn, did we finally decide to take a date seriously, Ms. Sanders?”

She huffed and made a point of stomping her strappy sandals on the floor as she walked past him.

“Go fuck yourself,” she said as she moved towards Toby’s crate to make sure he’d eaten his lunch.

She could actually hear the smug smile in his voice as he sat on her examination table and raised his hands defensively.

“Hey, all I’m saying is Bob’s a lucky guy.”

“Can you stop pestering her, hotshot?” Rose’s voice echoed from the office, and Poe crossed his arms over his chest.

“Where’s the fun in that?” he yelled in response, lowering his voice again when he turned back to Rey. “Spaghetti straps, eh? Finally putting those collarbones to good use? I see you, girl.”

Rey huffed again, closed Toby’s crate with more force than strictly needed, and crossed her own arms over the v-neckline of her yellow dress. It hugged her waist snugly and flared out at her hips, the thin, flowy fabric hitting just above her knees. 

“It’s the only dress I own, you fucktwit,” she hissed, her eyes narrowed down to slits.

“That’s not true, you have the periwinkle blue one,” Finn shouted from the same place Rose’s voice had come from, and Rey looked at the office door with betrayal in her eyes.

“That one got stained when Bebe puked all over it and you _know it,”_ she shouted back, trying to ignore Poe’s pleased smile.

“And you wipe that smile off you face,” she said with her finger pointed at him. “I’m only doing this so you’ll _shut the fuck up_ and let me die single and alone like I intend to.”

He flashed her a bright smile, dangling his legs overs the edge of the silver table like a young boy.

“Of course Reyrey, whatever you say. I’m just saying you look gorgeous. Aren’t you late, by the way?”

“Nope,” she said, shaking her head as she washed her hands. “We said 4:30.”

“ _We,_ hm?” he asked with a wiggle of his eyebrows, and she huffed again as she dried her hands on her dress.

“Shut up.”

“Absolutely. You sure you don’t want a ride?”

She shook her head again as she leaned over the table and planted a loud peck on his cheek.

“Nope, I’m biking.”

“In that dress? Isn’t that uncomfortable?”

Rey couldn’t help laughing at his indignant expression when she lifted the hem of her dress, revealing a pair of biking shorts underneath.

“You’re seriously _not even considering_ getting laid?” he demanded, and she smiled a smug smile, trying to mimic his trademark one.

“With one of your little childhood friends? Not a chance in hell.”

Poe wiped a hand down his face dramatically, and she laughed again as she blew him a kiss and walked into the office to grab her purse.

“You sure you’re ok to be biking, peanut?”

When she looked up, Finn and Rose had strikingly similar expressions of disapproval on their faces, seated side by side in front of the computer.

“Guys, it was _low blood sugar_ , and it was over _seventy-two hours ago._ I’m fine, okay? I promise.”

When their expressions didn’t change, she smiled, tilting her head.

“I’ll stuff my face with Maz’s food, ok? Pinky swear.”

When Finn finally looked down, clearly biting the insides of his cheeks to repress a smile, she smiled wider and blew them kisses before she walked out the door.

 _Seventy-two hours,_ she mused as she pedaled towards Maz’s Castle. Seventy-two hours that felt like a lifetime. She still couldn’t believe it, how she’d woken up the day after she’d passed out feeling absolutely nothing on her gland, as if the whole ordeal had been nothing but a bad dream.

Or maybe a good dream, she thought, smiling down at the asphalt as Kylo’s words flashed before her eyes.

_I honestly can’t see a world in which someone would know you and not fall in love with you._

She shook her head and bit back the silly smile that had settled on her lips uninvited.

When she raised her head again, the feeling of the sun kissing her thighs and slowly but surely painting them a darker shade of gold felt even nicer than usual.

Everything felt so _normal_ but so _different_ at the same time that, when she looked at the world around her, it felt like watching it unravel through a stranger’s eyes. The trees that lined Main Street seemed greener as she flew past them, as if a veil had been lifted, showing her things she’d never seen before.

 _He knew it._ Someone else knew her deepest secret now, and, instead of feeling scared or exposed, she felt _light_. It was as if she’d never realized the true weight of the guilt and shame she carried until they were lifted from her shoulders, making the entire world feel brand new.

Well, maybe not entirely lifted, she thought as she wet her lips. But she shared it with someone else now – with someone who truly _understood it_ – and somehow that was enough.

She checked her phone as soon as she parked her bike, telling herself she was just checking the time, but perfectly aware it hadn’t taken her more than five minutes to get to Maz’s. It was the _Alpha Business_ app her finger darted towards as she unlocked the screen, and her stomach sank a little when she saw that the cat meme Kylo sent her two hours before had indeed been his last message.

She sighed and shoved the phone back into her purse as she walked into the restaurant, her stomach fluttering in a way that didn’t really go with her lack of excitement for this date.

“Eggplant bruschetta for Rey,” she heard Maz’s voice yell as soon as she closed the door behind her, and she smiled fondly on her way towards the counter.

“Can I at least look at the menu first?” she teased, raising one eyebrow at the tiny woman who was now yapping orders into the kitchen.

Maz raised her head to meet Rey’s smirk, her eyes narrowed behind her huge glasses.

“Number one,” she said, raising one tiny finger in the air, “you know the menu by heart. I’ll rename this place ‘Han’s Castle’ the day you order anything but eggplant bruschetta, mushroom burgers and chickpea soup. Number two,” she added another finger, shutting Rey up as she was about to open her mouth. “We need to get some food in you. I won’t have you passing out on my watch. Number three,” another finger, her voice slightly softer now. “Go sit down, child, Prince Charming will be here any second now.”

The woman’s glasses slid up her nose as she smiled tenderly, patted Rey’s thigh and flashed her a knowing wink. Rey just smiled back, sighing in defeat as she moved towards one of the booths and took a seat.

She checked her phone as she scooted to the seat closest to the window. _4:25_. He wasn’t late, which meant no passive aggressive messages to Poe just yet. There was nothing stopping her from tapping her fingers impatiently on the table, though, so she did it as she checked the menu, determined to order something new.

She checked her phone a grand total of eight times in the five minutes before the bells chimed above the restaurant’s front door, which finally made her raise her eyes.

The man who walked in was conventionally handsome by any standard. Not necessarily her type – _damn, did she even have a type?_ – but undeniably handsome. His dirty blonde hair was cut short on the sides, but longer bangs fell casually over his eyes as he closed the door behind him. He ran his hands through it, causing his muscles to ripple under his dark gray, slightly-too-tight Henley.

When he looked up, the first thing she noticed was that his face was all perfectly proportionate – the right nose, the right mouth, the right chin, sparkling green eyes that seemed to smile even if he wasn’t truly smiling with the rest of his face. They roamed the tables with a hint of anxiety that anyone in their right mind would find endearing. In the millisecond she had to analyze his appearance, however, for some inexplicable reason, Rey thought he looked all wrong.

That didn’t keep her from smiling and waving at him, though, and he smiled back as he moved towards the booth she’d chosen.

“Hey! Rey, right?” he asked shyly, flashing her a line of perfectly aligned, pearly white teeth as he leaned in to kiss her cheek. His expensive cologne still lingered around her when he smiled again, taking a seat across from her.

It smelled all wrong.

She flipped her hair sideways absentmindedly, causing it to drape over her left shoulder in shiny, loose waves. 

“So, you’re _the_ infamous Bob,” she said jokingly, her fingers intertwined on the table.

“Yeah.” He nodded, smiling even wider, if that was physically possible. “I bet Poe’s told you everything about me, though, which will make it a bitch to make small talk.”

She actually let out a genuine chuckle at that before she nodded knowingly.

“We can always talk about Poe.”

“Please, God, no,” he said dramatically as he reached for the menu, and she laughed again, picking at a loose cuticle.

“How about I tell you what he’s told me, and we can work from there?”

God, his smile was virtually perfect – the gold standard of smiles, really. What was it she found lacking about it?

“Shoot. I’ll bet you eighty percent of it is either embellished or made up.”

He chuckled, and it was a perfectly fine chuckle, but somehow it didn’t sound deep enough.

“Ok, well… he told me you’re twenty-six.”

“Correct.”

“And that you’re a vet.”

“Right again.”

“That you graduated _Summa Cum Laude_ from YU.”

“Uppish, but accurate.”

“That you’re an environmentalist, just like him.”

“Better than him, but half a point.”

He chuckled again and brushed his hair back casually, a slight blush creeping up his neck as his eyes met hers. 

“And he told me you were stunning, which is obviously true.”  

She felt heat rise to her cheeks as she looked down and smiled at her fingers.

“Well, if you say so,” she said with an embarrassed shrug before raising her eyes to his face again. “I guess that’s four point five out of five. Impressive for Poe’s standards.”

He laughed wholeheartedly, looking at her eyes as he scratched the faint stubble on his jawline. It looked like he was about to say something, but Rey never learned what it was, because Maz materialized right next to her out of thin air, slamming a wooden board on the table.

“Bon appetit, children,” she chirped, smiling and patting Rey’s thigh before she walked away.

“Yeah, I forgot to tell you we’re being force-fed vegan eggplant bruschetta,” she smiled and shrugged. “Hope that’s okay.”

He returned her smile and shook his head as he put the menu down.

“No, that sounds great. Are you vegan?”

“Yeah,” she confirmed, reaching for a slice.

“See, I didn’t know that,” he said softly, mirroring her gesture. “That’s nice.”

“I take it you’re not?”

He shook his head and hummed as he bit into a particularly large bruschetta.

“No, but I’d go vegan for these,” he said through a mouthful, covering his lips with a napkin. She smiled as he swallowed, wiping his mouth again.

“No, not vegan, but I make a point of having at least three meat-free days a week. Manage my carbon footprint, you know?”

She smiled encouragingly, wiping the corners of her own mouth as she swallowed a bite.

“That’s great. I mean, no one’s _truly_ vegan, if you think about it. There’s just no way,” she shrugged, reaching for a glass of water. “As my friend Rose would say, there’s no such thing as ‘cruelty free’ in a capitalist world.”

He chuckled as he chewed, and, when his green eyes rose to meet hers again, they were smiling brightly.  

“So I avoid any kind of dogmatism, you know? I think as long as people are doing what’s within their reach to minimize animal suffering, including human suffering, that’s more than enough as far as individual action goes. The big corporations are the real issue.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed as he took a sip of water, nodding again.

“Minimizing human suffering as a part of veganism. I’d never heard it phrased like that.”

“But it’s obvious when you think about it, isn’t it?” she asked, leaning forward, and he nodded enthusiastically.

“Absolutely, yeah.”

“Poe tells me you’re a human rights lawyer, right?”

“Another point to Poe,” he shrugged, flashing her another perfect smile. “I specialize in…”

She never learned what Bob specialized in, though, because the bell above the front door chimed as he explained it, drawing her attention to it.

She lowered her eyes quickly to avoid Ben Solo’s, chewing as hard as she could to drown out his voice.

Useless, of course.

“Mushroom burger for Ben,” Maz yelled into the kitchen, and Rey felt her brows knit together in disbelief.

“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” she muttered under her breath as her eyes strayed towards him against her will. When they found him, he was, as usual, staring at her with a deeply disgusted frown.

It looked like more than standard disgust, though. There was something disturbingly violent in the way he worked his jaw before he looked away quickly, yapping at Maz.

“You don’t have it ready, Maz?”

The tiny woman sat calmly on a high barstool next to the phone, crossing her arms over her chest.

“In a hurry, are we, boy?”

He huffed exasperatedly, his large fingers leaving trails down his shiny mane of jet black hair as they ran through it.

“I called over an hour ago. You _literally_ told me to be here around 4:30.”

“Did I? Well, God knows I’m not getting any younger,” Maz sighed theatrically, tapping her forefinger to her temple. “Been getting forgetful lately, you see? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an important phone call to make,” she smiled, resting her hand on the phone. “Go take a seat. It will be out in a minute.”

“I’m good, thanks,” he grumbled as he shoved his hands inside his pockets, pointing his seething gaze to the ground.

“…. And Omega rights, of course, which has been a huge…”

She was well aware Bob was still talking in front of her, but she couldn’t bring herself to pay attention to a word he said, too focused on staring at her fingernails and breathing through her mouth.

She did take notice when her date turned around to call a waitress, though, especially when his head snapped back in Solo’s direction.

“Solo?” he asked cheerfully, turning his torso to double check, his arm draped over the backrest of the booth. “Ben Solo?”

The boiling anger rolling off Solo’s body was almost palpable when he looked up, his hands apparently clenched into fists inside his pockets.

“You remember me, right?” Bob asked, apparently oblivious to the danger he was in. Solo seemed to be in a particularly foul mood that day, Rey thought, trying her best not to stare at the strain of his muscles under his long sleeved shirt.

_At the arms that had…_

She reached for her glass of water again and took a long, hurried sip.

“No, sorry,” Solo stated bluntly, looking down again.

“C’mon man, it’s Bob! Your lab partner in eighth grade?” her date insisted, twisting his torso even more. “Bro, it’s been years –“

“Doesn’t ring a bell,” Solo repeated with something vicious and murderous dripping from every word. He held Bob’s stare this time, apparently trying to get his message across.

To no avail.

“That’s impossible dude, we –“

“Leave him, Bob,” Rey blurted out, desperate to kill the face-off before it began. Whatever it was that had gotten Solo in that mood, she didn’t want to be a part of it. “He’s clearly not in a good mood,” she added through her teeth, picking at the crust of a bruschetta.

“Yeah, _Bob_ ,” Solo spat, apparently using every ounce of disdain he had in his body as he narrowed his eyes. “Why don’t you and Sanders go back to your little _date_?”

“Excuse me?” Rey spat back, narrowing her eyes too as she splayed both hands on the table. It came out louder than she intended. “What do I have to do with anything?”

Solo let out a shuddering breath as he worked his lips, something she couldn’t discern flashing across his eyes before they settled back on anger.

On her peripheral vision, she could see Maz swaying back and forth on her stool, her ear pressed firmly to the phone.

“Oh, yes, clear as day, just like you… Exactly… No, two weeks, tops. I’d bet money on that,” she muttered to the person on the other side of the line, nodding solemnly every now and then.

“Just go back to your date, ok?” he mumbled, his teeth clenched as he moved to turn back around.

“Oh, are you going to stand there and give me _orders_ now?” she hissed, her fingers white on the table. “Or will you be so kind as to tell everyone why the _flaming fuck_ you’re so hell-bent on acting like a _fucking_ _asshole_?”

The last two words came out in a snarl, and Rey felt the entire restaurant stop to stare at her as silence fell over the room like a heavy shroud.

Silence, except for Maz babbling on the phone.

“Scratch that. A week. Tops.”

“I’m sorry, Sanders,” Solo growled, stalking closer, all color drained from his lips. “Could you repeat that? It’s hard to hear you when you’re all the way up there on your high horse.”

“My pleasure, you _fucking asshole_ ,” Rey retorted, anger making her mouth feel painfully dry.

 _Anger –_ to think it had been so hard to summon it only three days before. It came so naturally whenever he was standing right in front of her – whenever she could actually see his dark eyes narrow at her; watch his full lips move as he chewed on unspoken words;  watch the muscles on his arms work as he…

“Hey, guys, you don’t have to –"

“Would you stay out of this, Lynch?” Solo snarled, never tearing his eyes from Rey’s face.

“I never told you my –”

“ _Leave him, Bob_ ,” Rey repeated. She didn’t look at her date either as she spat: “He wouldn’t know civility if it bit him in the ass.”

 Solo was only a few feet away when he opened his mouth to answer. A ringing sound coming from the kitchen window cut through the air before his voice could, though.

“Mushroom burger for Ben Solo,” Maz chirped happily as she jumped to the floor and moved expertly to grab the brown paper bag.

“Here, child,” she smiled, handing him his order. “Enjoy it.”

“Thank you,” he mumbled, clenching his jaw one last time before he turned around and stomped towards the door, slamming it shut behind him.

The sound of chatter and clinking cutlery seemed to progressively fill the room again in the moments following his exit, rising back to the usual volume within a few seconds. Rey drew in a sharp breath and reached for her glass of water with trembling fingers.

“That was something,” Bob chuckled, trying too hard to sound casual.

“Mhm,” she mumbled in response, hidden behind the rim of her glass as she took a big gulp.

A few moments of awkward silence stretched between them before he spoke again.

“He used to be a great kid, you know?”

“Sorry?”

“Ben. He used to be a great kid. Saved my ass in eighth grade Biology,” he shrugged, his voice soft as he reminisced. He tore a napkin into tiny pieces absentmindedly as he spoke. “Really smart kid.”    

“Well,” Rey started, clearing her throat before proceeding. “Did he become an asshole overnight?”

Bob shrugged again, offering her a sad smile.

“He just kinda… changed. After he presented, you know? He went all…”

He moved his hands randomly, indicating he was searching for a good word.

“All Alpha?” Rey offered, and he flashed his green eyes at her, nodding almost imperceptibly.

“I guess, yeah.”

Another stretch of awkward silence followed, and Rey tried to make it less uncomfortable by tracing the rim of her glass with her forefinger.

“Rey?” he called a few moments later, when the silence had gone from awkward to painful.

“Yeah?” she asked, raising her eyes to his.

“You’re not in the mood for this, are you?”

She smiled apologetically, shaking her head.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he said kindly, leaning in as he winked conspiratorially. “How about we tell Poe my sixth toe was a deal breaker and call it a day?”

She couldn’t help chuckling and scrunching up her nose.

“Do you have a sixth toe?”

“Guess you’ll never know.”

She laughed again, scratching her neck as she moved to get her wallet.

“I’ve got it, don’t worry. Go home. You look like you could use some peace and quiet,” he insisted, and she offered him the best smile she could muster.

“You’re a great guy, Bob. Poe got that right, too.”

“Nice meeting you, Rey. Get home safe,” he said with a crooked smile that would certainly melt a healthier heart. It didn’t reach hers, though, so she just nodded and smiled as she swung her purse over her shoulder and waved Maz goodbye. She looked over her shoulder one last time as she opened the door, throwing Bob an apologetic smile that he answered with a nod and a wink.

The world seemed weirdly quiet when she sat on her bike, the kind of silence that falls over the coast just before the sun sets. She always found it incredibly relaxing, but today the calmness just seemed unnerving. She pedaled hard, the cool breeze a welcome relief against her warm skin, hoping that the whistling of the wind in her ears would be enough to placate this knot in her stomach.

Seconds stretched into minutes, but her eyes were still stinging and her heart was still pounding wildly inside her chest by the time she got to the intersection between Main Street and the road that would lead her back to her friends at Resistance. Her bike came to a screeching halt, its weight braced on her left leg as her foot hit the asphalt.       

_You look like you could use some peace and quiet._

She nodded to herself as Bob’s words echoed in her ears, and her lips settled into a determined line as she stomped the asphalt and sent her bike gliding straight ahead, flying along the coastline, headed east. To her left, the sea murmured, oddly still, and she rode faster, quickly leaving the small town and its bright lights behind.

There was only one place in the world she needed to be right now, and she knew where that was, so she pedaled forward as if her life depended on it.

Maybe it did.

The wind sent her skirt riding up her thighs, licking her skin and leaving gooseflesh in its wake. She didn’t mind it, glad to have another sensation to distract her other than this destructive, poisonous, nameless amalgam of anger, loneliness and, for some weird reason, longing.

Tears flew past her as they fell from her eyes, and she was also glad she didn’t have to feel their warmth on her cheeks, their burning trail such a palpable testimony of the power he held over her.  

_No._ The power he held over _what_ she’d once been, not over _who_ she’d chosen to be _,_ she told herself, clinging to Kylo’s words, letting them lull her and soothe the pain in her chest as she glided down the road with her eyes closed.

The ten-minute ride felt like a decade long one when she had to pedal against the heaviness in her chest, but she finally arrived, taking a deep breath as soon as she reached the curve that marked the spot. _Her spot._ The magical little stretch of the beach where…

Had she been less well versed in anatomy, she would have said that her blood had frozen inside her veins when she saw it.

With her brain rendered completely useless inside her skull, she just stared at it for a long moment, her hair blowing with the wind as she gasped in disbelief. Her bike fell to the side of the road with a dull thud, but she didn’t have it in her to care.

Because there, parked on the other side of the narrow road, sat a sleek black Prius she knew all too well.  

Of course it couldn’t be anyone else’s, because how would _that_ fit this sadistic, cruel cosmic joke?

She turned her head incredulously as her eyes wandered to the beach and landed on the man sitting on the sand with his elbows on his knees and his face buried in his hands.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” she bellowed as she stomped towards the silhouette, sending sand flying everywhere.

At first, it seemed like he hadn’t heard her, because he didn’t budge. Maybe the wind had carried her voice away, so she howled again, louder this time, only a few feet away from him.

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”

She clenched her fists as she yelled, and her fingernails dug crescents into the palms of her hands, the sharp pain fueling the rage in her core. She was panting heavily, her feet half buried in the soft sand, when he finally moved.

At first she thought he was crying, which is why she took a scandalized step back, almost falling as her sandals caught in the sand. As he plopped back on the sand with his hands over his face, there was no room for doubt, though.

He was laughing.

It was a husky, humorless sound that shook his entire body, and his chest rose and fell with its rhythm, his back flat against the sand.

“IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE TO YOU?” she bellowed again, approaching him in long strides, her fists still clenched. “DO YOU GET OFF ON TORTURING PEOPLE, YOU SADISTIC SHIT?”

His laugh subsided slowly, but he kept his hands over his face as his chest heaved.

“Yes, Sanders. It’s hilarious,” he finally said, his voice muffled by his hands, barely audible over the sound of the waves.   

“Is this some dark, twisted strategy, eh?” she asked in a shaking voice, lifting her chin defiantly despite the fact he couldn’t see her. “ _Spying_ on us, finding each _tiny_ , _insignificant detail_ you can use to drive us out of our _fucking minds?_ ”

Her entire body was shaking when he finally lowered his hands, refusing to look at her as he sat back up and wiped his eyes.

“Yes, Sanders, gaslighting all of you into submission is our secret, evil master plan.”

He crossed his arms over his knees as he said it, his face expressionless as he stared into the sea, blinking rapidly. 

“That’s it, isn’t it?” she hissed, taking another step closer. “Ordering _my_ order, invading _my_ spot on the beach, eating _my_ _fucking donuts_ –"

“Eating _your donuts_?” he repeated, finally turning his head to face her, his brows knitted together and his eyes narrowed in disbelief. “Do you hear yourself?” he added in a low murmur, turning back to face the sea.

A beat of silence followed his words, filled only by the howling wind, the waves crashing and her blood roaring in her ears.

And then he spoke again.

“This has been my favorite spot on the beach since I was seven. Ask anyone.”

“You’re a liar,” she muttered, her lower lip trembling.

He just shrugged and carded his hands through his hair, causing sand to trickle down the back of his shirt.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” he answered in the same defeated tone, biting the insides of his cheeks as his eyes roamed the horizon line.

“Why should I believe you?”

“You shouldn’t,” he deadpanned, unmoving.

Another beat of silence, during which her breathing began to stabilize, slowly matching the rhythm  of the waves.

“I can leave,” he finally said before raising his eyes to meet hers. They looked raw and shiny, like live wires ready to electrocute her. She looked away quickly, disconcerted by the vulnerability in his voice.

Asking him to leave would be feeding into the power he had over her, wouldn’t it?

Yes, it would, or at least that’s what she told herself to justify her decision when she walked past him, towards the sea, and sat down on the sand only a few feet away.

“Suit yourself, then,” his deep voice rumbled behind her, and she closed her eyes, letting the sound of the sea soak into her bones, calming her heart.  

Somewhere above them, a seagull called, and Rey looked up, squinting her eyes against the darkening sky.

“Why?”

The word left her lips before she could swallow it, so it fell out into the world thinner and feebler than she would have liked it to be.

“Why what?” he asked, and she kept looking up as she swallowed thickly, hugging her knees.

“You said this is your favorite spot on the beach. Why?”

It took him a minute to answer, and the rawness in his voice seemed to find a direct pathway to her stomach when he finally did.

“Do you know where my mother’s from?”

“Alderaan,” she answered mechanically, struggling to push the word through the tightness in her throat.

“And what do you know about Alderaanian braiding traditions?”

“I know Leia’s great at braiding,” she answered, a confused frown settling on her face as she wiped sand off her calves.

“Braiding is a big part of their culture,” he confirmed, pausing before he went on. “But so is unbraiding. You see, for them…”

Another long pause followed, during which he seemed to swallow thickly.

“For them, unbraiding someone’s hair is the ultimate act of intimacy. It means complete, utter trust – allowing someone to see you at your most vulnerable state, trusting someone to strip you of… everything.”

Rey blinked several times, and the frown between her brows deepened.

“I don’t think I’m following.”

“This part of the beach,” he went on, his voice raspy and rich. “I know it doesn’t make any sense, because of course the sun sets the same everywhere, but somehow it feels like it sets here first. And, when it starts to set, the water goes this deep shade of green you can only see here. Now. At this hour.”

She could feel he was gesturing towards the sea, but she didn’t dare turn around to look at him.

“It feels… Intimate. Vulnerable. Like watching the sea unbraiding its hair.”  

Rey inhaled deeply and exhaled a shaky, quivering puff of air. Before her eyes, the sea sparkled in a deep, unique shade of emerald green –  her favorite color in the world. The one she could only find here.   

She raised her hands to fix her windswept hair, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible when she took advantage of the movement to wipe a tear from her cheek.

They just stared at the ocean for a long moment, watching the green go even deeper and the orange swirls in the sky slowly turn into blood red. Soon, both sky and sea would be the same shade of black, only discernible because of the stars.

She could still tell sky and sea apart when he said it, though.

“I don’t hate them, by the way.”

“Who?” she asked, her voice feeling rusty.

“The porgs. I really don’t. And I’m sorry if I’ve ever caused you any… discomfort. I didn’t mean to.”

This time she finally looked over her shoulder to face him, ignoring the tears pooling in her eyes. All of a sudden, seeing him seemed to matter more than her pride.

“Why do I believe that?”

“Because it’s the truth,” he murmured, his eyes a melted pool of caramel and sorrow. She nodded and turned back around to face the sea before she spoke again.

“Did you draw it?”

When he didn’t answer, she insisted, her tone slightly softer.

“The sketch on your parents’ wall. Did you draw it?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because it does.”

For a moment, she was sure she wouldn’t get an answer, so that must be why gooseflesh rose all over her body when his deep voice murmured in the softest of tones.

“I did.”

She nodded again as the wind tugged at her hair, going colder by the minute.

“Why don’t you draw like that anymore?”

“Because I’m not that person anymore.”

 _“Why not? What happened to him? What happened to you?”_ her mind asked, but the words got lost somewhere on their way to her mouth, so she just sat in silence, shivering in the wind. 

“Rey?” he called a few moments later, the sound of her name barely louder than an exhale. She looked over her shoulder again, holding his gaze as he worked his jaw, his eyes begging for something she couldn’t put a name to. She needed him to _say it,_ and, for a glorious second, as his lips parted, she thought he would.

He didn’t, though, because something interrupted him before he could. 

It made her snap her head towards the sea, her chest mourning the loss of his eyes but her ears reveling in the sound that flooded them. 

For the second time in the span of a week, Rey wondered if she’d died.

She thought she was imagining it at first – the eerie, gentle melody that hummed in the dusk, sounding like it was coming out of the sea itself.

As it grew louder, however, she was convinced the haunting, ethereal sound couldn’t possibly belong to this world, and that, therefore, she must be dead.

The idea didn’t bother her. Not really. If this was death, she’d die a thousand times just to hear the sound the waves carried to her ears, bathing the entire world in light. It kissed her skin and melted her flesh and bones, making her weightless, infinitely light; making her body float and expand to the point where she couldn’t tell it apart from the nature around her anymore.

Entranced, she stood up slowly, toed off her sandals and dragged her feet over the sand, leaving deep grooves behind her heels as she walked to the sea.

His voice reached her ears at the exact same time the cold, salted water covered her toes.

“Is that…”

“A thala siren,” she breathed, floating above her body but somehow hyper aware of the cold water embracing her shins as she kept moving forward.  

“I haven’t heard that in…”

The broken, strained tone of his voice told her that his state of mind was but an extension of her own.

“In twenty-five years. No one’s heard it in twenty-five years.”

“But they only sing when they’re…” he murmured, and, as if on cue, another song resounded in the sunset, lower and deeper, dovetailing with the first one like a missing piece. They blended as if that’s what they were meant to be all along: a duet that merged into one single, breathtaking, tear jerking tune. As if, although they existed separately in all their individual glory, togetherness unveiled what they had always truly been.

“Mating,” she whispered, hot tears streaming down her cheeks in sharp contrast to the icy water that had now reached her knees, licking the hem of her dress and tinting it a darker shade of yellow.

“It’s…” she said, her voice barely an exhale as she turned her torso around, searching for him. 

She found him standing only a few feet behind her, just in front of the white line of foam the sea had drawn on the sand, his hands hanging limply at his sides and his hair floating around his face.

“It’s…” she repeated, her throat feeling tight and hot. No word seemed to translate this soaring, thrilling, larger than life feeling in her chest closely enough, so she just stood there, looking at him, the wind tugging at her hair and her dress.

“Beautiful,” he breathed, his eyes shining just as bright as her heart.

“Beautiful,” she whispered, a tear making its way around the corner of her mouth as her lips turned upwards into a luminous, face splitting smile.  

In the dusk, the thala-sirens kept singing. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did promise two chapters this week, didn't I? The next one is... Well, you'll see. 
> 
> Fun fact: the scene on the beach is actually one of the scenes that originated this story. Hope you don't hate it? 
> 
> Love your faces <3


	9. Dawn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, i'd like to thank Anisky for betaing this story and making the entire process feel *so* much lighter and easier. You're the best <3 
> 
> Important note: this chapter contains depictions of an injured animal. It isn't a serious injury at all and I did my best not to make it graphic, but bear it in mind if you think that might be triggering or upsetting for you.

 

 

Twenty minutes. It had been twenty minutes since she’d woken up to her phone buzzing and grabbed it from her nightstand, blinking against the bright blue light. Twenty minutes since she’d read the message for the first time, and still she didn’t know what to say. Twenty minutes since she’d started trying to make sense of the dull ache that had taken up residence in her chest, making it feel tight and cold, and still she couldn’t put a name to it.

****

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I think I’m in love with her._

 

She read the words for the umpteenth time, some part of her once again expecting to find they’d morphed into something else. She rubbed her eyes, finally sitting up in bed and taking the phone between both hands, yawning before she started typing.

****

> **_Scavenger287:_ **
> 
> _Well, that’s inconvenient._
> 
> _Or maybe really convenient, if you think about it._

He answered almost immediately.

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I’m fucked._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says_ ** _:_
> 
> _Hey, breathe, let’s talk about it._
> 
> _Are you sure? Can it be just the pheromones talking?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No, that’s the thing._
> 
> _The pheromone thing, isn’t it supposed to be this burning, primal, uncontrollable lust?_
> 
> _It’s a reproductive thing after all, isn’t it?_
> 
> _But that’s not how I feel._
> 
> _I mean, there’s lust, obviously._

Sitting on her bed, Rey scratched her nose, frowning as that weird squeeze in her chest grew tighter. Running her fingers through her messy hair, she tried to identify it, but failed.

Hunger, maybe?

Yes, that was probably it. She’d make some oatmeal for breakfast.

****

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _But I feel like that’s easier to deal with, you know? I can drown myself in blockers, lick my wounds, get over it, move on._
> 
> _The animal part I can control._
> 
> _But this thing in my chest whenever she says or does something brilliant or passionate or brave or infuriating?_
> 
> _This thing is what keeps me up at night._
> 
> _I mean, I was just watching her smile yesterday and it dawned on me that I’d be perfectly happy to know that was all I’d ever get from her. Standing from a distance, watching her smile._
> 
> _And I also realized I’d feel the same if she smelt like feet. Or soap. Or chalk._

Come to think of it, she wasn’t truly hungry. In fact, she had no appetite at all. Her stomach felt heavy as she lay back down with a long sigh, holding her phone above her face.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah, sounds like you’ve got it bad._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _How do I know? What do I do?_
> 
> _I mean, have you ever been in love?_

For some mysterious reason, her brain was assailed by the look on Ben Solo’s face the previous day, when she jogged past him and towards her bike, babbling about telling Poe, Finn, and Rose about the sirens. She shook her head.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I don’t think so._
> 
> _But does it really matter? The name, the label?_
> 
> _This thing you described, I think it’s beautiful enough to make it worth pursuing._
> 
> _Whether you want to call it love or, I don’t know… Gobbledygook._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That’s not even a word._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Of course it is._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Pretty sure it isn’t._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Look it up, you uneducated brute._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I think you’re the only person in the world that could make me laugh right now._
> 
> _Thank you._

 

Her tight smile didn’t reach her eyes as she fluffed the pillow under her head, cozying up under the blankets.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _It’s the least I can do, trying to help._
> 
> _You make everything so much easier._
> 
> _You almost make me feel like everything will be ok._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I can’t tell you it will._
> 
> _But I can promise I’ll be here whenever it isn’t._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _God, I wish I had you in real life._
> 
> _Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends._
> 
> _But it’s just… different, you know?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I do._

She’d been staring at his message for what felt like an eternity when her phone buzzed again.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I think we should talk._

She frowned at the screen, sitting up again and causing the floral duvet to slide down her torso.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Isn’t that was we’re doing?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _No._
> 
> _I mean, yes._
> 
> _But I mean, talk-talk, you know?_
> 
> _Did you get the app update yesterday?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Take a look at the bottom left corner of the chat._

 

When she did, the tiny icon of a video camera stared at her, sitting right next to the emoji one. Her heart raced as she tried to process it, chewing on her bottom lip.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Video chat?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
> _I mean, what are the odds we’ll ever see each other’s face somewhere else, you know?_
> 
> _It technically doesn’t break the anonymity clause._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _It totally breaks the anonymity clause._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Alright, it kinda does._
> 
> _But sometimes I just think._
> 
> _You know._
> 
> _I’d really like to hear your voice._

 

The room was so silent that, when Bebe perked her head up, looking over at Rey from the depths of her armchair, she was sure the cat could actually hear her heart beating. For a long moment, she just stared at the pixelated words, her hands going sweaty around the edges of her phone.

Until it buzzed again.

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _I’m sorry, just forget about it._
> 
> _It was a stupid idea._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No, no! It wasn’t!_
> 
> _I’d actually like that._

 

And then, because apparently she didn’t have a single dignified bone left in her body:

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Hearing your voice._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Really?_
> 
> _You don’t mind the anonymity thing?_

As she typed her answer, the smile she had on her lips overflowed and flooded her eyes, painting them a special shade of golden.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I don’t think I do, no._
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Oh, ok._
> 
> _Right_
> 
> _So_
> 
> _Maybe in the evening? Around six?_
> 
> _I have a meeting until five-ish, then Chewie wants to go for a run._
> 
> _He’s pissed we didn’t go yesterday, just gave me a piece of his mind._
> 
> _But after that?_
> 
> _If that’s ok?_

Rey tucked her knees under her chin, smiling brightly at the string of messages. Her smile widened even more as she did the math: Poe and Finn would be out looking for the sirens from five o’clock until well after sunset, and Rose shouldn’t be back from her supply run until around seven.

She’d be alone with the animals at six, then. 

 

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Sounds great!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Ok, it’s a date!_
> 
> _I mean._
> 
> _Not a date-date._
> 
> _You know what I mean._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I do._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Right._
> 
> _I’ll hop in the shower then, get the day started._
> 
> _See you later, I guess? Literally?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah. Literally._

 

It was showers and water and promises that she had on her mind when she plopped back on the bed, pulling the floral duvet over her head and eclipsing the teenage smile plastered across her face.

 

_____

 

“Oh, and if she makes a sound like she’s coughing, you just have to –”

“Poe, your car doesn’t _cough,”_ Rose sighed, making a scene of rolling her eyes into her skull as she shoved the car keys into her back pocket. “It’s just falling apart. The engine’s collapsing. And I’m not sticking my head under the hood if it’s about to explode.”

“It’s not going to –“

“Babe,” Finn called with a tired expression, halfway out the door. “We _are_ late. Let’s go. Rey said they started singing around five thirty, right, Rey?”

“What?”

Curled up in the office chair and chewing on her thumbnail, Rey looked up with a jerk of her head when she heard her name, completely oblivious to the conversation happening around her. Finn raised an eyebrow, a suspicious look in his eyes.

“The sirens. They started singing around five thirty, right?”

“Yeah,” she choked out, nodding as she cleared her throat. “Yeah, five thirty.”

“You okay, babe?” Rose asked kindly, taking a step away from the door and closer to the desk.

“Yeah, totally!” Rey answered, probably a little too cheerfully to sound believable. “Just zoned out for a sec.”

“You sure, peanut? Did you eat today?”

The tone of Finn’s voice made her feel like she was five.

“Guys, I’m _great_ , okay?” she said resolutely. Furrowing her brows, she stood up and moved towards the door in long strides to push everybody out. “I ate half an eggplant lasagna for lunch.” She hadn’t. “And you’re _all_ late, so see you later.”

Her friends barely protested when she splayed her hands across Rose’s back and physically pushed the three of them out the door, closing it behind them as soon as they’d crossed the threshold.  

“And don’t do it on the boat, please!” she yelled through the glass, waving and smiling as the three of them disappeared inside Poe’s car.    

As soon as the engine’s roar disappeared into the distance, Rey turned around and leaned against the door, sighing heavily. She fished her phone out of her pocket, the glass door comfortably cold behind her, and checked the time.

5:02

An hour.

She could do this.

By 5:15, she’d already cleaned Toby’s cage and checked the injury on his shell, beaming down at his file as she scribbled, “Release from antibiotics. Two weeks until reintroduction.” She gave him a generous handful of crispy, bright green leaves of lettuce before she scratched his head and closed the crate, squeezing her phone through the fabric of her jeans.

By 5:30, she’d already taken Frankie, the baby fathier, for his walk around the back garden, taking careful notes on the progress of his injured hoof. When he lay down on the grass, panting and tired, she coaxed him back to the makeshift corral they’d set up for him, smiling brightly as she patted his head and told him he’d done great. By that time, she’d already switched her phone to the front pocket of her jeans, so she could feel it better if it vibrated.   

When 5:45 came around, she’d already prepared the porgs’ formula and was now leaned over their nest, feeding them carefully with a small plastic syringe.

“No, no, it’s not that I _like_ like him… weren’t you paying attention?”  she explained to Pip after he chirped excitedly, opening his tiny mouth and asking for food. “There’s this girl that he’s into. Like, _really_ into, you know? She sounds great.” 

Her eyes darted to the phone she’d set down on the counter a few minutes before, when she’d thought that would make the screen more visible if it lit up. For some reason, there was a weird, cold hollowness in her chest when she turned her eyes back to the birds.  

“Yes, that’s it, we’re just friends. Good friends, you know? He makes me…”

She couldn’t come up with a good way to end the sentence, so she just shook her head, switching subjects.

“Did I tell you he’s vegan, too?”

By 5:55, she was in the bathroom splashing her face with water and staring at her reflection in the mirror. She pinched her cheeks and bit her lips, painting them pink, and then ran her fingers through her hair, making sure it cascaded just right over her shoulders.

By 6:15, he still hadn’t messaged her.

She dangled her legs over the edge of the examination table, staring intently at the phone in her hands. The knot in her stomach was already twisting itself into another knot when Paine, Pip’s brother, cheeped from their nest.

“A clean towel? Of course,” she nodded, hopping down to the floor and making her way to the tiny storage room. She set her phone down on a low shelf, making sure it was visible before reaching up for the plastic box where she kept fresh, clean towels.

It was precisely 6:19 when the deafening sound of screeching tires made her stumble backwards, causing her head to hit the wall behind her with a painful thud as she tried to brace her fall.

Breathing heavily, she whipped her head towards the door that led to the front lounge and stared at it wide-eyed for a long moment before bolting towards the street.

She’d barely stepped into the other room when the front door slammed open and Ben Solo crossed it carrying a bear.

What a weird, weird dream. Why would Ben Solo carry a bear? He had the size for it sure, but –

“Can you help him?” he choked out, his reddened eyes pinning her in place. Ironically enough, the shuddering breath he let out after he said the words seemed to reel her in towards him, making her legs take a step closer.

Upon closer inspection, she realized it wasn’t a bear. It was a Newfoundland dog, or at least it looked like one. Everything indicated it – the ears, the fur, the snout, the paws – save for the fact that this dog was at least a size and a half bigger than any dog Rey had ever seen.

“Whose dog is that?” she asked, her wide eyes jumping back and forth between the man and the animal.

“Mine. He’s _my dog_ ,” he answered in a broken murmur, taking another step towards her, his eyes unspeakably shiny and unspeakably lost. “Please, Rey, can you…”

She sucked in a rugged breath when, past the veil of her shock, she saw the blood matting the thick brown fur on the dog’s shoulder, mixed in with gravel and sand.

“On the sink,” she snapped urgently, all other thoughts completely erased from her brain.

Her body had already switched to full emergency mode by the time she stormed into the examination room, pointing at the counter next to the big, industrial sink.

“Lay him down there. Now!”

 As Solo did as he’d been told, she threw on her white lab coat, jogged towards the sink, and sanitized her hands as fast as humanly possible before pulling a pair of blue latex gloves from the box next to the faucet.

“Here, hold him like this,” she murmured as collectedly as she could. Her shoulder, her gloved hands, her upper arm, her hair – every part of her body had apparently decided to touch Solo’s body as they positioned the dog together, but she truly couldn’t bring herself to care. “Just a little more, I need his shoulder to… Yeah, perfect, just hold his head like… There, great.”

She nodded as she turned on the water and grabbed the pull out mixer tap, extending it until it reached the dog’s shoulder. He whimpered when the water seeped into his fur, and, to her left, Solo flinched.

“Shhhh, hey, buddy, we need to clean it up, okay? You got a lot of sand in there,” Rey cooed kindly, and the animal responded with a long, sad look and a low grunt.

She smiled down at him as she cleaned the area around the wound thoroughly, causing sand, blood, and soap water to stream down the grooves of the metal counter, draining into the sink.

“Yeah, what a great boy,” she cooed again, examining the wounded area with a pleased nod before turning off the tap.

“Can you put him on the examination table and describe the accident, please?” she asked, without looking up at Solo, as she moved expertly towards a big metal drawer and grabbed a pair of scissors. 

“He just,” he said from behind her, his voice hoarse and thick. “We were playing fetch on the beach and he started rolling around in the sand, but he always does that.”

“Right.”

While waiting for him to go on, she positioned herself on the opposite side of the table and bent down to start trimming the fur around the wound as carefully as she could.

“But then he –“

Solo’s voice broke as he ran his fingers through the fur on the dog’s belly, and she could hear it as he swallowed quickly.

“Then he let out this really loud whimper, so I ran to him and… and there was blood on the sand, and he was limping.”

His voice broke again, and she looked up at him sympathetically, throwing him an encouraging smile.

“Did you see what it was?”

“A… a broken bottle, I think.”

“Fucking kids,” she spat, shaking her head angrily. The scissors clanked against the metal table when she set them down. “Fucking kids with their fucking bonfires, I swear to _God.”_

She kept shaking her head as she leaned even closer, placed her hands on either side of the wound, and pulled delicately at the skin. The dog grunted a little, and Solo dug his fingers deeper into his fur.

“Hey, pal, hang in there, okay? Rey will take care of you. She – “

The dog interrupted with a sound that hung between a deep growl and a grumble, and Solo smiled down at him, a tear making its way down his nose.

“Yeah, she is.”

“What’s he saying about me?”

She couldn’t help throwing him a side smile when she glanced up quickly. It was long enough to catch the blush creeping up his neck.

“He just…” he stuttered, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “He just asked if you were a doctor.”

“Well,” she smiled, standing up and squaring her shoulders as she looked down at the dog and booped his snout. “You’ll be happy to hear that I am, indeed, a _dogtor_.”    

She pulled off her gloves as Solo chuckled, scratching his cheek.

“And _you_ ,” she looked up at him, tilting her head, “will be happy to hear that this is a very superficial wound. I don’t think Big Boy here will even need stitches.”

She could actually see the color draining back into his face as he let out a long breath, his lower lip shivering for a millisecond.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“What about all the… blood and…”

“It just cut through a pretty entrenched area, but it’s not deep at all, can’t even see the sub cutis. No arterial injury whatsoever, but that was pretty obvious. He was barely bleeding anymore when you got here. Did you stanch it?”

“Yeah, with my hoodie.”

His voice sounded a lot smoother now, and, with the adrenaline rush wearing off, her body responded to it by going hot and tingly.

“You did a good job.”

When he smiled at her, it was barely a smile. It flashed for little over a second, shy and contained, but somehow it was enough to light up the entire room.

“I’ll just get new gloves and some sterile saline so we can clean it up properly, okay?” she asked. Her voice sounded strained now, so she looked away quickly, staring at the floor while she made her way back to the sink.

“Shit,” she cursed under her breath as she felt the weight of the empty glove box, and he turned around to face her.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, just,” she shrugged, waving the empty box in the air. “Just ran out of gloves. I’ll get more in the back, just a sec.”

He nodded as she turned on her heel, and she inhaled deeply through her mouth as soon as she entered the little storage room, her hands firmly wrapped around her waist. She closed her eyes and focused on her breathing for a long moment before reaching for a stool and stepping on top of it to fetch the box of disposable gloves.

Poe had, as usual, stored it on the highest shelf, so it took her a few minutes to reach them, which she spent insulting her boss under her breath.

When she finally got them, she stepped down carefully, and as her feet hit solid ground again a metallic buzz made the entire shelf rattle. Frowning, she looked down, searching for the source and inhaling sharply when she found her phone right where she’d left it, its screen bright.

She didn’t even have to touch it to read the messages.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Kira_
> 
> _Rain check_
> 
> _I’m so, so sorry_
> 
> _Explain later_

Chewing on her lower lip, she rested her forehead on the shelf. Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment before she inhaled deeply and stood up straight. Shaking her head and squaring her shoulders, she grabbed the gloves and walked back into the examination room with her head held high.

Work always helped.

“Sorry that took a while, Poe always hides them,” she explained on her way back to the sink, replacing the empty box and pulling out a new pair of gloves.

 “Of course he does,” Solo murmured.

Instinctively, Rey searched his voice for animosity, but, to her surprise, she didn’t find any. All she found was this weird melancholia that made her look at him, only to find him staring down at his dog, patting his head lovingly with one hand as he shoved the other one in the pocket of his jogging pants.

She tried to ignore the gentle warmth that spread through her chest, so out of place in his presence, pursing her lips as she grabbed some saline and gauze.

“Ready for round two, pal?” she asked as she set her material on the table, drenching some gauze in saline and resuming the cleaning.

The huge animal grunted lowly again, and she smiled.

“Whoa, that must have been so scary! You’re so brave!”

She winked conspiratorially up at Solo as she worked, and he answered with another smile that seemed to tug directly at her fluttering stomach.

The silence that stretched between them as she finished cleansing the wound wasn’t uncomfortable, but, against her better judgement, she felt her body itching to hear the sound of his voice again.

“How long has he been with you?”

“Oof… forever, I think. Since I was a kid.”

“That’s nice. Didn’t take you for the dog dad type.” She smiled, shrugging as she threw the dirty gauze away. “Is he a licker?”

“What?”

“Does he like licking stuff? You, furniture, his fur…”

“Oh,” he stammered, that same blush creeping up his neck again. “Yeah, he’s pretty affectionate.”

She nodded, patting the dog’s belly with a kind smile.

“We’ll skip Nitrofurazone, then. Don’t want him eating that. And let’s just leave the wound uncovered, that should speed up the healing process. Just make sure he doesn’t get it too dirty.”

“Sure,” he agreed, licking his lower lip. For a second, it made her painfully aware of how close he was - if she reached across the table, she could easily touch his hands, his face, his hair, his –

“We can do without oral antibiotics as well. They would do more harm than good in this case. But I think I’ll write you a prescription for that ointment just in case.”

“Sure,” he repeated, his voice slightly lower. She held her breath as she physically tore herself away from the examination table, making for her desk in long strides.

“I’ll write it down, then. Keep an eye out for any secretion, redness, swelling, itchiness… The skin around the cut is looking a little swollen, but that’s normal because of the trauma. Just keep track of how it evolves.”

She walked back towards the examination table as she spoke, paper and pen in hand, and pulled a chair to sit down next to her patient. Solo kept his eyes on her as she balanced the clipboard on her knees, securing the prescription before she started to write.

“Yeah, this should cover it just fine…” she mumbled as she scribbled, her brow furrowed in concentration.

“Owner…. Ben Solo…. Asshole extraordinaire.”

When she looked up with a half-smile, the ceiling light illuminated him from behind. The angle made it look like a warm toned halo around him.

“Patient’s name?”

“Chewie.”

The sound the pen made when it slipped out of her hand and crashed against the floor was a thousand times louder than it should have been, considering its size. She fumbled to retrieve it, sitting back down with a blank expression.

“It’s C-H-E-W-I-E,” he spelled, and she nodded, her blood roaring furiously in her ears.

Why was her blood doing this? Why was her heart doing this? Why were her hands shaking this bad? This was ridiculous, childish, foolish. It must be a common name. Yes, a new trendy name people gave to dogs who just chew on everything and who –

“I know it’s weird,” he added sheepishly, burying his hands in his pockets as he looked down at his shoes. “It’s short for Chewbacca, but I guess that’s even weirder, right?”

His tone was even and calm, matter-of-fact, as if his words didn’t have the weight to rearrange the axis of the planet, shifting tides and changing seasons, moving mountains and awakening earthquakes, reshaping life itself down to a cellular level.   

“Hey, don’t judge me, my dad named him that. And I hear there’s not much wrong my dad can do in your eyes.”

His smile was kind, almost tentative, maybe a little teasing. It dimpled his cheeks, boyish and honest, brimming with sincerity.

It was everything she’d ever hoped his smile would look like. Everything the darkest, most secret part of her brain would envision every time she closed her eyes and tried to put a face to him.

“Are you okay? Do you need me to spell that again?”

When he asked, the smile was gone, and something deep in her chest mourned its absence. She looked back down at the paper, her hands still hovering above it, trembling but otherwise unmoving.

No, she didn’t need him to spell Chewie’s name. She knew it by heart, just like she knew he hated getting his paws wet; he was afraid of thunderstorms; he loved watermelon; he refused to eat breakfast before getting belly rubs; he loved Coldplay and it drove Ben insane.

She knew him like the back of her hand.

“No, it’s okay,” she said thinly, clearing her throat as she wrote the name down and handed Ben the prescription. When she stood up, it was as if her muscles were moving by the power of his gravity alone, and she braced herself on the table to avoid being pulled too far. As her fingers curled around cold metal, she held his gaze unabashedly, as if she were seeing him for the first time.

Maybe she was.

They flashed before her eyes, all of them. They even flashed behind her eyelids when she blinked, trying to coax the warmth back into her tear ducts. Every single one of them did.

The silly jokes in the middle of the night that made her bury her head in her pillow to muffle the ringing sound of her laughter. The innocent, unpretentious compliments that left her with a dreamy smile on her face and a fluttering lightness in her heart. The bleeding confessions made in crowded rooms for just the two of them to hear and for just the two of them to heal. The sharing of guilt and burden that tinted the entire world a brand new shade of dusky rose. The mentions of the girl – his glorious, luminous girl – that made her chest twist around that uncomfortable, green feeling she’d never dared put a name to.

They all flashed before her eyes, but they also rang in her ears, soft and tentative, velvety and impossibly deep. 

Every single one of them sounded like him now.

 

**_She smells like nothing I’ve ever scented. Unlike any Omega I’ve ever met._ **

****

 “Are you sure?” he insisted, as if time had followed its usual course, his lips pursed and his eyes bright. “Are you feeling ok?”

 “Yeah, yeah! Just a little tired. Busy day today.”

He nodded, his gaze so intense it could set fire to ships. Or bridges. Or her heart.

“Is it just you today?”

“Yeah, Rose is out on a supply run and… And the boys are out trying to monitor the sirens.”

“Right. The sirens, they…”

He paused for a moment, swallowing thickly, as if the memory of sand, wind, and emerald green water made it hard for him to breathe, just like it did to her.

“Did they find them?”

“I’ll know when they come back.”

 

**_And I honestly can’t see a world in which someone would know you and not fall in love with you._ **

****

**“** Right. Will you be alone for a while? Do you need me to get you anything? Dinner or…”

That blush crawling up his neck again. The intrusive thought that it would be _so easy_ for her to just push up on her toes and kiss it away.

“I mean, I can run over to Maz and –“

“No, it’s fine! Really. Rose should be coming back soon.”

“Oh. Okay. Hm…  guess I’ll see you on Tuesday, then?”

“Of course, the…” She wet her lips, tucking her hair behind her ear. “The meeting, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” she agreed, reaching for a card inside her pocket and handing it over to him. “Until then, you… you just call if he feels any discomfort, okay?”

“Thank you,” he murmured, taking the card carefully without touching her fingers. “Is he good to go, then?”

“Yeah, and I’d say he can walk just fine.”

“See, Chewie?” he said, taking the dog in his arms and placing him on the floor. Chewie protested loudly, and Ben raised an eyebrow. ”Don’t be a drama queen, Rey says you’re fine.”

The dog grumbled again, and Rey smiled wide, feeling her eyes sting.

**_I’d be perfectly happy to know that was all I’d ever get from her. Standing from a distance, watching her smile._ **

 

“I’ll walk you to the door.”

She petted Chewie on the head as she walked past him, moving towards the front door in absolute silence.

Outside the window, the sun had already set, shrouding the streets in darkness. Earth seemed to have kept spinning, then.

Weird.

Rey stopped by the door, holding it open, and Ben let Chewie leave first before he stopped on the threshold, turning to face her.

“How can I thank you? Properly?”

She craned her neck to meet his eyes, half enveloped by the cool night air, and allowed herself to breathe him in. Diluted by the breeze, his scent seeped gently into every pore, muscle, bone, and cell, healing and hallowed, blazing and bright.

For the first time in what felt like forever, it didn’t frighten her.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said earnestly, resisting the urge to reach for his hand. “It’s a nonprofit. That’s what we do.”

“Well, I’ll… try to think of a way.”

“Surprise me.”

He smiled at her, all caramel and promise, and she allowed herself to smile back.

Watching him nod and turn reluctantly towards the street felt a lot like closing a book you love after reading the last page – the sharp but grateful longing that will only go away if you open it again.

 From page one.

“Ben?” she called as he opened the back door of his car, allowing Chewie to hop inside. He turned to face her, his thick black hair floating in the wind, indistinguishable from the night sky save for the stars.

“Yeah?”

 

**_I think I’m in love with her._ **

“Drive safe.”

He smiled and nodded, holding her gaze for an endless moment before making his way around the car and into the night. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, we did it. I'm literally shaking as I write this note. I know many of you were team "Ben finds out first", but this is the reveal I've had in mind from the very first outline of this story. I just feel like it had to be Rey. Ben already knows how he feels about her, he's known from the start, and he accepts it. She's the one who needed to see him for who he is, past her misconceptions, in order to make peace with her feelings for him, and this will allow her to do just that.
> 
> I know you guys had big expectations for this chapter, and I'm worried I've let you down (especially team "Ben finds out first"), so please let me know what you think? *puppy eyes*
> 
> Love your faces <3


	10. Rise and fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anisky is the best beta in the world. Change my mind.  
> Thank you so much, girl! <3

 

 

Rey had already cried.

It had probably been the first thing she’d done after she’d locked her apartment door behind her and pressed her forehead to the cold wood. To be fair, she’d actually stayed there, head to the door, for a few short moments of absolute silence, disrupted only by her heavy breathing and by the occasional sound of an engine roaring down the street.

When the tears came, they came heavy and thick, accompanied by long, sharp gasps that climbed from the depths of her core, scratching her throat as they escaped into the world.

They weren’t sad tears, though. Not particularly. They were a salty, tangled mess of emotions pouring out of her, as if each long gasp for air were the swing of an axe to a dam she’d built through the years. As it began to crumble and leak, streams of sensation escaped through the cracks in violent gushes.

Loneliness. Longing. Fear. Restraint.

Not all of them were dark, though. There were bright, sunny feelings mixed in with the others, which the outpour presented to the light for the first time.

Happiness. Relief. Realization. Peace.

The feelings melted and blended into each other, pouring out into the world in a hot, damp stream of gray. The more she cried, exorcising the darkness, the brighter that stream became, which is probably why her long gasps for air soon morphed into laughter.

It was laughter and tears that filled the darkened room when she finally turned around, her back to the door, and slid to the floor, hugging her knees. As she hit the ground and looked up at the ceiling, hot tears streamed down her temples and a bright, face-splitting smile settled on her lips, making her cheeks burn.

In hindsight, it _might_ have been a concerning scene for an outsider looking in. That’s likely why it caused Bebe to wake up from her slumber, jump elegantly from the couch to the rug, and make her soft, silent way towards Rey’s legs with a kind meow.

“Hi, baby,” Rey cooed tearfully, picking her up and cradling her in her arms. “Momma’s been so blind. How could momma be so blind?”

Bebe purred softly as Rey smiled into her thick, orange fur, dampening it with tears.

Rey had cried, alright, but she wasn’t crying anymore. She’d been home for an hour, give or take, which had given her plenty of time to cry herself dry and to laugh until her throat hurt.

Now she was lying down on the couch, facing the ceiling, her fingers ghosting over her burning, tear-stained cheeks.

It wasn’t just her cheeks, though. Ever since Ben had left Resistance, Rey had been hyper-aware of the side effects of his proximity. The heat had started in her lower abdomen, contained but steady, its temperature increasing as she indulged in deep inhales of the air that had touched his skin. It had eventually spread through her core, her chest, and her neck, licking at her gland and making it throb and shine.

The woman she had been a few short days ago would have despaired by now, grabbed a handful of bright blue suppressants, and downed them with shaking hands and a hammering heart, dreading what she’d see if she looked in the mirror.

She wasn’t that woman anymore, though.

She felt brand new, as if her flesh and her soul had been reforged in the flames by which she now felt free to be consumed. Gone were the fear and the anger that had once made this fire appear terrifying and forbidden; reborn, she could now see the flames and heat in their true, untainted form.

_Delicious._

She moaned low in her throat as a tongue of fire licked her groin, elicited by the memory of his smile, and her eyes fluttered shut as the heat caused slick to pool between her legs. Her underwear must be drenched by now – drenched with _slick_ , of all things – and, oh, how it would have scared her in another life.

In this life, though, so much less frightening and so much brighter, she just turned her head to the side and buried her nose in her hair to inhale the fading traces of his scent. She dug her teeth into her bottom lip, breathing deeply and rubbing her thighs together, desperate for friction. A long hiss escaped her lips when damp cotton glided over her slick-coated clit, making her gloriously aware of how swollen and ready she was.

 _Ready for him,_ she thought, smiling with her lips between her teeth and inhaling again as she cupped her breast.

The thought sent an electric wave across her lower body, making everything clench and shine.

She’d take her suppressants. Eventually, she would. She knew she _had to,_ until she’d figured it all out and found the right way to talk to him. The right time. The right words. The excitement of knowing she’d have him by her side while she made the transition now eclipsed any fear she might have had, replacing it with a giddy sense of anticipation.  His eyes, his smile, and his voice made the prison she’d always envisioned hatch into promises, caramel dawns and new horizons, and there, in the aftermath of the metamorphosis, the world was golden.   

So yes, she’d eventually take her suppressants, but not now. For now, sheltered by the emptiness of her darkened living room, she’d indulge in the delicious heat that flicked at every sensitive nub in her body, making her arch her back and moan into her hair.

“ _Ben_.”

The coffee table buzzed under her phone at the exact same time the sigh in the shape of his name fell from her lips.

****

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Hey, you there?_
> 
> _I’m so, so sorry about today._
> 
> _Chewie got hurt._

She sat up on the couch as the message illuminated her phone screen, her breathing shallow, and reached out to grab it with clammy hands. The throbbing between her legs took a backseat, instantly replaced by a giddy, warm fluttering in her stomach when she saw his name.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Is he ok?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
> _He is now._
> 
> _We were playing fetch on the beach and he ended up cutting himself on a broken bottle when he was rolling around._
> 
> _I was terrified, there was blood everywhere_

Rey looked at the screen for a long moment, taking a deep breath as she finally reached for the pills she’d set on the coffee table. She’d have all the time in the world to enjoy everything he did to her body to the fullest, she thought, smiling against the rim of the water glass as she swallowed her suppressants. She definitely would, but right now this would require her undivided attention.

How could she do this without lying to him?

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I’m so, so sorry that happened._
> 
> _It sounds terrifying._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _It was._
> 
> _But then I took him to The Girl_ ™
> 
> _I’ve never mentioned she’s a vet, have I?_

Setting the glass down, she smiled brightly again, biting her thumbnail as she sat back on the couch and curled up into a ball, cradling her phone.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Nope_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Well, guess we’re past the “no personal info” policy, right?_
> 
> _She’s a vet, and she’s phenomenal._
> 
> _She can heal anything she touches._
> 
> _At least that’s what my mother says._
> 
> _But I totally believe it. She has this connection with the animals, you know? This deep empathy, like she feels their pain._
> 
> _Chewie loves her._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I bet she loves him, too._
> 
> _He’s such a good boy._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _He is._
> 
> _A bit of a drama queen, tbh. The cut was really superficial, according to her._
> 
> _It’s the funniest thing, he’s just prancing normally around the house now, but he’ll start limping the second I look._
> 
>  

Her bubbly laugh rang in the dark, causing Bebe to wake up from her slumber again, eyeing Rey suspiciously from the backrest of the couch.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Omg, no way!_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Way._
> 
> _Limping and whimpering._
> 
> _It’s almost like he wants to drag me back there to see her._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Maybe he does._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Well, as long as he’s OK I won’t bother her again._
> 
> _We know how she feels about me._

And there it was, clearer than ever, the bitter taste of wasted time she’d had in her mouth since Chewie’s name had fallen from his lips.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Do we?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Of course we do._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Haven’t you made any progress?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Lol, noope._
> 
> _I mean, she hasn’t yelled at me in over 24 hours, I guess? And she’s been nice. Maybe less angry?_
> 
> _But I did apologize for being an asshole yesterday. Kinda. And nice is her default mode, so I think she just switched back to it._
> 
> _Plus, my dog was hurt, and she’s obviously a really empathetic person. Of course she’d throw me a smile or two, you know._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Dunno, that sounds like progress to me._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Don’t think so._
> 
> _But, hey, as long as she’s smiling, you know? Can’t complain._

Her eyes fluttered closed as she grinned, tracing her bottom lip with her thumb.

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Speaking of animosity, how’s the douchebag situation?_

It took her another long moment to rummage through the piles of hope, anticipation, and longing in her chest searching for the right thing to say. She finally settled for a single word.

 

> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Changed._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Did he finally move his ass out of your life?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _No, not at all._
> 
> _And I really hope he doesn’t. Ever._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _What?_
> 
> _Care to explain?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I was wrong._
> 
> _So, so wrong. About everything._
> 
> _Well, maybe not everything. He’s kinda lost, kinda broken. Can be a little rough around the edges._
> 
> _But the thing is, I’m kinda lost and kinda broken, too._
> 
> _And God knows I’m not easy to deal with when I’m pissed._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Did you die and get replaced?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Might as well have._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You hated him_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _That’s the thing, I didn’t. I never have._
> 
> _I hated this preconceived notion I was projecting onto him._
> 
> _But now it’s like…_
> 
> _Like a veil has been lifted and I can see him._
> 
> _Really, truly see him._
> 
> _And I don’t think I ever want to stop looking._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _That’s a plot twist._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Tell me about it._

He went silent for a couple minutes. Chewing on her thumbnail through a teary smile, she wondered if that green eyed monster that had been living in her chest for a while had moved out and taken up residence in his. Her suspicion grew stronger when he finally answered.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Sorry, I’m trying to process that._
> 
> _So you’re thinking about… going for it?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Whoa_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _I know._

Another stretch of silence, during which she realized Bebe had gone back to snoring on the backrest and her mind wandered back to the warmth of his arms when he –

_Ping._

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Why is everything so confusing?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _What?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyoRen says:_ **
> 
> _Everything_
> 
> _This whole thing_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Is it, though?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _You don’t think it is?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Maybe it’s less confusing than you think._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Unlikely._

She smiled, picking at her lower lip, her heart swelling and racing each time he deleted whatever he was writing. The typing bubble appeared and disappeared about five times before the message finally came through.

 

> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Do you ever wonder?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Wonder what?_
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _If there hadn’t been him and there hadn’t been her._
> 
> _In another lifetime, an alternate universe where you and I had just met._
> 
> _In a coffee shop, a flower shop, at work, I don’t know._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
> _I know._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Yeah._
> 
> _I would have asked for your number._
> 
> _And I don’t think I would have been able to wait 24h before calling you up._
> 
>  
> 
> **_Scavenger287 says:_ **
> 
> _Well_
> 
> _All things considered, I think I like this universe._
> 
>  
> 
> **_KyloRen says:_ **
> 
> _Right._

 

There we tears streaming down her face – tears, and a face-splitting smile as she turned to her side, pulling the blanket over her legs and pressing the phone to her chest, right over her heart.

 

___________________

 

 

“You’re still not eating, are you?”

“Hm?”

“Eating, Peanut. Food. Nutrients. You’re not eating, are you?”

She sat up on the beanbag, turning to face Finn and his worried, accusing expression.

“I’m just stressed over the First Order thing, that’s all.”

“Hm,” Finn mumbled, raising an eyebrow as he lay back on his own beanbag. “It’s unlike you, loss of appetite. That’s all.”

Rey shrugged, smiling sheepishly.

“It’ll get better after today’s meeting. I’m sure it will.”

It wouldn’t, of course. Loss of appetite, insomnia, dizzy spells: now she knew they’d all follow her through the entire reversion process, but it didn’t really worry her anymore. She knew she’d have Ben by her side, making her oatmeal and banana pancakes, cooking falafel or pinto bean stew for dinner, bringing her sliced watermelon for a snack whenever he felt like she hadn’t eaten enough and rolling his eyes at her when she shared it with Chewie.

She’d have _him_ , and that was more than enough.

“What are you smiling for?” Rose asked from across the room, sitting cross-legged on a shabby armchair. “God, just the thought of seeing that Hux guy makes me want to puke.”

“Oh, she’s been all smiley these last few days, haven’t you, Reyrey?”

From his post on the tall office chair, behind the computer, Poe wiggled his brows, throwing her a knowing wink.

“Bet she’s talking to Bob again.”

“Holy shit, can’t you just accept the Bob thing flopped and let it go already?!”

“You said it yourself! You said he was nice!!”

“Nice? Sure. Fucking him? Hell, no.”

“Well, your loss,” he said dramatically, resting his feet on the desk as he reached for his coffee mug.

“Speaking of the meeting, can we start working, please? We’ve got two hours,” Rose insisted, and Rey nodded emphatically.

“Yeah, I think we should go over the numbers one last time. Finn, can you talk us through the breeding output data again?”

To her right, Poe’s email pinged just as Finn opened the computer on his lap.

“Sure thing. I included the graphs as an appendix to the report, so this is the data they’re looking at.”

He turned the screen towards Rey, and Rose moved to sit down next to her, leaning in and pointing at a red line.

“So, this is our strongest point, isn’t it? The 2011 valley.”  

“That coincides with the roadworks, exactly,” Rey agreed, nodding. “But I think the 2016 peak is gold, too. That’s the year we didn’t get thunderstorms.”

Finn nodded, turning the screen back to him.

“I mean, it’s a 40% variation. There’s no way in hell they can ignore that.”

“I don’t think they’ll ignore it, but they’ll definitely try to push for May or June. What we have to focus on is –“

“In the car.”

Poe’s uncharacteristically stern tone made every head in the room snap towards him, three pairs of wide eyes and raised brows. When they did, he was already on his feet, searching for his car keys with a murderous frown on his face.

“Babe, what the fuck?”

“In the fucking car NOW,” he yelled as he strode past them and towards the door.

Rey sprung to her feet, following Finn as he tried to catch up. Rose followed closely behind, and they had to jog towards the Wing as Poe opened the door with such violence the entire car wobbled. The sound of the door slamming behind him sent a nearby flock of birds flying.

“Poe, what the _fuck_ is going on?”

“Can you please just –“

“Baby _watch out_!”

Somehow, they’d all managed to squeeze into the car by the time Poe took off down the road, the smell of burning tires filling the late morning air.

“They’ve fucked us over,” he finally spat as he made a sharp turn to the right that had Rey holding onto Rose to avoid crashing against the door.

“What? Who?”

“Who do you think, Rose?” he spat again, louder this time, his knuckles white around the steering wheel. “ _Them._ ”

“Babe, just breathe and…”

“Hux e-mailed me, ok? E-mailed me and _cancelled the fucking meeting_. Said our _counseling_ wasn’t _needed_ anymore.”

“What the fuck?” Rey said, sticking her head between the driver’s seat and the passenger seat. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He sent me the licenses. All of them. They’ve got _all of them_ , Rey. Including the Department of Environment and Energy. The project’s been greenlighted by _everyone_.”

“What?” three voices cried in unison, and Poe nodded, clenching his jaw, his face going a menacing shade of purple.

“They’ve bought them. These are rigged. They _have to be_ ,” Rose insisted, sticking her head next to Rey’s. “There’s _no way_ , we’ve protocolled the complaint with the DEE, we sent them the report, we –“

“Well, they’re filthy rich,” Poe spat, swerving dangerously into Main Street. “ _Filthy fucking rich_ , and they’re starting construction in five days.”

“What do we do?”

Rey heard Finn’s incredulous whisper, but she didn’t see his face as he said it. She had her eyes glued to the road, wide and shocked, a silent tear making its way down her cheek and burning her skin as it slid down.

“I don’t know, we… They have a meeting with Hutt. Now. We go to City Hall and –”

“And what, punch Hutt in the face?”

“If that’s what it takes, yeah! Hutt, Hux, Solo, all of them. _Fucking murderers_.”

Poe’s voice broke on the last two words, and Rey sat back just as he rubbed his nose furiously, sniffing.

Finn grabbed his mate’s shoulder, squeezing it gently, and Rose sat back, too, turning to face Rey.

“We’ll find a way,” she murmured, her voice shaking with anger as she grabbed Rey’s thigh and squeezed it. “We always do.”

Her friend’s face was set in a determined expression Rey couldn’t bring herself to mimic. Inside of her, the sound of her _stupid, childish_ fantasy collapsing was the only thing she could concentrate on.

Maybe Kylo Ren had been the illusion, after all. Maybe Ben Solo had been his truth all along.

When the tires of the Wing screeched outside City Hall, she was the first to jump out of the car. She took the front steps two at a time, barely able to hear it when the doors slammed behind her and her friends followed, trying to catch up with her. She didn’t stop when they crossed the front door, bolting down the front lobby and into the corridor that took to the mayor’s office.

Midway through the corridor, Poe overtook her, sliding on the granite floor as he made a sharp turn into the room where the mayor’s secretary sat behind a large walnut table, filing her nails.

“Good morning, do you have an appointme-… Hey, you can’t just… HEY!” she yelled behind them, but it was too late. Poe had already launched himself towards the door, causing it to travel 180° and slam against the wall as he stepped into the room.

Rey followed closely behind, so she managed to hear it when Hux muttered, “So overdramatic,” under his breath as he turned around to face them. He was sitting by the mayor’s table, opposite a startled Hutt, who looked a lot like a child caught red-handed stealing cookies before dinner.

The two chairs on either side of Hux’s were empty, though. Rey’s eyes travelled to her right, first. To the back wall, a few inches away from the point where the door had slammed, where Phasma stood with her arms crossed over her chest, her nostrils white and her mouth set in a thin, disapproving line.

She almost managed not to look at the far back corner of the room, to Phasma’s right, where she knew she’d find him. She should have known better. She should have known there wasn’t much she could to resist this magnetic force that attracted every cell in her body to him – that made her eyes wander towards him, wide and full of sorrow, and finally find him.

He was sitting on a chair, bent forward, elbows on his knees and eyes squeezed shut. His large fingers were pinching the bridge of his nose, and, though she _knew_ he could sense her there, he didn’t look up.

“Mr. Dameron will you please –”

“MURDER, this is MURDER and you –”

“Do I need to call security?”

“ – that these licenses have _obviously_ been defrauded and that –”

“ – can we try to pretend we’re all –”

There was a screaming match going on to her left. That much she knew. She couldn’t bring herself to look up, though. Couldn’t bring herself to look away from him as he sat there, unmoving, hands shaking and jaw clenched.

And then he moved.

She wouldn’t be able to say how long it took him, but he finally moved, bracing himself on the armchair as he stood up, eyes to the floor.

He didn’t even look at her when he made it past her in long strides, their shoulders brushing ever so slightly as he walked out the door.

She stood there for a long moment, eyes glued to the point where he’d disappeared, feet glued to the floor, before she finally bolted out the door as well.

She ignored the secretary on the phone, looking left and right as she reached the corridor. She could see a blur of charcoal flash to her left as he disappeared into an empty hallway, so she jogged after him, her breathing pained and heavy. He was several feet away, making his way towards the front lobby, when she finally called.

“Ben!”

He stopped dead in his tracks, his impossibly broad shoulders moving up and down in time with his breathing, but didn’t turn around. She didn’t stop, but kept moving forward in careful steps.

“Please, don’t to this, Ben. Please don’t go this way.”

Slowly, painfully slowly, he finally turned around, a strand of raven black hair falling over his forehead, his fists clenched. And, when she saw them – his locked jaw, his trembling lips, the pained furrow on his brow, his bright, watering eyes – she understood.

“You didn’t know, did you?”

The words fell from her lips unpolished, raw, and trembling, but he didn’t answer.

“You and Phasma,” she insisted, taking another step forward, her voice low and soft. “You didn’t know they were doing this.”

 Once again, he didn’t answer. His eyes just devoured her face feverishly, as if he were trying to memorize it. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly.

“Listen, I know you think you’re stuck with the decisions you made when you thought you were someone else….”

Two more steps forward, cautious and soft. Close enough to taste his warmth.

“…. But you’re not. You’re not stuck with them, and you’re not someone else. I know you, Ben. _I know you_.”

She knew he hated pomegranates with a fiery passion for no good reason, but couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that she thought dates looked like cockroaches. She knew he liked everyone to think he took his coffee black, but that he was a sucker for a little bit of vanilla sugar in it. She knew he fantasized about killing his cruel, heinous boss at least twice a day, and that it helped him keep his sanity. She knew he’d called his mother on his graduation day – the same graduation to which he hadn’t invited her – but that he’d hung up as soon as he heard her voice and then cried himself to sleep. She knew he despised Coldplay, but that he played their full discography anyway whenever Chewie was feeling down.

“I know you don’t want to do this. I know it’s tearing you apart.”

One more step. Close enough that she had to crane her neck to look up at him, causing the tears that had been pooling in her eyes to stream down her cheeks.

“It isn’t too late,” she whispered, offering him a teary, reassuring smile. “You don’t belong there. On their side. You know you don’t. You belong…”

_With me._

“With us. On our side. And you’ll do the right thing, I know you will.”

He looked down at her as if he’d forgotten how to speak. As if he’d forgotten what words were. As if he’d forgotten language was even a thing. His lips trembled as he searched her face for _something,_ his eyes darting between her eyes and her lips.

When she said it, it was barely a huff of air.

“I’ll help you.”

“Rey! Rey, what are you doing there?” Finn’s voice resounded in the empty hallway, making both of them take a step back. “Poe’s about to burn this shit down and Hutt’s calling the cops, _we need to go_.”

When she turned around to look at her friend, she saw a violent flash of red hair turning the corner right behind him.

“Solo, what do you _think_ you’re doing? Walking out of the room after you made a _fool of yourself_ in front of…”

He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Rey and Finn, a muscle twitching under his eye. His tone was ice cold when he spoke again.

“Shouldn’t you two be back there trying to control your little friend? Boyfriend, in your case,” he spat, throwing Finn the dirtiest look he could muster.

“Mate,” Finn said, his voice warped by fury. “He’s my mate.”

Stepping next to Finn, Rey felt her body shaking from head to toe.

“Of course. Whatever you hippies are doing these days,” Hux added matter-of-factly, waving his hand as if trying to shoo an impertinent fly away from his face.

And then it all happened very, very fast.

One second she was standing there, shaking with anger, her jaw clenched so hard she could hear her teeth grinding, and the next thing she knew Finn was hugging her from behind, his arms firmly wrapped around her chest, trying to hold her as she thrashed about and kicked the air, yelling every single offense and threat she’d ever learned in her lifetime.

There were many.

“YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT, SAY THAT AGAIN YOU FILTHY –”

“Rey, leave him, we need to go!”

“I’LL WIPE THAT GRIN OFF YOUR FACE WITH MY FOOT UNTIL YOU’RE CHOKING ON YOUR TEETH, YOU-“”

“REY, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WE NEED –”

There was nothing that could get her to stop screaming, though. Finn’s pleading voice in her ear, his arms pulling her back, trying to get her to stop thrashing, Ben’s forearm pushing Hux’s chest against the wall, trying to physically break the fight. Nothing could contain her fury.

Save for one thing.

The sound the tin made when it hit the ground was deafening, somehow louder than her screams. Weird, because it couldn’t have travelled far enough to build that much momentum. There must have been, what? Four feet, between her pocket and the floor? It sounded like a lot more, though, and the sound seemed to go on forever as the small container rattled and danced, spilling its contents on the granite floor.

The bright blue pills looked almost neon against cold beige.

Her chin trembled as Finn lowered her slowly to the ground, and she didn’t look up as she struggled out of his arms, her eyes fixed on the pills scattered on the floor.

The silence sounded even louder than the noise.

It was Hux who finally broke it.

“A Beta on suppressants? That’s a first.”

The amalgam of contentment and malice in his voice went straight to her stomach, making it churn. She opened her mouth, finally looking up from the floor, and the sly smile she found on his pasty face could have made her vomit, had her attention not been caught by Ben’s face. Unlike her, he was still looking at the pills on the ground, his lips slightly parted and a deep furrow between his brows. She meant to produce words, she really did, and she was most definitely about to, but Finn spoke first.

“Science is obviously not your forte, but even _you_ must have taken basic high school biology,” he said calmly. He knelt on the ground, gathering the pills in the palm of his hand and carefully putting them back in the tin. “When you probably learned Betas don’t need suppressants. _Omegas_ , on the other hand,” he continued in the most condescending tone Rey had ever heard him use, rattling the tin sarcastically as he stood up. “Especially Omegas who don’t plan on having their heat while a bunch of _psychopaths_ are trying to destroy their life’s work? They do.”

When Rey looked up at him, her heart was beating in her throat, loud and painful, which is probably why she couldn’t even swallow. Her mouth was too dry, anyway.

“And when they don’t have pockets,” Finn went on, patting his pocketless jogger pants with a mocking half smile. When he slid the tin back into Rey’s pocket, the smirk had become a spiteful grin. “Their friends carry them for them. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got a criminal real estate company to take down.”

Hux’s malicious grin had morphed into a disgusted grimace by the time Finn wrapped his arm around Rey’s shoulder, pushing her past the two men and down the hall.

She didn’t hear much after that. 

She barely registered Finn’s heated argument with Poe right outside the Mayor’s office, or Rose’s words as she wrapped her arm around Rey’s shoulders, saying something about getting out of there, going back to their headquarters, and regrouping. Barely heard the obscenities Poe bellowed over his shoulder as they made their way through the front lobby, or Finn’s hushed whispers to Rose as they entered the car, asking her to switch places with him.

She did feel it when his arms wrapped around her and tucked her into his side, though. She buried her head in his shoulder in response, a burning tear staining his brown leather jacket.

She heard it, too, when he whispered into her hair.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” she murmured, shaking her head and burying her face deeper into his shoulder, her arms tightly wrapped around his torso. “Not yet.”

He just nodded and kissed her hair, hugging her ever tighter.

“I love you. _We_ love you. And we’re here for you. All of us.”

“I know,” she whispered into his jacket, squeezing her eyes shut as the sound of the waves filled her ears.

She did.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was replying to last week's (kind, generous, incredible <3 <3) comments today and couldn't help noticing y'all just assumed Rey was going to screw it up big time, didn't you?? Poor Rey! lol  
> My bad, I guess! I know my Rey is extra angsty and a liiiitle over the top sometimes, but she's genuinely good and generous, guys. I promise. She'd never break his heart. I kinda based her reaction on Rey's canonical response to finding out Luke had created Kylo Ren ("BEN SOLO IS BABY AND HAS NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG IN HIS LIFE, YOU OLD ASSHAT. WATCH ME DO MY HAIR REAL NICE AND FEDEX MY ASS TO HIS SHIP.") 
> 
> I know this one was still angsty, but we're almost there. I promise! 
> 
> How did you feel about the way Rey handled it? Did you expect her to freak out and just ignore him? Can't wait to hear your thoughts! 
> 
> Love your faces!


	11. Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday, fam! 
> 
> To no one's surprise, Anisky's betaing keeps knocking it out of the park. Thank you so, so much, girl! <3

 

 

“That’s a bad idea.”

“I think you mean ‘great idea’,” Poe said, with a twinkle in his eyes everyone in the room was all too familiar with.

“Bad, bad idea,” Rose insisted, closing her eyes as she rubbed her temples and slumped back on the armchair.

From the depths of his designated beanbag, Finn grumbled and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“My head hurts.”

“No, no, guys, listen up,” Poe insisted, pressing his chest against the backrest of the chair he’d dragged to the middle of the room and was now seated on. “I’ve pulled all my cards, made all the phone calls…”

“We heard,” Rey muttered under her breath, the sound muffled by her chewing on her thumbnail. .

“ – Made _all the phone calls_ ,” Poe repeated as he gave her the side-eye, “and this is the only solution.”

Finn leaned over, his chin propped on his closed fist.

“Cool, I’ve never been to jail.”

“No one’s going to jail if we don’t get caught.”

“And how exactly are we supposed to break into their hotel rooms and not go to jail, oh, Insightful Mastermind?” Rose asked sarcastically, mimicking Finn’s pose.

Poe smiled brightly, snapped his fingers and pointed at Rose.

“Thank you babe, thought you’d never ask! So, here’s the deal. Artoo from the front desk told me they’ve rescheduled their meeting with Hutt, which puts them in City Hall from 8 to 9 p.m.”

“That’s in, like,” Rey sighed as she checked her phone. “Two hours.”

“Exactly, which means we have to move fast. Now. Hux and Phasma are staying at the Canto Bight, and Threepio happens to know a receptionist who can get us their keys.”

“I don’t think Phasma’s involved,” Rose said, shaking her head. Finn and Rey agreed with silent nods.

“She looked pissed.”

“Well, we can’t take chances. If we do this, we have to cover all our bases. This is a Hail Mary.”    

Finn wiped a hand down his face, his eyes closed.

“You don’t say.”

“Hey, I heard that. Not cool. So, Hux has the Presidential Suite, obviously, which is huge, so I’m thinking Finn and I should cover that together. Phasma’s room is a lot smaller, so I think Rose can handle that on her own.”

“What about me?” Rey asked, leaning forward. “Don’t I get to go to jail?”

Poe leaned back on the chair and raised his hands in the air with a smug twitch on his lips.

“Only if you get caught in Ben Solo’s apartment.” 

“Excuse me?!” she spat, her brow shooting towards her hairline.

“See, Reyrey, he’s not at the Canto Bight. He rented an apartment four blocks away from Maz’s diner, and I obviously don’t have the keys for that, but you,” he said, gesturing widely at her and smiling. “You happen to be the only one here who can pick a lock.”

“No,” Rey said flatly, shaking her head, her mouth going painfully dry. “No way.”

“Rey, I don’t think we…” Poe started, only to be interrupted by Finn’s stern voice.

“No, babe. Rey isn’t looking well today, she should stay behind for back-up.”

“We don’t need back-up; it’s not rocket science. Artoo will let me know when they leave City Hall, I’ll call everyone and we get the hell out.”

“Babe, this is a bad –“

“It’s the only idea we have, Finn! We can’t beat them if we play by the rules because _they_ don’t play by the rules!”

“Listen, I don’t think Solo’s involved either,” Rose said in her best diplomatic voice. “I have a gut feeling this is all Hux. Why don’t we all search _his suite,_ give it a nice comb through and _–“_

“Oh, he’s involved. Trust me, he’s involved,” Poe spurted out, his eyes narrowed. Inside her chest, Rey’s heart clenched. “And we can’t risk it, Rose. Going for all of them increases our chances of finding something. Computer files, emails, documents, _anything_ that proves they’ve defrauded the licensing process.”

Poe’s voice was a distant echo in Rey’s frazzled mind, her brain long lost in thoughts of what she’d come across if she said yes.

His apartment. His things. His smell. His life.

The life she’d been so sure she’d share with him only a few short hours before.

“I don’t like this,” she said with a strained voice, blinking back tears.

“I don’t like this either, Rey, trust me. And if anyone has a better plan, I’m all ears, but we’ve got five days. _Five days_ ,” he repeated, raising his open hand in the air for emphasis. “Until they start building. So I really think this might be our only hope.”

Her eyes roamed around the room, and she did her best to make them appear serene, keeping her jaw clenched and her chin high. She couldn’t hold Finn’s gaze for too long, though. Looking at his expectant, worried eyes and his pursed lips proved to be a little too much for her self-restraint, so she looked at Rose instead – at her obstinate stare and clenched jaw - trying to borrow some of her courage. It was the hope she found in Poe’s dark eyes that did it, though. 

“I’ll do it.”

“Yes!” Poe cheered, and his dark hair fell over his forehead as he spun around in his chair. “Okay, let’s go over the specifics, then!”

And that’s how Rey ended up right outside Ben Solo’s front door with her forehead pressed against the wood and her eyes squeezed shut.

 _I can do this_. _I can do this,_ she chanted over and over in her head _,_ and of course she could. She could probably pick a lock with her eyes closed.

It had been easy enough so far, hiding her bike in the alleyway behind the building, waiting for someone to open the front door and tricking them into holding it open with a bright smile and a warm, “Evening!”

As soon as she took the bobby pin down from her hair and held it between her fingers, she realized her hands were shaking, though, which proved to be a bit of a setback.

 _Get your shit together_ , she spat mentally, her lips set in a firm, straight line as she slid her tool into the lock.

In the darkness of the empty hallway, everything sounded exceptionally loud.

Some fumbling. Some shaking. Steps upstairs that sent her heart racing in her chest, but that turned out to be children playing. A door slamming on the first floor. A car honking in the intersection.

_Click._

 She let out a shuddering breath as she turned the doorknob, opened the door, and stepped inside as carefully as she could, slightly hunched, protected by the night but still exceptionally exposed.

The room was bathed in blue, and it took her eyes a few seconds to adjust to the moonlight.  

 The litter on the coffee table was the only indication that anyone lived here, so she skimmed over the crumpled up pieces of paper and empty bottles of beer as the door clicked shut behind her. He didn’t have a television – pictures, plants, rugs. _Nothing_. The living room was empty save for the table, a big blue couch, an empty bookshelf, and a high pile of carton boxes.

Rey swallowed, making sure to keep her nose completely inactive as she stepped carefully towards what seemed to be a hallway. To her right, the moon illuminated a neutral, standard looking kitchen, and she couldn’t help but smile at the remains of a watermelon that sat on the black countertop.

“Okay, computer. Documents,” she muttered.

She chewed on her bottom lip, her stomach turning at the possibility of actually finding…

 _No_. He didn’t know. She’d seen it in his eyes. She _knew_ him, so she just marched towards the hallway with her fists clenched, determined to get it over with as fast as possible.

In hindsight, she shouldn’t have been startled when Chewie emerged from the shadows right in front of her, stood on his hind legs, and planted his front paws heavily on her shoulders.

“Heeey, easy boy,” she whispered, probably louder than she should have. Chewie’s excited panting felt hot and moist against her cheek.  

“Yes, thank you, thank you, honey,” she cooed as she got down on one knee to give him a proper pat. He gave her a long lick on the cheek as she ran her fingers through his fur, and she chuckled.

“Such a good boy. How’s that cut treating ya, huh?”

At the mention of his injury, the dog lay down on the floor, as if trying to show her his shoulder, and though she couldn’t see much, she smiled brightly as she patted his belly.

“That’s amazing, buddy! Such a good patient! Yes, you are.”

Chewie let out his signature grunt-growl, his tongue hanging limply from the side of his mouth, and turned on his back so that his belly was fully exposed. Rey shot him a half-smile, raising a brow as he drooled on his own ears.

“Belly rubs, eh?”

She surrendered for a long moment, ruffling his thick fur and trying hard not to think about where she was, what she was doing, or what she was looking for. Maybe she could just stay here, playing with this giant teddy bear until Poe called. She’d then tell him she hadn’t found anything, get out of there and – yes, that sounded like a solid plan, she thought, nodding in the dark.

Or maybe…

“Hey, Chewie,” she whispered. The dog perked up his ears, drooling all over his own chest when he raised his head. “Tell me something, is there… hm… a place where your daddy keeps secret stuff? Stuff he doesn’t want anyone to see?”

The dog huffed out a low bark and fumbled on the floor before he stood up, panting excitedly.

“Really? Okay, cool! Can you show me?”

He barked again as he stomped his front paws on the floor, and then turned around, prancing happily down the dark corridor. Rey followed, guided mostly by the sound of his clacking nails, until they reached a door on the right side of the wall. It was half open, letting a stream of moonlight slide into the dark corridor. Panting, Chewie pushed it with his snout, walking inside with the same excited energy.

When Rey followed, her breath caught in her throat, and for a second she actually considered bringing her t-shirt over her nose to keep temptation at bay.

Because, sure enough, his dog had led her into Ben’s bedroom.

Before her stood a huge bed – _of course it’s huge, the man’s built like a fridge_ , she thought – covered by a deep blue duvet. A dark grey throw sat casually on the edge of the mattress, and she had to make a conscious effort not to walk over and sniff it.

Controlling herself was a little harder when her eyes wandered to the rack where his clothes hung. Every piece of clothing looked either black or dark gray in the half-lit room but, most importantly, everything looked like it would smell _divine_. She tore her eyes away quickly, wetting her lips as her eyes took in the big window on the opposite wall. Right under the windowsill, the moon illuminated a long mahogany desk, littered with a few blotched pieces of paper. As she drew closer, she realized the papers weren’t alone on the dark wooded surface: right next to a pile of them sat a half-unrolled leather pouch.

Rey had only seen it for a split second, but she’d recognize it anywhere: the one he’d hidden inside his jacket as soon as he’d locked eyes with her at his parents’ house. She traced her fingers gently over the old-looking leather – not his own purchase, certainly – unrolling the pouch to reveal a vast arsenal of drawing tools. Brush pens, charcoal, graphite pencils, fancy erasers, brushes of all shapes and sizes, _a glove_.

She smiled, running her forefinger over a cold silver crafts-knife that reflected the blue moon right outside the window. To her right, Chewie grumbled impatiently, tapping his nails on the floor to call her attention. When she looked at him, he was pointing his snout to the other side of the table, where the moon illuminated a wooden picture frame.

Rey took it in her hands and brought it closer to her chest, running her fingers over the cold glass.

He couldn’t have been more than 14 in that picture. Chewie looked smaller, too. Less fuzzy, maybe. Ben was sitting on the sand, both arms wrapped around the dog’s neck, a boyish smile on his face, and big ears poking out of his considerably shorter, but equally shiny hair. Behind them, an emerald green sea stretched into the horizon, sparkling and reflecting the setting sun in a million different directions.

Blinking fast, Rey looked back at Chewie, who was still pacing impatiently, probably waiting for her reaction. She reached for him and scratched the fur behind his left ear when he came closer, nuzzling her leg.

“Honey, I don’t think this is a secret… Daddy just keeps it here because he loves you, not because he doesn’t want anyone to see it.”

The dog grunted louder this time and shook his head as he turned around, pressing his snout to a drawer that sat right under the mahogany surface, which she hadn’t been able to see before. She frowned, licking her lips as her hand reached for the metal handle and pulled it gently.

Inside the empty drawer, sat what appeared to be a long, spiral sketchbook. She took it between her trembling fingers to set it down on the desk, and Chewie sat down by her side, seeming appeased as he gazed at her with shiny, expectant eyes.  

She spent a long moment just staring at it, trying to steady her heart and her hands, but her fingers were still clammy and shaky when she finally opened it.           

It felt like looking into a mirror.

It wasn’t the same, though, because in the mirror her reflection wasn’t made of long, elegant, delicate strokes, jet-black against yellowish off-white. A mirror might still show her hair thrown up in a messy bun, sure, or even her face twisted into an angry frown, jaw clenched and eyes blazing. Staring at her face on the paper, however, Rey was convinced her reflection would never show her anything as imposing  as what he’d drawn.

The lines swam across the paper, thin and precise, forming what was undoubtedly her face. Her mouth, her nose, her eyes – those were definitely _hers_ , objectively _hers_ , but still so foreign. Through his hands, she looked fierce. Brave. Imposing. Through his eyes, she exuded the same kind of threatening exuberance you’d find in a thunderstorm. The drawing was all in black and white, except from one vibrant, radiant flash of color.

A smear of green paint on her forehead, right where her skin met her hairline.

The dialogue that played in her head seemed to echo from another lifetime. 

 

_“Makes you wonder how that thing crawled out of her womb,” Poe murmured, biting his lower lip in concentration as Finn handed out sandwiches wrapped in tin foil._

_“Babe, that’s mean. She’d be heartbroken if she heard that,” Finn scolded, wiping his hands on his pants._

_“It’s no lie, though,” Rose insisted. “How many times has he visited his parents in the last decade? Three? And when he moves back it’s to do that? Special kind of asshole, if you ask me.”_

_Rey pulled her hair up in a bun sloppily, smearing green paint on her fringe in the process. She didn’t notice._

_“Guys, as much as I’d love to discuss Ben Solo’s character, we’ve got two hours until the hearing starts.”_

 

The tear that dripped from her chin painted a dark grey circle onto the paper, and the blotch spread out for a long moment, bleeding around the edges until she turned the page.

Sure enough, there she was again, taking a long sip from a bottle of water. It was so mundane, the way the water dripped down her chin; the way her ponytail disappeared into her hood; the way her fingers were loosely wrapped around the plastic. How did he make it look almost divine?

Throughout the edges of the page, a myriad of isolated portions of her face, in all different angles, elbowed one another for space. Her eyes danced back and forth as she took it all in. Her nose, her ears, her mouth, her eyes, drawn over and over  again like a mantra; like a hymn; like he’d been praying the rosary with his hands and she’d been his only prayer.

_Studies._

She flipped through a few pages of them before her full face showed up once more.

There she was, a small, tight smile on her lips, looking away from the observer. And then looking down at her hands, her lashes casting shadows on her cheeks. And then looking menacingly beautiful with her brows knitted together and her nostrils flared out, like lightning about to illuminate the night sky.

_Flip._

_Flip._

_Flip._

The flash of bright yellow was probably what caught her attention, because, for the first time in a dozen pages, she wasn’t drawn in black and white.

She was gold, myrrh, and sunshine, beaming at the version of herself that lived outside the paper. Behind her, the sun was setting, tinting the sky every single shade of pink and orange, but Rey soon realized the sunset wasn’t the light source of this drawing.

Her smile was.

It cast light onto _everything_ – the sparkly, deep green water around her; the yellow dress the wind was tugging at, making it look vibrant and luminous; her hair, making it look shiny and soft as it flew around her face.

She could recognize every little detail of herself – the dimples on her cheeks, the lines that formed around her eyes when she smiled, the sharp angles of her collarbones, the light splatter of freckles across her shoulders and her chest – but somehow it still felt like looking at someone else. Someone who radiated a luminous, gravity-shifting, all-encompassing aura that shone brightly enough to warp reality around her, making everything look as bright and as hot as a star exploding into a supernova.

_Magnetic._

A tear was hanging from the tip of her nose, tickling her skin there, so she dried it on her sleeve before turning the page again.

There was nothing.

She frowned, flipping again and again and again, but nothing but blank pages stared back at her.

Nothing, until she reached a thick, folded piece of paper tucked between two pages.

It was considerably larger than the sketchbook – it had to be, because it was folded in fourths and still covered the entirety of the yellowish page. Her fingers were still trembling when she wrapped them around it, brought it closer to her chest and unfolded it carefully, taking a deep breath.

Was it a bubble? It looked like a bubble, or maybe like a gigantic dew drop the night sky had laid upon the grass. It was already morning around the dew drop, though, and as it caught the light Rey realized it wasn’t water. It was glass.

The round, see-through structure was supported by what could only be described as a cage of life. Thick, irregular wooden branches sprouted from the floor, sprinkled with moss and newborn leaves, and cradled the glass dome as they embraced it, making it look almost geodesic in shape.    

Through the shiny glass that filled the spaces between the branches, she could see snippets of a house. Parts of it were integrated with the dome, opened out into the world, while others were detached from it, preserving a certain sense of privacy. Rey’s eyes took in the sand sprinkled on the grass around the structure, and it told her that the house sat very close to the sea.

 

**_Preferably a world where I can wake up and go to sleep every day inside a dome made of sea and life, looking out on an ocean that’s untouched by human greed._ **

****

Her own words echoed in her head, making her tears feel thick and hot as they streamed down her cheeks, unbidden.  She sat down slowly on the office chair in front of the desk, legs wobbly and hands shaking, and Chewie rested his head on her knee, grunting softly.

With her eyes closed, she ran her thumb over her lower lip, caressing the smile that had settled there. It tasted salty and right.

It wasn’t a conscious decision, breathing the air in the room as if it were water and she were dying of thirst. Not really. It was more of a natural instinct, something her body seemed to be learning to do whenever the truth was shining so vividly before her eyes that there was no way to ignore it. Whenever the road paved before her was so clear and so _right_ she was unafraid to take it in long strides, marching proudly to the place where she belonged.

She inhaled him once, twice, a thousand times. She lost count around the time numbers ceased to exist, time itself ceased to exist, leaving her alone to be devoured by the fire she’d willingly started inside her core.

His scent was thick in the air. Luminous. Holy.

Her fingers slid from her mouth to her gland as she took another deep breath. Under her fingertips, for the first time in a decade, her gland felt warm and tender against the cool, smooth skin around it. It didn't scare her, though. It couldn't scare this brand new version of her his light had forged. 

She was so high on hope and freedom, her phone didn’t even startle her when it buzzed inside her pocket.

“Hey,” she whispered, her voice thick and heavy.

 “Did you find anything?”

The frustration in Poe’s voice suggested he hadn’t. She ran her fingers over her gland absentmindedly, and her eyes wandered back to the sketchbook, peaceful and glimmering.

“No.”

“Okay, so get the hell out of there. They’re on their way.”

“Copy that.”

 _On his way_ , she thought as she shoved the phone back into her pocket. How _easy_ it would be for her to just wait. She was good at waiting, after all.

Would it be fair, though? Was this who they were?  Keeping secrets and waiting in dark rooms, invading each other’s space, lurking in the shadows, begging for affection ? No. They were daylight, open and bright, golden and real.

She could wait, sure, but she was done with waiting, she decided. Done with secrets, done with half-truths, done with loneliness, done with darkness.  She placed the sketchbook carefully back in the drawer and closed it as she nodded to herself.

She knew exactly what she had to do.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, I wonder what Rey could *possibly* have in mind! Could it mean... the end of the slow burn?  
> We'll see. *evil laughter*
> 
> I know this chapter was kinda uneventful, but it's really close to my heart because the scene where Rey finds the drawings is the reason why I wrote the entire story, LOL. Kill me. It just popped into my head one day, and at first I thought it might make a cute one-shot, but then the scene with the thala-sirens came to me too and somehow I knew they were connected. I just needed to figure out what the connection was, and that's how the fic came to be. I'm super nervous to put it out into the world, but also super excited to finally share it with you guys! 
> 
> Love your faces!


	12. The lighthouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you, Anisky, for being a literal angel, a beautiful human being, and the best beta to ever beta in the history of betas.

 

 

In her defense, Rey _had_ thought she knew what she had to do. As she erased the message for the tenth time in the span of half an hour, however, it didn’t seem that clear anymore.

Easier planned than done, apparently.

She stared at her phone for a long moment, hands clammy and shaky, and inhaled deeply as she closed her eyes. 

Three letters. Three letters and a question mark were all she needed to type.

_Ben?_

She’d told him her darkest secrets, her deepest fears, her wildest dreams, and somehow she couldn’t even call him by his name.

The clock on the wall ticked obnoxiously as she opened her eyes again and captured her bottom lip between her teeth. 

Five days. That was all the time she had to help him embrace the man he was and leave behind the one he’d convinced himself he was bound to become. Five days to pour her heart into his hands and give him the time to figure out what he wanted to do with it. Five days to make him see where he truly belonged – where he’d belonged all along, since his very first heartbeat.

With her.

_Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock._

The couch creaked under her legs when she crossed them and straightened her spine, inhaling deeply. His scent had been fading since she’d gotten home, but, as she reached a final decision, it seemed to intensify. For no apparent reason, it grew denser and thicker around her as she typed the message once more. It rekindled that delicious pressure in her lower abdomen that had her squirming and hoping that…

 _Priorities_ _, Rey,_ she told herself, swallowing thickly as she turned her attention back to her phone.

_Ben?_

It was uncanny, really, how strong his scent grew as her finger hovered above the send button _._ In the millisecond before she hit it, it was so intense it almost felt like…

BAM. BAM. BAM.

The pounding sounded like thunder against her door, deafening and violent, making the hinges rattle. The strength of the repeated impact made her recoil on the couch, wide eyed, as her head snapped towards the door.

BAM. BAM. BAM.

“Poe?” she called, her voice thin, but she knew it couldn’t be Poe. She’d called him half an hour before, as soon as she’d gotten home. He had her number, for crying out loud, so he had no reason to…

“Open the fucking door!” an impossibly deep voice yelled from the hallway, and a small huff of air escaped her lips as the sound soaked into her flesh.

She sat still for a long moment, so silent that the ticking clock sounded like a freight train. Silent, until he spoke again.

“Just… _please_.”

It was the cracked, desperate plea that jerked her out of her stupor, making her stagger to her feet and make for the door in slow, careful steps.

Was this real? Was she dreaming again? God knew she’d been dreaming about him an awful lot.

His scent wasn’t nearly as inebriating in her dreams, though, so it might well be real.

Her palms were sweating as she tried to unlock the door, so she fumbled with the lock for a few moments, causing the security chain to rattle against the wood. On the other side, she heard him let out a shuddering breath.

When the door finally creaked open, she found him with his hands braced on either side of the doorframe, his thick hair tousled beyond hope and his lips trembling.

“What the fuck did you do?” he spat before she could say anything. A stunned stretch of silence was all she could offer him in response.

His shiny eyes looked frenzied and wild as they devoured her face, his irises nearly consumed by his pupils.

“What the _fuck_ did you do?” he repeated, louder this time, working his lips furiously before he took two steps forward.

 She retreated into the living room by pure instinct, but didn’t flinch when he slammed the door behind him.

“It smells like you. _Everything_ smells like you. I can’t _breathe_ , I can’t _think_ , I can’t…”

He paced like a caged animal as he spoke, his face sculpted by equal parts rage and agony. When his voice broke, he ran his hand through his hair, desperate and lost, clearly struggling to hold onto a last wisp of self-control. 

“My dog, my fucking _dog_ smells like you, you’re all over my _bedroom_ and I can’t…”

As he opened and closed his mouth, unable to bring himself to finish the sentence, the tears that had been straining his voice finally flowed into his eyes, leaking down his cheeks.

“What the fuck did you do?” he repeated in a low, subdued murmur. The hands that had been fisted by his sides unclenched, defeated, and he stopped pacing for a heartbeat before taking half a step in her direction. “ _What are you_?”

She offered him a shy smile as he said the words, cocking her head. His lips were trembling when she closed the distance between them in careful steps.

“You know what I am.”

Her eyes shot down to his elbow as she drew closer, and she reached out to touch it, causing him to snatch his arm out of her reach.

“What are you…”

“Doing?” she completed softly. When he shuddered, she looked up at his eyes and smiled again. “Showing you.”

Her hand reached for his elbow again, and she exhaled when her fingertips grazed the thick fabric of his button up shirt. She caressed it for a moment, her eyes fixated on the spot where their bodies met, and then slid her fingers slowly down his forearm, reveling in the solid warmth that lay right underneath the cotton. When her skin finally touched his hand, she swallowed, her eyes flickering up to his again. Slowly, she brought her free hand to the nape of her neck and threw her hair over her left shoulder, leaving the right side of her neck exposed.

He didn’t seem to pay attention to anything she was doing with her hair, though. His eyes were set on her face so firmly she felt like they might never move again – never look away, never look at anything else.

She wouldn’t mind.

Once again, he seemed to have forgotten language was even a concept. His chin quivered when her fingers curled around his hand, squeezing it gently before guiding it towards the exposed skin of her neck. She raised her left hand in time with his, so that her fingers touched his gland at the exact same time she placed his hand on hers.  

It was like she could see it reflected in his eyes – the exact moment when he felt the soft, swollen, warm texture of her gland under his fingertips. He gasped almost inaudibly, his wide eyes darting towards her neck, and she knew in her gut the skin he saw there must be pinkish by now.

A silent tear escaped the corner of her eye as she smiled another small smile, barely a curl of the corners of her lips. Her thumb traced the edges of his gland in slow, adoring circles, and she reveled in the warm, rough texture under its tip.

Every bit an Alpha’s gland.

“You know what I am. You’re the only person in the world I’ve ever told.” Her voice was soft and low, barely a murmur meant for just the two of them, much like their late night confessions or their early morning banter. “The only one I’ve ever trusted with the monsters under my bed.”

Another tear chased the first one down her face as she wet her lips and swallowed thickly. Slowly, she slid her fingers up his neck, tracing his jawline for a moment before cupping his cheek. The hand she still had wrapped around his wrist guided his own hand upwards, bringing it to rest on the side of her face as well.

“But you also know _who_ I am. You might be the only one that knows that, too.”

A tear slid down his face as he sucked in a ragged breath, and she caught it with her thumb, grazing his cheekbone in the process.

“You know who I am, and I know who you are, and that’s… That’s enough, isn’t it? You said it yourself: not sacrificing who we were at the shrine of what they expected us to be. Wasn’t that the plan?”

Their faces were inches away when he parted his trembling lips again, letting out a huff of air that tickled her face.

“It _is_ you,” he rasped, and she caught another tear with her thumb.

She leaned into his touch as he cupped her cheek, feeling the pad of his thumb draw a crescent moon under her eye. Glistening under the yellow light of her living room, his eyes consumed her as if she were the very same night sky that selflessly studded the dark surface of a sleeping ocean with a thousand pulsing stars.

“I knew I wasn’t falling in love with two people at the same time,” he murmured, his face coming even closer to hers. “It’s you. Just you.”

She smiled up at him as she finally let go of his wrist, bringing her hand to rest on his shoulder.

“And I knew I couldn’t be horny for an irredeemable asshole.”

He huffed out a laugh, smiling a teary version of that boyish, dimpled smile she’d learned to crave.

“You’ll stand with us. _With me_. I know you will,” she whispered.

His eyes flickered down to her lips, sweet and raw.

“What were you looking for? In my apartment?”

“Anything to incriminate the First Order.”

He smiled again as his eyes rose back to meet hers, brimming with something that looked a lot like pride.

“And what did you find?”

Pictures of her own face translated to ink and paper flashed inside her head, but it was the image of a dome of life overlooking the sea that made her push up on her toes and press her lips to his.

It was soft and gentle, barely a stroke of her mouth on his lower lip that whispered _I’m here;_ that murmured _our home, I want it, too_.

She held the kiss for a moment in which the world seemed to go completely still. Clocks, engines, chatter, bustling streets, screeching tires, clinking glasses, _the sea itself_ – everything seemed to go silent as their lips touched. Everything but the sound of his breathing and the beating of her heart.

When she retreated, rocking back down from her tiptoes, his face followed hers as if his body had learned to orbit her gravity, just like her body had learned to orbit his. Their eyes locked for seconds. Minutes. Years. Hard to tell, when time had ceased to exist.  

Her cheek felt cold when his fingers left it to go tangle in her hair, his hand so big that he still managed to trace her jawline with his thumb. His free hand landed on her hip, a light, barely-there touch that made her bones shine so brightly they ignited her flesh. As he took a deep breath, inhaling her scent, the serenity in his eyes made her smile, because it told her he wasn’t afraid of the fire anymore.

 _Been there_ , she thought with a grin.

When he closed the distance between their lips again, there was nothing serene about it, though. It was as if he’d been lost in the desert and she was an oasis; as if he’d been starving and she was a feast. It was as if he’d been lost at sea, adrift for years, and had finally found a lighthouse to lead him back to shore.

He crashed violently against her, bruising, all teeth and tongue and lips and salt. She reveled in the impact as she held onto him, tangling her fingers in his hair and digging her nails into his chest.

As it turned out, she’d been adrift, too.

She gasped into his mouth when he tugged at her hair and tilted her head to deepen the kiss, drenching her tongue in the taste of him. His grasp on her hip was bruising, now, and his thumb dug sharply into her hipbone as he pulled her closer to him, as if he couldn’t bear the idea of leaving any distance between them.

It was impossible, of course. There would always be distance between two objects – it was atomically impossible to truly touch anything, as the electrons orbiting the nucleus of the atoms would always repel each other. That’s what they’d told her in college.

Ben and Rey seemed determined to try, though. In fact, obliterating the space between them seemed to have become their sole purpose in life when he yanked her hips to his body and she arched her back in response, taking advantage of her fingers in his hair to pull his mouth further into hers.

They both moaned in unison as his erection grinded against her stomach, and the sound of their voices blended seamlessly in the quiet night air.

He eventually abandoned her mouth after what might have been a long summer, and she whimpered in protest, mourning the sun, tugging at his hair to bring him back. He just offered her a soothing nibble on her lower lip before his mouth traveled down her chin and ventured to her neck.

When his tongue dragged over her gland, a cry fell from her lips, barely high enough to drown out the animalistic grunt that escaped his. His mouth exploded a dam inside of her, and the destruction flooded her body with this shiny, blinding pleasure that escaped in gushes as he sucked and nibbled, each scrape of his teeth making her gasp for air.

“You taste even better than you smell,” he growled into her skin, his nose tucked under her jaw. “How’s that even _possible_?”

The sound of his voice rippled across the surface of her skin, causing a flaming fist to clench everything inside her lower abdomen.

“Ben,” she panted, her hand fisted in his shirt. “Please, it _hurts_.”

“Shhh, I’ve got you,” he whispered, and she whimpered when his mouth left her neck, kissing its way back to her face. “I’ve got you. I’ll give you everything. _Anything._ The world.”

He took a step forward, capturing her lips again, and she stepped backwards, shadowing his movement, pushed by the sheer power of his gravity. They glided in synchrony across the living room in a tangle of gasps, moans, licks, and gloriously painful bites, knocking everything out of their way as they moved.

Rey heard an indignant meow somewhere to her right when they hit a floor lamp, nearly knocking it over, but Ben licked the inside of her mouth with a guttural growl at the same time, making it hard for her to care about it. She focused on her hands instead, trying to undo the buttons of his shirt blindly as they finally stumbled into her bedroom.

When her knuckles grazed the exposed skin on his chest, he wrapped his hands around her waist and broke the kiss to dive into her neck again. Iron and salt coated her mouth as she sank her teeth into her bottom lip, struggling to undo the last button and help him out of his shirt.

As soon as he’d freed his arms from the sleeves, he brought one hand back to her waist, sliding the other one upwards, towards her neck. His fingers wrapped gently around her throat as he mouthed at her gland, thumb pressed to her pulse point, his grasp just tight enough for her to feel its weight. They moved backwards, intertwined, until the backs of her knees hit the edge of her mattress. When they did, he increased the pressure on her windpipe, silently telling her to sit down, and she did, mewling when his mouth lost contact with her skin.

“Beautiful,” he muttered as his hand slid up from her throat to her chin, tilting her face upwards. “You’re so fucking _beautiful_.”

His thumb dragged over her lower lip, and she nibbled at it, looking up at him through her lashes. The glow his skin radiated, under the moonlight that streamed in through the window, was almost blue.  His free hand traveled down to the hem of her t-shirt, and she helped him pull it over her head, eclipsing the sight of him for a split second. When she looked up again, it felt like standing at the foot of a skyscraper as a child, marveling at its lights as they stretched endlessly towards the stars.

The sight didn’t last long, though, because one second he was standing up, larger than life itself, and the next thing she knew he was kneeling slowly between her legs, brushing his lips against hers before licking a long stripe along her collarbone.

She sucked in a shuddering breath, her head lolling back as he cupped one of her breasts with one hand and captured the other one with his tongue, sucking her nipple into his mouth. Her fingers slid into his hair, scratching his scalp as he sucked, his deep moans reverberating on her skin.

“Ben, please, I…”

“I know, I know, sweetheart, just let me…”

He didn’t finish the sentence, but _worship you_ seemed like a fitting ending, judging by the way he sucked and nibbled his way down her sternum as if tasting her skin was a religious experience.

He unbuttoned her jeans with a feverish sense of urgency, keeping his mouth on her skin as his fingers struggled to undress her. The mattress creaked when she shimmied out of the thick fabric, and the cool night air rose gooseflesh up and down her thighs. Or maybe it was the way his muscles rippled under his skin when he gave her pants and underwear a final tug and tossed them aside. Or, then again, maybe it was the way his hands encircled the entirety of her waist when he wrapped them around it. Hard to tell.  

“I just need to…”

 _Devour you._ Maybe _devour you_ were the words he was looking for, because, when his mouth claimed her skin again, that’s what it seemed like he was going to do.

There was no rhyme or reason to the way he licked and sucked the sensitive skin under her navel; no apparent reasoning behind it other than to engrave her taste on his tongue, and somehow that made the ache between her legs almost unbearable.

That’s probably why she whimpered so loudly when he buried his face between her legs without warning, licking a burning path through her folds.

“ _Perfect._ Such a perfect little cunt. _So ready for me_. So ready to…” 

It was hard to hear everything he was saying when his voice was muffled by her swollen, slick-coated flesh. To be completely honest, she stopped trying after a particularly vigorous lick that made her plop back with a strangled cry, her head bouncing on the soft mattress.

“….and you’ll take it so good, won’t you? All this slick just for… shit, baby, it tastes…”

He couldn’t seem to stop talking, and the rumble of his voice made her skin vibrate. Combined with the hot, erratic work of his lips and tongue, the sensation was explosive. It made her whimper and arch her back, hands fisted in his hair, pulling and tugging viciously.

If he felt any pain, he didn’t complain. On the contrary, he grunted and moaned into her skin, hooking his hands behind her knees and bringing her legs over his shoulders as he dove deeper into her. His hands traveled down her thighs, bruising, and he dug his fingers on her hips, yanking her to his mouth.

She yelped, pulling his hair again, her breathing painful and ragged. There was nothing planned or strategic about the way he devoured her; no calculated progression in the rhythm or intensity; no carefully orchestrated swirl of his tongue or brush of his lips. It seemed like a desperate, chaotic effort to devour her, and the pressure it built inside her core was finally too much.

The orgasm exploded out of her. There was no other way to explain the sudden burst of blinding pleasure that erupted, unannounced, throughout her body, making the dark night around her flash white. One second she was squirming and whimpering, trying to thrash about inside the cage of his hands, desperate for _him_ , for _more_ , and the next thing she knew she was shaking violently, gasping for air, slick pouring out of her in quantities that she’d probably find embarrassing if she could bring herself to care.

The man between her legs seemed oblivious to the fact she’d already come, though, because the rhythm of his licking and sucking didn’t waver when she came down from her high, her body still shuddering with the aftershocks.

“Ben…”

“Shhh, just one more, just….”

“Ben, I….”

“One more, sweetheart, can you give me one more? Just…”

He kept licking as he pleaded, and her entire body contracted when he gave her clit a long, hard suck, apparently determined to drink every last drop of slick that came out of her.

“There, such a good girl. _My girl_. Do you need me to knot you? Is that what you want? Will you let me…”

She was so drunk on his words she didn’t see it coming, the finger he slid inside of her, making her jaw fall open in a silent, soundless cry.

 _Feral._ It was the only way she could describe the way he lapped at her, his tongue hard and scorching, lips coated in her slick, and fucked her with his finger at the same time, swirling it inside her every now and again.

She tried to arch her back every time he did it, but his other hand was strong enough to pin her in place so effortlessly it was like she was cemented to the mattress.

“Ben, please…”

“You’re so close, I can feel it – your cunt’s clenching so _pretty_ around me I…”

When a second finger joined the first one, she let out a proper cry, digging her nails into his scalp as she pulled him further into her. His fingers twirled again, pushing against some luminous spot inside her that made her toes curl and her skin spasm. It felt like scratching the skin right on the side of a persistent itch: not _exactly_ what she needed - but enough to make her crumble again.

It didn’t really feel like a second orgasm. She hadn’t even come down from the first one yet, so it just felt like the fading electricity reignited, sending her body quivering and convulsing again, clenching around his fingers in search of something more.

“So pretty, so good,” he mumbled as he kissed his way up her torso, her legs still wrapped around his shoulders.  “Your smell… _fuck_ , the things you _do_ to me.”  

He licked a long strip on the inside of her leg as he crawled on top of her, pressing his chest against the back of her thighs. With her body still shuddering, Rey scooted back towards the middle of the bed, making the space for him to kneel, knees pressed to her butt, her thighs limp and heavy against his torso.

His eyes devoured her just as ferociously as his mouth had as he undid his belt, the wetness on his lips and chin glimmering obscenely under the moonlight. He kissed her ankle, which lay lifelessly on his shoulder, as he threw his belt to the side and unbuttoned his dress pants, tugging them down his hips.

 _That has to be painful_. It was the first thought that crossed her foggy, drowsy mind as his cock slid out of his boxers, angry and swollen, pre-come glistening on its tip.  

 _It won’t fit_ would have been the natural follow-up thought under any other circumstances, because there was no way she could take anything nearly that big inside her.

These weren’t normal circumstances, though. As the afterglow of her orgasms wore off, she was left with nothing but this burning hollowness in her core, and it seemed to grow more painful with each second that went by. Desperate for friction, she wiggled her hips against his knees as he struggled out of his pants. It wasn’t exactly friction that she needed, though, was it? No, she needed _something else,_ this _thing_ her body had been humming about for hours now, that _something_ that would make the dull, throbbing ache finally go away.

As she looked at him, chest heaving and hair splayed over the mattress like a halo, she knew exactly what that _something_ was, and she had no doubt it would fit _perfectly_. 

Kicking his pants to the floor, he leaned down again, hooking his hands behind her knees and parting her legs as their faces drew nearer. By the time he braced his forearms on either side of her head, she had him caged between her thighs, heels digging into his lower back. She could feel the heavy, damp weight of his cock on her belly as he brushed his lips against hers, caramel eyes glimmering in the blue bedroom.  

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he murmured against her lips, his voice hoarse, but somehow less desperate than it had sounded when his face was buried between her thighs. “This knot thing, I don’t know –”

“Me neither,” she interrupted softly, cupping his face and brushing his hair away from his eyes. “We’ll figure it out together.”

He nodded, his eyes dark and bottomless as they drank hers in, and she smiled, pulling his head down to kiss her. His mouth tasted sweet and tangy at the same time, and it took her a moment to realize it was her taste that he had on his tongue.

He was still kissing her when he aligned himself with her entrance, parting her with the tip of his cock, the feeling brand new and foreign, but still gloriously familiar at the same time. She gasped into his mouth as it slid in, and he broke the kiss, chest heaving, clearly making a herculean effort to keep it together as he rested his forehead against hers.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just…” she murmured, nuzzling his nose.  “I mean, that’s what slick’s for, right?”

His husky laugh tickled her cheek, and he planted a feather light kiss there, lingering for a moment. With his gland only a few inches away, his scent was inebriating. It seemed to make her entire body expand, shifting to accommodate him, and the blissful feeling gave her an idea.

“My gland, if you… When you were mouthing at it… I think it might help.”

 _I think it might feel glorious. I think it might make me burst,_ was probably what she meant, but she was in no position to worry about the precision of her vocabulary. Under her fingers, his muscles tensed, and he let out a pained sigh against her cheek.

“I…” he muttered, not rising to meet her eyes. “I don’t think I can trust myself not to bite you. Not when…”

He didn’t finish the sentence, but _not when I’m inside you_ hung thickly in the air around them.

“Oh,” she mouthed, wrapping her hands around his shoulders. “Right, maybe if I…”

She carded her fingers through his hair, pecking his lips before kissing her way down his neck. His entire body shuddered above her as she dragged her lips over his gland, and his hips stuttered, pushing him further inside of her. She inhaled sharply, kissing the rough skin of his gland again before she sucked it into her mouth.

At that moment, she didn’t really know where the pleasure was coming from. Part of it was certainly due to him sliding into her, impossibly thick and impossibly warm, stretching and swelling, filling her to the brim with a blissful, glorious sense of completeness. Another part of it definitely came from the noises he was making next to her ear - the long, choked moans that fed into the pleasure between her legs to the point where she could actually feel slick dripping down her groin.

A very good chunk of the pleasure, however, came from his taste in her mouth. He tasted like seasalt and driftwood; like summer afternoons and ringing laughter; like kept promises and endless sunsets where the beach bended north. _Bright_. Bright and warm and right, just like he felt between her legs as he pushed inside her, panting heavily into her hair. It obliterated any sense of time and space, up and down, day and night, right and wrong. It reduced her to pure, untainted _feeling_ \-- the all-encompassing, glorious, wholesome feeling of being home.

“ _Rey_.”

Her name slid down her body every time it fell from his lips, painting every inch of skin it touched golden.

 _Good._ He tasted so _good_ , he felt so _good_ , he sounded so _good_ moaning and growling into her ear that she was suddenly overcome with the thought that it would be _so easy_. One bite, one sink of her teeth into the rugged, burning skin of his gland and this would be hers – _he_ would be hers. Forever.

Tearing her mouth away from his neck felt like swimming against a violent tide, and the way his arms trembled when she did it felt like a mighty wave pushing her back to the high seas.

“No, don’t… don’t stop, please,” he panted, sweat dripping from his forehead onto her shoulder, and she wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her forehead to his.

“I don’t think I can trust myself not to bite you,” she whispered against his mouth, and he growled, sinking his teeth into her bottom lip and making her taste iron again.

His arms also seemed to finally give in, because they shook violently as he lay on his right side, cradling her head and coaxing her body to accompany his.

The hand that lay between her head and the mattress caressed her lower lip, and he captured her mouth again before his left hand descended towards her right thigh, riding her bent leg further up his ribcage. The new position allowed him to go deeper, and she threw her head back with a cry when he pounded into her, hitting a spot that sent her spiraling with pleasure and pain.

“Beautiful, so beautiful. Taking me so good,” he breathed against her windpipe, licking and nibbling her skin as his rhythm became frantic. The position also made the swelling base of his shaft graze her clit every time he thrust his hips, making every muscle in her lower body clench with dizzying, numbing pleasure.

He tightened his grasp on her hair, pulling her face closer to his and keeping her lips a hairbreadth away from his as he stared into her eyes.

“Can you come like this? Do you need me to…”

“No,” she panted, pressing her nose to his, her nails digging into his biceps. “No, I can, I… _holy fuck, Ben_.”   

She gasped as he hit that spot again and again and again, his knot swelling with each thrust, grinding harder against her clit.

“Fuck, Ben I’m… _fuck_.”

It didn’t feel like an explosion, this time around. It felt more like a wave engulfing her and taking her under, submerging her in a sea of lips, whispered promises, pleasure, and _him_.

She could barely recognize her voice as she sobbed out his name, completely unable to move as he pinned her in place with one hand in her hair and another one on her hips. Flashes of caramel shone through the wet veil that blurred her vision, all seafoam and saltwater, as she fought her way back to the surface.  

It was almost a shock when he stopped moving, as if the crashing sea around her had gone still all of a sudden. The sound that escaped his chest as he pressed his lips to her face was more animal than man, and it took Rey a moment to realize he’d stopped because he couldn’t move anymore.

In the haze of her own orgasm, she hadn’t realized how much his knot had swollen inside of her, but she was slowly starting to feel it, now: the stinging, scintillating, sublime sensation of being filled to the brim with him, unable to tell where he ended and she started.

He stayed there for a long moment, shuddering, muscles clenched and lips pressed to her cheek as he came inside her. It seemed to go on forever, or, then again, maybe it was just because time and space had long since ceased to exist.

“Are you… Is it…” he murmured against her skin when he finally stopped shaking, and she pulled back an inch to look him in the eye.

“It feels amazing,” she whispered, her voice still raspy.

He smiled as she ran her fingers through his damp hair, his fingers drawing lazy circles on her hip.

“Good.”

“Good.”

The smile she had on her face was almost painful when she buried her head in the crook of his neck, panting and inhaling the scent of the sea as she washed up on the shore.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo.... Yeah. That happened. I know this has been a *super angsty*, *super slow* slow burn, and I'm sorry for all the pain and suffering my cliffhangers have caused. I just love reading slow burns because I feel like the building tension makes for a more meaningful/satisfying reading experience when they finally come together, so I'm really hoping you felt something similar reading this one! *fingers crossed, stomach in knots*
> 
> Lol, knots. See what I did there? 
> 
> Alright, I'll see myself out. 
> 
> Before I do, though, I'd like to thank you all so, so, SO much for every single hit, kudo, bookmark, and comment. We reached 5000 hits, 400 kudos, and 100 bookmarks with chapter 11, and though I know those numbers are far from impressive by reylo fandom startdards, I can't find the words to tell you how much they mean to me. I'm a small writer who feels deeply uncomfortable with self-promotion, so sometimes I just catch myself thinking, "Man, these people were just scrolling through AO3, minding their own business, read my summary and thought, yeah, sounds like fun, I'll give it a go!" It seriously blows my mind every time. I just want you to know how much I love and appreciate every single one of you. You make me want to keep writing. 
> 
> Thank you. I love your faces <3


	13. Dry Land

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, fam! AO3 will be down for a few hours tomorrow, so I though I'd post this one today! Better safe than sorry, right? 
> 
> As always, thank you to Anisky for her flawless beta-ing <3

 

 

_Meooooooow._

“No,” Rey grumbled into the solid, warm mass her head lay on. “Go away.”

She nuzzled into whatever this pillow was, causing the warm cocoon wrapped around her to embrace her body even tighter. With her eyes still closed, she sighed happily, thinking that –

_Meoooooow._

“Hi, Bebe. Nice to meet you, too. I’ve heard so much about you.”

Her pillow rumbled beneath her head as it spoke. In the dark, it took her a moment to register she had her arms wrapped around Ben, one leg draped limply over his hips. His chest felt gloriously firm, yet warm and soft against her face.

When she didn’t open her eyes, Bebe meowed again, booping Rey’s nose with her paw. The husky laugh that escaped Ben’s chest made it vibrate, and she buried her face in his skin to hide a smile.

“Is this a joke to you?”

“Yeah.”

When her eyes fluttered open, the first thing they saw was Ben’s huge hand scratching Bebe behind her ear. The cat purred happily, nuzzling against his knuckles, and his chest vibrated against Rey’s cheek again. The sight made her feel even warmer somehow, if that was even possible given how snugly she was tucked in his arms.

“What is it, kitty? Can you see the bottom of your food bowl?”

“No,” Rey mumbled, pressing a sleepy kiss to his chest. “She just wants to sing us a tale from her people’s lore.”

“At two in the morning?”

“Yeah.”

“And won’t food help?”

Rey yawned, pushing up on her elbow to look the cat in the eye. Bebe meowed again, louder and longer, and Rey plopped back on his chest, nestling in his arms.

“Nope. Only wet food.”

“Can’t we give her wet food?” he asked, his voice muffled by her hair as he planted a kiss on the crown of her head.

“Rewarding bad behavior.”

“Right.” 

His fingers drew a long path up and down her spine, making her skin bump under his touch. She purred like a cat in response, shifting on his chest so she could hide her nose under his jawline. Her lips brushed his Adam’s apple, travelling slowly towards the edge of his gland, and his muscles tensed under her wandering hands when she –

_Meoooooooow._

“I’ll go get her the wet food.”

“Please,” Rey sighed, nose tucked under his jaw, making him chuckle.

“Where is it?”

“Bottom cabinet, third drawer.”

He hummed into her hair as he untangled their limbs, and she had to keep herself from mewling when her skin lost contact with his. Her eyes followed him as he climbed down from the bed, bent down to pick up his boxers, and pulled them up his legs. The muscles on his back looked even more pronounced in the chiaroscuro of the middle of the night, and she bit her lower lip, squeezing her thighs together as she nestled under the blankets.

“C’mon,” he called, his voice as deep and velvety as the night around them. Obedient for the first time in her life, Bebe hopped down to the floor, following him to the door.

“Ben?” Rey called when he was about to cross the threshold. A blur of orange fur slid elegantly between his legs when he stopped.

“Yeah?”

They’d left the lights in the living room on, as she realized when he turned around to face her, hand on the doorframe. The luminosity enveloped him from behind, bleeding through his profile and tinting the edges of his hair golden.

“Don’t give her the tuna one. Makes her stinky.”

“Yes, ma’am,” he said, shooting her a crooked half-smile that seemed to channel every single Solo gene in his body. 

When he walked out of the room, she closed her eyes, basking in the scent his presence had embedded into the night around her. Damp sand and home swirled in the air, blending with the faint moonlight, and she sighed into the pillow, listening to the silence for a long moment. It didn’t last long, because a cacophony of sounds soon filled the fluttering darkness behind her eyelids: drawers opening, tins rattling, his warm voice asking Bebe something, her answering meow. They all merged together in the air, mixing with his scent in an intoxicating cocktail that made her body melt, going limp and boneless under the sheets.

The rattling of pans was the last thing she heard before sleep claimed her again.

 

_________

 

His breath felt hot and wet on her skin when he planted a long, tingly kiss on her neck.

“Wake up,” he whispered, the puff of air that escaped his lips with the words making the hairs on the back of her neck stand up.

“No,” she grumbled, face half buried in the pillow. “ _You_ get your ass back here.”

He chuckled, caressing her thigh through the duvet as his lips rose to her cheek and planted a peck there.

“I made you oatmeal.”

“What?” she asked, opening one eye to look up at him. “It’s…”

She had to wait for her pupils to focus before she could read the time on her alarm clock. Next to it, illuminated by the red light, sat a steaming green bowl.

“2:30.”

“And did you have dinner yesterday?”

“None of your business,” she mumbled into the pillow. The corners of her lips curled into a smile when his fingers travelled upwards, tracing the shape of her waist.  

 “And did you have lunch yesterday?”

“A whooole entire apple.”

“ _Rey._ ”

“I’m not hungry,” she drawled, rubbing her eyes. “Can’t you just come cuddle?”

“We have to do this right, sweetheart,” he whispered against her forehead as he pressed his lips to it. “The safe, healthy way.”

With a long sigh, she pushed up on her elbows. He mirrored her movement, sitting up in bed as he eyed her expectantly.

The duvet slid down her torso as she sat up, making her nipples pebble under the chilly night air. His eyes darted downwards immediately, and she grinned, raising one brow teasingly.

“I’m naked.”

“Yeah.”

Her grin widened as she leaned in to plant a soft kiss on his parted lips, amused by his dumbstruck expression.

“Can you get me something to throw on?”

“No.”

“It’s really cold. My nipples are getting really –“

“Oh, _fuck me_ ,” he muttered under his breath. She laughed again as he leaned down, admiring the shades of blue the night weaved into his hair while he felt for any piece of clothing in the dark. When he threw his own dress shirt on her lap, she smiled devilishly.

“Later, maybe,” she purred, making a show of putting on the shirt and buttoning it. “ _Alpha_ says I have to eat now, and _what can I do_ but obey?”

She batted her lashes sarcastically, but the joke seemed to strike a chord, because he growled low in his throat, leaning in to bite her shoulder.

“Nah-ah,” she said, enjoying herself more than she probably should. “Nutrition first.”

Her lips brushed his as she leaned over to grab the bowl, and he sighed against her mouth, adjusting himself inside his boxers.

“Bit of an issue there?”

“Shut up.”

“Yes, sir.”

She smiled around the spoon, looking up at him through her lashes. Her sleepy brain was still struggling to come up with a little more teasing when the perfect amount of sweetness exploded in her mouth, making her hum.

“Good?” he whispered, tilting his head and smiling as he tucked a tendril of hair behind her ear.

“Perfect,” she answered through a mouthful, manners forgotten. He didn’t seem to mind, because his smile widened even more, his eyes roaming her face adoringly. “Did you use the–”

“Almond milk, yeah.”

“Good, ‘cause the cashew milk was –“

“Expired,” he completed, running the pad of his thumb over her cheekbone. “I know. I smelled it.”

Her lips turned downwards in an exaggerated disgusted frown, accompanied by an apologetic shrug.

“Sorry?”

“It’s okay,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve always wanted to die a martyr.”

She leaned into his touch as she laughed, humming again when a little bit of sourness peeked through the sweetness in her mouth.

“God, I love –“

“Raspberries. I know.”

His face looked even more striking now, all angles and shadows under the faint light coming in through the window. It made the dimples on his cheeks look even deeper when he smiled.

“You do, don’t you?”

“I do,” he whispered, his eyes glimmering as they locked with hers.  

She ate in silence for a few moments, unable to repress the silly smiles he coaxed out of her every time he ran his fingers through her hair, drew circles on her exposed knee, or swallowed thickly when she licked the spoon.

“I’m not on enhancers,” he said eventually. The tone of his voice indicated the words had been sitting in his throat for a while, just waiting to be said.

“Figured as much,” she smiled, raising her eyes to meet his. The pensive pucker on his forehead made her heart flutter.

“What is it, then? That’s making you…”

He trailed off as his eyes wandered to her neck, his large fingers brushing her hair away from her gland. 

“I think,” she began, swallowing. “You’re just… you know. A natural occurring CES.”

“A what?”

She laid the spoon down as she licked her lips, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“You haven’t read much on Reversion Therapy, have you?”

He shook his head negatively, and she nodded, cocking her head.

“Well, it consisted of exposing the neutralized person to these synthetic pheromones that were custom made to trigger such a strong biochemical reaction it basically made them present again. Like jump starting their endocrine system. Customized Endocrine Stimulants. CES.”

Ben worked his jaw, averting his gaze for a moment as he nodded.

“So you think my pheromones…”

“Are an organic version of what my CES would be, yeah. And vice versa, because you could smell me before I reverted, so…”

He exhaled heavily when his eyes searched for hers again.

“What are the odds?”

“Infinitesimal,” she said, smiling as she shrugged. Her heart clenched when he didn’t smile back

“I _did_ do this to you, then.”

“Ben…”

“I’m sorry, I –“

“ _Ben,_ ” she insisted more forcefully, reaching out to run her fingers through his hair. His eyes fluttered shut when she did. “Don’t be. I’m happy. _Look at me._ ”

He leaned into her touch as he opened his eyes, jaw still clenched.

“ _I’m happy_ ,” she repeated, her eyes darting towards his mouth and back to his eyes. “I’m not afraid anymore. I know who I am, and I know she’s not going anywhere.”

Her smile seemed to finally get to him, because the corners of his lips turned upwards as he leaned in to kiss her.

“And you promise you’re gonna eat?” he mumbled against her mouth, making her smile wrinkle her nose.

“Anything _Alpha_ says,” she said in an exaggerated sultry purr. He growled as he pressed his mouth to hers again, nibbling her lower lip.

“Will you eat dates if _Alpha_ tells you to?”

“ _Alpha_ can shove those cockroach-looking abominations up his ass and suck my dick, thank you very much.”

His laugh tickled her mouth as he nuzzled her nose and cupped her cheek, giving her a final peck on the lips before he sat back.  

“C’mon, there’s a bunch of oatmeal left.”

“God, so bossy,” she teased, smiling up at him as she picked up a raspberry on her spoon. When she looked down at the bowl again, a strand of hair she’d tucked behind her ear fell on her face, and she pushed it back with a sigh.

“Can you get me that hair tie?” Rey asked, pointing at the nightstand. When Ben reached for it, the black elastic looked tiny in his massive hands, and she did her best not to stare.

“Here, let me,” he murmured, kneeling next to her on the bed.

“What are you doing?”

He ignored both her question and her raised brows as he crawled into the space between her and the headboard, cradling her between his legs.

“Getting that hair off your face,” he finally answered once he seemed satisfied with their position. His plush lips planted a soft kiss behind her ear before he started running his finger through her hair.

“Are you giving me an Alderaanian braid?” she asked through a mouthful of oatmeal.

“Yup.”

“Can I get that cool one your mom wears to bed sometimes? The one that looks like fish scales?”

She could feel his warm breath on the back of her head when he chuckled.

“I meant what I said before. You can have anything you want.”

He planted a kiss on the crown of her hair as he said it, and she smiled, biting her lower lip.

“I could really use some pomegranate juice right now.”

“Go eat shit.”

Her head fell back as she laughed, resting on his shoulder, and she scrunched her nose up at him when their eyes met. He answered with a bright smile and a kiss on her forehead.

Both made some part of her brain worry that her chest might be too small to accommodate her heart.

“You’re ruining my work,” he murmured against her forehead, and she smiled, sitting back up.

“Forgive me, master braider.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Rey ate in silence for a while, reveling in the light tugging and the eventual brush of his fingers against her scalp. The soothing movement of his hands made her muscles feel like they were melting, and suddenly she was pretty sure braids would go very, very well with most of her outfits,

 _With all of them_ , she decided when he worked a lock of hair from behind her ear into the braid and kissed the skin he’d left exposed.   

Swallowing the last of the oatmeal, she set the bowl down on the nightstand, making the spoon rattle against green porcelain.

“Happy?”

“Very,” he answered, tugging lightly at her braid as he secured it with the hair tie.

“You done?”

“Yup.”

“Good,” she said, leaning back to press her back flat against his torso, head on his collarbone. “Took you long enough.”

He huffed out another laugh into her hair, wrapping his arms around her waist before he leaned down to brush his lips against her shoulder. The rise and fall of his chest behind her back lulled her like slow early morning waves, and she sighed contently, nestling further inside the cage of his legs.

“Can you braid my hair every day?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more in my life,” he whispered as he traced a path of soft kisses that ended just under her jawline.

“Good, ‘cause it feels nice,” she murmured. Her eyes fluttered shut as she tilted her head to the side, giving him full access to her neck.

“Looks nice, too.”

“Show off.”

“Prick.”  

Rey opened her eyes as she giggled, looking at the room around her for the first time that night. Although she couldn’t see much but blue tinged silhouettes, everything looked the same. The old armchair in the corner; the random piles of books scattered everywhere; the bright green fern she’d miraculously managed to keep alive for years; the mustard yellow knitted rug Rose had made for her three Christmases ago.   

It all looked the same, and still she felt like she was seeing everything for the first time.

“Last week feels like a lifetime ago,” she whispered, closing her eyes again.

“Speak for yourself. I remember you dating that douchebag Robert Lynch like it was last Friday.”

“Excuse me?” she laughed, craning her neck to look up at him. “He’s not a douchebag.”

“Hm.”

“You jealous?”

“Yes.”

The word fell from his lips so spontaneously she couldn’t help laughing harder and turning her head to nuzzle the crook of his neck.

“And I wasn’t _dating_ him. It was _one_ date. That didn’t make it past appetizers.”

“Why?”

“Because I left.”

“Why?”

“Because he wasn’t you.”

“Hm,” he hummed into the crook of her neck, pressing his lips to her skin.

“Which reminds me,” Rey said, straightening her spine. It made her butt press into his crotch, and she tried to ignore how hard he felt through the thin fabric of his boxers. “That I told Poe I’d never fuck any of his childhood friends.”

“Did you?”

“Yeah. Promised myself, too.”

“I think that ship has sailed,” he murmured as he kissed her gland and grinded against her back, making something hot and damp unfurl in her core.

“No, there’s still time,” she said with feigned urgency, making to get up. He let her go a few inches and then yanked her back towards his chest, his hands firmly clasped around her waist, making her yelp and giggle.

“You know what I think?” he whispered into her hair, his voice deep and intoxicating.

“Yeah?”

“I think your little games are coming back to bite you in the ass,” he continued, splaying both hands over her belly. “Because I can smell how drenched with slick you are right now.” 

“I’m not,” she bluffed, half whispering, half moaning as his thumbs grazed her nipples through the fabric of his shirt.  

“No?”

His voice was almost menacingly sweet against the shell of her ear. It made even more slick pool between her thighs, most definitely drenching his shirt.

“No.”

His right hand slid down without warning and, before she could even conjure up a rational thought, his finger had slid inside her, finding no resistance whatsoever.

“ _Ben_.”

“That’s more like it,” he murmured in the same tone, pumping his finger for just a few seconds before he introduced a second one and pressed the heel of his palm over her clit.

“Ben, _fuck_ ,” she moaned, digging her nails into his thighs as she parted her legs, granting him more access.

And then she whimpered – a real, loud, humiliating whimper – when he pulled both fingers out, bringing his hand back to his face and licking it clean.

“What the…”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said innocently, removing his fingers from his mouth with a pop. “Did you need more?”

A husky chuckle escaped his chest when she swatted his arm away and fumbled on the bed, but it caught in his throat when she turned around and braced herself on his shoulders to straddle him unceremoniously.

“Every dog has its day,” she whispered, grinning as she grinded against his erection. The movement made his shirt ride up her thighs and pool around her hips.

 “You’d know, you’re a _dogtor_ ,” he smiled, leaning forward to capture her lips.   

She smiled back against his mouth, weaving her fingers into his hair as she deepened the kiss, soaking in the taste of his tongue. His hands felt scorching as they travelled from her hips to her waist, lingering there for a moment before he started working on her shirt.

He undid the buttons all the way down to her bellybutton, and his hands used the opening to slide inside the shirt without taking it off, roaming around her torso until they found her waist.

It was almost obscene, the sound of her bare, drenched core grinding against his cock through the fabric of his underwear, but she couldn’t find it in her to care. Not when it made her vision blur around the edges, causing sharp waves of pleasure to ripple every inch of her skin.

She gasped when he took a nipple between his fingers and rolled it gently, tugging at it as he spoke.

“God, can I fuck you again? Are you too sore? I can –”

“ _No_ , no, I’m not, you can…” she stuttered as she reached clumsily for the waistband of his boxers, trying to pull them down. “ _Shit_ , you’re so hard.”

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he breathed, finally breaking the kiss to dive into her neck, lapping at her gland with her breasts in his hands. “Taste so fucking _beautiful_.”

By that time, she’d already managed to tug his underwear midway down his thighs. As he nibbled at her gland, making her breath catch in her throat, she decided that had to be enough.

Wrapping her arms around his shoulders, she raised her hips a little, trying to position his cock at her entrance. She hissed when it brushed heavily against her clit.

“You want it again? My knot?” he breathed into the crook under her jawline. She whimpered as he grinded mercilessly against her folds. “In your pretty little cunt?”

“Yes,” she panted, trying to position him again. “Yes, please, I… _Ben_.”

“Good girl.”

She buried her nose in his hair as he lowered his head to suck on her nipple. While his mouth worked, one of his hands held onto her waist firmly as the other one slid down between them to wrap around his cock.  

The stretch of him filling her up made her squeeze her eyes shut, nails digging into his shoulder blades. He grazed his teeth over her pebbled nipple in response, his breath hot and ragged as he sheathed himself fully inside of her, sliding easily through her slick.

“Does it hurt?” he whispered, and she shook her head, kissing his hair.

“It’s even better than I dreamed it would be.”

“Me too.”

His breath and his open mouthed kisses painted a luminous trail onto her skin as he rose slowly towards her jaw and brought her mouth down to his. Only when he was kissing her deeply again, one hand cupping her face and the other one holding her waist firmly, did he start moving.  

Being on top almost made her feel even more full of him, if that was even possible. She swayed her hips in time with his, moaning and panting into his mouth every time he hit a particular spot deep inside of her that made daylight pierce through the dead of the night.

The hand he was using to caress her face traveled down to her shoulder, her upper back, her spine, until it finally wrapped around her braid. He tugged at it, making her throw her head back and expose her neck to the careful ministrations of his mouth.

 _Careful_ , only because of the clearly herculean effort he was making not to go anywhere near her gland.

“Shit, Ben, can’t you just…”

“No,” he said firmly, licking the pulse point on the left side of her neck. “I can’t control myself.”

“You said you could…” she panted, trailing off as he hit that spot again. “The animal part, you said…”

It was supposed to be teasing, but it just ended up sounding needy. She didn’t care.

“Well, clearly not,” he answered, his lips so close to her skin that each word morphed into a kiss. “ _Clearly_ ,” he repeated, the hand he had on her braid travelling to her waist. Now holding her torso with both hands, he yanked her down, making her gasp as he slammed into her once, twice, three times, until her thighs felt so wobbly they couldn’t work her body up and down anymore.

Encaged by his unwavering grip, she arched her spine, leaning back slightly and bracketing his legs with her splayed hands. The position seemed to allow him to move her even more easily. He lifted her as if she were a feather, only to bring her crashing down on his body each time, the aria of their skin slapping and their shallow breathing echoing off the walls of the darkened bedroom.

“Touch yourself,” he said, his voice so raspy and so deep it seemed to scratch her skin. “Touch yourself for me. Let me see you.”

Still leaning back, she opened her eyes, watching his lips part as she slid one hand between them, her other arm trembling under the weight of her body. He grunted when she started rubbing her clit frantically, and she threw her head back to repress a scream when he slammed into her again, wild eyes fixated on the spot where their skin met.

“Rey, I… shit,” he groaned, and she could feel his rhythm start to waver as he swelled inside of her.

“ _So good._ You knot me so good. Your knot feels so good,” she breathed feverishly, rubbing her clit harder as their movement slowed down.

That seemed to be too much for him, because he leaned forward, capturing her lips in a bruising kiss as he came to a complete standstill.

“Rey. _Rey_. Fuck, Rey, you’re…”

With his hips stuttering but barely able to move, he whispered her name into her mouth again and again as he climaxed, as if he were trying to convince himself she was really there.

The clenching of her walls around his swollen knot finally did it for her, too, and she whimpered as she came, dragging him even further inside of her.

They just stared into each other’s eyes for a long moment. Panting heavily, Rey slid her slick-coated fingers up his torso to cup his face, looping her other arm around his neck. He smiled up at her, his fingers now feather light on her waist, and turned his head to take her fingers in his mouth, licking them clean.

“I don’t think that’s technically vegan,” she said, smiling teasingly, and he snorted, kissing her cheek.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were suffering.”

“Didn’t I make it obvious?” she whispered, smiling wider when he kissed the corner of her mouth.

“No. Maybe come a little less?”

A giggle bubbled out of her chest, ringing in the dark as she swatted his shoulder.

“We can keep practicing, though. Until you can express your suffering properly,” he said, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer to his chest.

She tilted her head, planting a kiss on his swollen lips before she nuzzled his nose.

“Sounds like a plan.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> C'mon, they deserved some gratuitous fluff and smut after everything they've been through. You guys know I'm an angsty bitch, though, so... *evil cackle*
> 
> I hope you have a great week! Love your faces <3


	14. All the king's horses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains a depiction of a panic attack. In case you feel it might me triggering for you and you’d rather skip that scene, stop reading at “wetting her swollen lips” and start again at “Rey didn’t really cry.”  
> I'll include a description of what happens in the end notes, doing my best to leave out the triggering details, so you can check that out in case you don't want to read that part, but still want to follow the story.

 

 

“What do I smell like?”

She whispered the question into the early morning light, finally breaking the blissful silence that enveloped the bedroom. Her head lay right over the pale gold sunbeam that had settled on his chest, his skin warm and comforting against her cheek.

He kept drawing the soft line he’d been tracing for ages up and down her spine, all the way from the nape of her neck to the dimples on her lower back.

“Like heaven,” he whispered into her hair, inhaling deeply as he ran the pad of his thumb over her shoulder. 

“Yeah, but, like… sweet? You said omegas smelled too sweet.”

“Did I?”

“Yeah.”

He chuckled, planting a long kiss on the crown of her head as he breathed her in again.

“I must have been drunk.”

“It _was_ one of the late night chats.”

“Yeah, probably drunk. That was mean.”

“No, scents are different for everyone,” she said, planting a feather light kiss on his chest. “And it was before I told you.”

He just hummed in response, wrapping his free arm around her shoulders while his other hand kept drawing maps on her back.

“So, do I smell too sweet? Now that I… you know.”

 _Now that I’m different_ , she meant to say. _Now that I’m fully reverting_. _Now that I’m covered in slick._ She couldn’t bring herself to say it, though, so she just closed her eyes, letting his scent soothe her.

His chest shook beneath her head as he chuckled again, laughing his way through the knot in her chest.

“No, sweetheart. You smell…” His voice sounded smooth and drowsy, more relaxed than Rey had ever heard it, and it covered every inch of her skin like a warm blanket. “Remember when I told you about my grandparents? How they were the ones who encouraged me to draw?”

“Sure,” she murmured, nuzzling his collarbone. His chest rose and fell slowly beneath her before he spoke again.

“They had this house in Alderaan. We’d spend the summer there sometimes when they were alive. Before my mom was elected. Before everything.”

She hummed encouragingly, tracing a line up and down his ribcage and reveling in the gooseflesh that rose under her fingertips.

“There was this orange tree in the backyard, and I’d sit under it for hours, drawing. They’d give me something new for my drawing kit every time we went there.” His voice sparkled with happy memories as he spoke now, like the sun glistening off the surface of a tranquil lake, and Rey couldn’t help smiling. “Have you ever smelled an orange tree?”

“I don’t think so, no.”

“The blossoms smell sweet,” he explained, his breath hot against her scalp. “But, like, citrusy sweet. Just right. And the leaves,” he continued, kissing her hair again. “If you break them and rub them between your fingers, they smell sweet and citrusy too, but also leafy and earthy. That’s what those summers smelled like. Orange blossoms and orange leaves, the tree trunk behind my back. It would be warm by the end of the day. You know, sun scented wood?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, like that. Also damp soil. And the wind right before a summer thunderstorm, when it’s dense and fresh.” He inhaled deeply again, his arms winding tighter around her body. “That’s what you smell like.”

“That sounds nice,” she whispered, her eyelids feeling heavy as the warmth of his arms encircled her, dissolving the heaviness in her chest.

“It’s more than nice.”

They lay in silence for a long moment, breathing in synchrony as the sun stretched lazily into the bedroom.

“What about me?” he finally asked when she was almost drifting off.

“Hm?”

“What do I smell like?”

“Oh,” she murmured, breathing him in and letting his scent seep into her flesh, making her gland throb gloriously. “I have this memory. I don’t know if it’s a real memory or a dream, or maybe just something my brain made up. I’m on a beach. There’s someone else there. I’m sitting on a driftwood log and they’re roasting something on a fire. Nuts, I think. Maybe marshmallows.”

He hummed into her hair, making her scalp tingle.

“It smells like saltwater and damp sand. Like driftwood, sea breeze, and crackling fire. I didn’t even know what the sea looked like when I was in Jakku, let alone what it smelled like, so I just assumed it was a memory.”

A tear escaped the corner of her eye, and he caught it on his thumb, cupping her face as he pulled her closer to his chest.

“I used to daydream about someone coming to pick me up and taking me back there. To that beach.” She took a long, shuddering breath before she went on. “The first time I came to Ahch-To, we were doing some fieldwork for college. Turtle rehabilitation. It was the first time I ever saw the sea. It didn’t smell exactly like that memory, but it was close enough, so I stayed.”

He ran the pad of his thumb over her cheekbone, catching another tear, and she smiled, nuzzling his wrist.

“You, though,” she whispered, planting a soft kiss over his pulse point. “You smell exactly like it. Like my dream.”    

His fingers slid down to wrap around her chin, and he tilted her head upwards, raising her eyes to his.

“I’ll never let you go,” he whispered, leaning down to press a soft kiss to her lips. She smiled, kissing him as her hand slid up his chest and towards his neck, searching for his gland. When she found it, she traced a gentle circle around it, caressing the rough, warm skin.

“Please don’t,” she murmured against his lips, and he just wrapped his fingers around the nape of her neck, deepening the kiss. 

 

_________________

 

It was like he could sense it the second his shirt slid down her body, pooling around her legs. The rest of her mission had been successful: crawling out of his arms, opening the wardrobe, grabbing a fresh towel and clean underwear and padding back towards the bed to smile down at him sleeping. Getting naked without waking him up, though? Not so much.

“Where are you going?” he grumbled, his voice thick with sleep, his long hair a tangled mess of raven black splayed over the pillow.

“Shower,” she said, wrapping the towel around her body.

“Why?”

“Because I have to be at Resistance in…” She glanced at the alarm clock, sighing. “An hour.”

“That’s plenty of time,” he grumbled again, rubbing his eyes without opening them. “Get back here.”

“Oooh, is that an _order_?” she teased, leaning down to peck his cheek.

“Yes,” he answered, wrapping his arms around her waist and trying to pull her down.

“ _Ben_ ,” she giggled, wiggling out of his grasp. “I’m serious. We can’t stay here forever.” Her fingers dug blueish-black grooves into his hair, and she smiled when he opened his mouth, obviously ready to _beg to differ_. “And you should get dressed, too. We have some shit to figure out.”

He opened his eyes at that, running his fingers through his own hair as he sat up in bed, looking up at her.

“Do you want me to go with you?”

His voice was still drowsy when he rubbed his eyes, eyeing her anxiously.

“I don’t think so,” she answered softly, smiling as she sat down facing him. “I think I have to do this alone.”

He smiled that dimpled smile, caressing her face with his knuckles before he ran his hand softly along her braid, bringing it over her shoulder.

“They love you. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” she nodded, leaning into his touch. “Yeah, it’s just…”

“I know.”

She smiled wider, placing a hand on his thigh.

“But maybe you could come over later? Talk to Poe?”

A shadow crossed his eyes as she said it, and she squeezed his leg reassuringly, leaning forward to press her forehead to his.

“I think he needs it. I think you both do.”

“Yeah,” he rasped, swallowing thickly. “Yeah, I’ll come. You tell me when.”

“Good,” she whispered, planting a peck on his lips. “Call yourself so I have your number.” She reached out for her phone as she spoke, unlocking the screen and handing it to him.

He nodded, offering her a half smile as she stood up.

“That shirt’s ruined, by the way,” she said, pointing at the white pile on the ground. “Drenched through with slick.”

She turned around just as he let out a long growl, padding towards the bathroom with a grin on her face.

The sound of his phone buzzing on the nightstand back in the bedroom echoed for a couple seconds as she turned on the lights, followed closely by the sound of her own phone being set on wood. She crouched down to comb through the cabinet under the sink, looking for a new bottle of shampoo, and smiled brightly as the sounds he made on the other side of the door reached her ears.

 _Ben_ standing up from the bed, making her mattress creak. _Ben_ fumbling with his pants, the sound of the zipper loud and clear in the silence of the apartment. _Ben_ buckling his belt, the metal buckle rattling between his fingers. _Ben_ growling again as he picked up his shirt, making a huge smile form on her lips.

Ben was everywhere, inside and out, filling her space as naturally as water seeping into white sand and tinting it a darker shade of golden.

Still smiling, she stretched to place the shampoo behind the shower curtain, and then moved back to the sink, taking a look in the mirror as she prepared to unwrap the towel that hung around her body. Her reflection stared back at her, skin flushed and bruised along her collarbone, left shoulder covered by a gorgeous, voluminous braid. The bruises crawled up to her neck, and she followed their path, wetting her swollen lips.

That’s when her eyes finally found her gland. 

It looked pink and tender against her golden skin. Raised and swollen, probably even more visible because of the attention it had gotten from Ben’s mouth throughout the night. She wanted to raise her hand to touch it, but all of a sudden her body didn’t seem to belong to her anymore.

She stared into her eyes in the mirror, and a stranger stared back at her.

“Sweetheart?” Ben called, pushing the cracked door open. “Do you want some breakfast?”

Her eyes never left the mirror when she answered.

“N-no, thanks. I’m good.”

“Okay, let me rephrase that,” he said, walking into the bathroom. “I’m making you breakfast whether you want it or not. Do you want to choose what you want to eat?” He wrapped his arms around her waist from behind as he spoke, burying his nose in the crook behind her ear. “Oatmeal?” _Kiss._ “Avocado on toast?” _Kiss._ “Raspberry smoothie?” _Kiss._ “Pancakes?” _Kiss._      

“I’m really not hungry,” she rasped, her voice thin and feeble. He raised his head from her neck when he heard it, staring at their tangled reflection in the mirror.

“You okay?”

The small furrow between his brows made her swallow.

“It’s really visible now, huh?” she whispered, turning her neck to the mirror.

His eyes darted downwards, kind and adoring, and he dipped his head down again to press a soft kiss to her gland.

“I’m sorry, I got carried away.”

“No, that’s not – No, it’s fine. Really. It is.”

 “Are you feeling dizzy?” His breath tickled the sensitive skin on her neck, and she tried to inhale deeply, soaking in the soothing balm of his scent.

What was it, this thick, gelid lump in her chest that seemed oblivious to the fact that she was there, wrapped in his arms, drenched in his scent, protected by his warmth? This icy, sticky thing that seemed to ignore the luminous happiness that shone in her core, casting a dark shadow over it?   

“No, I’m just,” she stammered, wetting her lips. “Nauseous, I think.”

It wasn’t a lie. This poisonous creature seemed to have spread its claws to her stomach, squeezing it tight, making bile rise to her throat. 

“Oh,” he breathed, raising his head again. “That’s another side effect, right?”

“I… I think so. I’ve never had it.”

His hands were warm and protective around her waist, feather light as they stroked her skin through the thick towel.

“Can I get you something? Some Dramamine or…”

“No, I’ll… I’ll just use the toilet. Do you mind waiting outside? I don’t want you to see it.”

“Rey, that’s –”

“Please?” she pleaded, turning around to face him. His chest rose and fell under her hands, warm and solid even through his shirt. She could smell herself on him.

“Of course,” he breathed, pressing his lips to her forehead, hands still on her waist. “I’ll be right outside, okay? I’m here. I’ve got you.”

She nodded, wetting her lips as the creature unfurled a little more. It seemed to be filling her chest slowly, leaving less and less space for her heart and her lungs with each second that went by.

He kissed her forehead again, letting go of her reluctantly as he walked out the door and closed it behind him. When the bed creaked under his weight, she locked the door as silently as she could.

The tiles felt freezing under the soles of her feet as she dragged herself back towards the sink, but she wasn’t sure if the temperature was to blame for the violent shiver that broke through her entire body. Trying to stop her hands from trembling, she braced herself the counter as she stared at the mirror, all color drained from her knuckles as they curled around white formica. The woman staring back at her looked pale and tense, and her throat bobbed thickly when Rey tried to swallow. On the woman’s neck, a gland screamed at her, just as easy to ignore as the moon in the night sky.

All of a sudden, a violent clench seized her stomach, and she turned around quickly, gagging as she opened the toilet lid and fell to her knees in front of it. Her bones hit the tiled floor with a dull thud.

“Rey?” Ben called, and she could hear the doorknob rattle. “Baby, don’t lock yourself in there, I need to be able to get in if you need me.”    

She gagged again, screwing her eyes shut as the acrid taste of vomit filled her mouth.

“Rey? Are you okay?”

She couldn’t answer. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think. The thing had seized her entire chest now, squeezing and pushing, taking up every inch, leaving space for nothing but an ice cold, inexplicable sense of dread.

Her heart galloped and stuttered, trying to push through, but nothing seemed to be enough to keep the oxygen flowing in her body.

Around the edges of the toilet seat, her clammy fingers shook violently, and she shuddered when nausea squeezed her stomach again.  

To her right, the door knob kept rattling, more violently now.

“Rey, talk to me, please.”

 

**_“C’mon, girls, just tell us who it is!” a voice yelled from the other side of the door, sending shivers through Rey’s body._ **

****

“Baby, open the door!”

 

**_“Yeah, is it Jess or Rey? C’mon, don’t be shy!”_ **

_Go away, go away, go away,_ she chanted inside her head, eyes squeezed shut, gasping for air.

****

_“Rey? Rey!”_

**_Doesn’t smell half bad!” someone yelled, enticing a wave of approving whoops._ **

****

The banging sounded like thunder against the door.

_“GO AWAY!”_ she bellowed inside her head, shaking furiously as she tried to keep her heart from bursting inside her chest.

Weirdly enough, the thought of yelling made her throat sting and burn, almost as if her scream had _actually_ clawed its way out of her mouth.

 _Go away, go away, go away. Please,_ she kept chanting internally, hot tears streaming down her cheeks as she fought for air. Slowly but surely, it seemed to work. The world came to a standstill around her, completely silent, and she sucked the air in long gasps, trying to get her lungs to expand. As oxygen started to flow to her brain again, she tried to breathe in through her nose, counting to three each time before exhaling through her mouth in long, quivering bursts of air.

By the third time she did it, her nose picked up on something. _Him_. Faint, but clear as daylight: a trace of his scent lingering around her – a lighthouse beaming at her through the storm. Still shaking, she buried her nose in her shoulder, inhaling the smell his hands had weaved into her braid.

It seemed to fend off the creature in her chest, making it deflate little by little; making her heart and her lungs expand again, slowly but surely claiming their rightful place.

 _Ben_.

Her hands were shaky and sweaty around the toilet seat when she braced herself on it, staggering back to her feet.

 _Ben_.

She was going to be alright. She just needed Ben’s arms around her and his lips in her hair, telling her that he’d never let her go.

“Ben?” she called, her voice still shaky and hoarse, but her legs just strong enough to drag her to the door; her hands just steady enough to unlock it.

“Ben?”  

Her eyes roamed the room expectantly, bright and wide.

The only signs that indicated he’d ever been there were an untidy bed and his scent lingering in the air.

 

___________

 

Rey didn’t really cry. Not right away. She just threw on an old t-shirt and shorts and sat on her bed, staring at her hands and listening to the town waking up outside her window.

When she finally moved, it was to reach for her phone and type Finn a message.

**_Rey:_ ** _Babe, I caught a stomach bug. Not feeling well. Can you guys cover for me today?_

 

She kept sitting in silence, staring blankly at her phone, until it buzzed.

 

 **_Finn:_ ** _Shit! Of course. Don’t you need us to drop by?_

 **_Rey:_ ** _No! Don’t worry, it’s just a bug. Popped a couple Dramamine, I’ll just sleep it off. Call you when I wake up!_

 **_Finn:_ ** _Ok, but take care! I’ll check in on you._  

 

She swiped to go back to the homepage, but her phone took her to her call history instead. First on the list came a two-second call to a contact saved as ' _Ben_ ❤️'.

That’s when she broke down.

It was late afternoon now, which meant she’d spent the better part of 9 hours crying. There were intervals, of course. She’d fall asleep every now and again, nose buried in her pillowcase, letting his scent lull her. They’d be half-hour naps studded with dreams of him. When she’d wake up from them, the tears would burn even more.

By now, she was all cried out. Lying on her side, she traced her fingers over the marks he’d left on her left hip, connecting the purple bruises he’d painted with his hands. Her eyes stung, but nothing poured out of them, and that’s when she realized she had no tears left to cry.  

That’s also when the light coming from her nightstand caught her eyes, and she reached out to grab the phone she’d switched to silent mode so many hours ago.

Finn was calling.

“Hey,” she croaked, the word scratching her throat.

“Rey, thank God! Whoa, you sound like shit,” her friend said into her ear, breathing heavily, as if he’d just run a marathon. “Were you sleeping? I’ve been trying to call for forty minutes. I was worried sick.”

“Yeah. I overdid the Dramamine, I think.”

“Feeling better though?”

“Sure.”

“Good, ‘cause I’ve got big news. Huge news. Breaking news,” he panted excitedly, a car engine roaring in the background. “We got them.”

“What?”

“We got them, peanut. We. Got. Them. I’m still trying to – hey, watch out! – Sorry, I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, I have no idea what’s going on but we fucking got them, Rey.”

“Finn, hold on, slow down. I’m not following.”

“Ben Solo,” he blurted out, making her entire body spasm. “Ben Solo, he – hey, asshole, this is the crosswalk! Fucking tourists. Anyway, he… I don’t know Rey, Poe stormed out as soon as he read the email, said he had to talk to Solo, go to his house, I don’t know. I’m still lost, but Rose and I read the email, and _we got them_.”

“Finn, I –”

“ _Solo gave us a case on a silver platter, babe_ . I have no idea how he got all this stuff, I’m pretty sure he didn’t even have clearance to access it, but it’s… It’s huge. It’s a fucking five-course meal. We got damning emails, forged documents, phony contracts, banking activity that indicates bribery – there’s this email between Hux and Hutt, Rey, _I swear to God_ –”

A car honked obnoxiously as Finn said the last few words, and he swore again, his voice muffled by the hand he’d placed over his phone.

“These fucking tourists, I’m telling you! Listen, I’m right outside your building, I’ll explain it in person, okay?”

“What?”

The word fell from her lips in a shocked murmur, and she sat up in bed, startled.

“Yeah, you wouldn’t pick up your phone and I had to tell you the news, babe! Besides, we were worried sick, so – oh, thank you, Ms. Jira!” he chirped happily, the sounds of the street muffled as the door closed behind him. “I’m going up, open the door. Brought you chickpea soup.”

“Finn, please, don’t –“

“See you, peanut!”

She exhaled a quivering breath when he hung up, her eyes roaming the room feverishly. There wasn’t much she could do. There wasn’t _anything_ she could do, really. Burning the sheets wouldn’t do it – burning the apartment down wouldn’t do it. His scent was everywhere, embedded into her skin, soaked into her bones. All she could do was run and lock the door Ben had probably left unlocked when he left.

_When he left._

A tear trickled down her cheek as she glanced over at the living room, a portion of the kitchen visible through the cracked door of her bedroom.

Lock the door, and then what? Leave Finn outside?

She just stared at the door for a long moment, her breathing shaky and irregular as the sound of steps echoed ominously off the walls.

“Peanut,” Finn sang as he opened the door, and she could see it as he set a brown paper bag on the kitchen counter. “Where are… Rey?”  

His tone changed when he looked around the living room. Time seemed to go still as he took a deep breath, his eyes darting towards the bedroom.

“Rey?”

A deep furrow had already settled on his forehead when he pushed the bedroom door open carefully, his eyes travelling from the bruises on her legs to the ones on her chest, up to her tear stained cheeks, and then back down to her neck.

“ _Baby_ ,” he whispered, taking a careful step closer. “What happened?”

She brought her hand over her mouth to muffle a sob, and he was next to her in the blink of an eye, sitting down on the bed and pulling her flush against his chest. She muffled a second sob on his shoulder, and he hugged her tighter, rubbing her back.

“Shhh, I‘ve got you, babe. I’ve got you. Talk to me.”

“I’m… Finn, I’m so sorry, I…”

“Rey,” he said firmly, leaning back to cup her face and look into her eyes. “What are you apologizing for?” His thumbs traced her cheeks gently before he whispered, “I’ve known for a while.”

Her lower lip trembled as she exhaled, wiping her cheek.

“You have?”

“Well,” he shrugged, offering her a kind smile. “I suspected. No Beta touches their gland as much as you do.”

“I’m sorry,” she repeated in a teary whisper, and he hugged her again, kissing her hair.

“Stop saying that. No one will even _care,_ babe. It _literally_ doesn’t matter. We love _you_. _You_.  Who _you_ are. We couldn’t give two shits what your gland looks like.”

“I freaked out,” she breathed into his shirt. “I freaked out when I saw it in the mirror. I don’t know why. I just got so… so _scared_.”

“You’re allowed to feel scared, babe. How long has this been haunting you?” he asked, rocking her back and forth. “How long have you been trying to do this alone? A decade? _Of course_ you’d be scared.”

“But I felt _fine_. I wasn’t scared anymore. I…” she said, rubbing her eyes on his shirt to dry her tears.

“Progress isn’t linear, Peanut. It’s never a straight line. It’s full of ups and downs, setbacks and bad days, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t progress.” He kissed her hair again, wrapping his hands gently around her shoulders as he hugged her tighter. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Aren’t we talking about it?”

“You know what I mean. Solo.”

She shuddered when she heard the name, sniffing as she raised her head, searching for Finn’s eyes again.

“Is he the one triggering it? The reversion? It started when he arrived, didn’t it?”

She nodded, her lips pursed as a fresh tear escaped her eye. Finn dried it softly with his knuckles.

“He’s like… I could _smell_ him, Finn. Even neutralized, I could _scent_ him, and he smelled…”

“Perfect?” he offered, tilting his head and smiling.

She nodded again, sniffing.

“Like he was made for me. Like some kind of organic version of a CES.”

Finn’s eyes widened as he raised his brows.

“I didn’t even know that was possible.”

“Me neither.”

They sat in silence for a long moment, and Finn’s fingers felt warm and light as they caressed her shoulders, soothing her bruised skin.

“He left,” she finally said in a broken whisper, and he cupped her face, knitting his brows together.

“Why? Is that why you panicked?”

She shook her head vehemently, causing a tear to drip from her chin.

“No, I… I didn’t want him to see me like that, so I locked myself in the bathroom. He kept asking me to let him in, and I…” Her voice broke, and Finn nodded encouragingly, tucking a tendril of hair that had escaped her braid behind her ear. “I don’t know. I think I told him to leave, but I wasn’t talking to him. I don’t know who I was talking to.”

Her eyes looked defeated when they shot down to her clasped hands, glimmering with unshed tears.

“Your demons, maybe?” he suggested, smiling sympathetically as he lifted her chin, raising her eyes to his. She just shrugged in silence, closing her eyes when Finn pressed his lips to her forehead.

“He didn’t leave you, then,” he whispered against her skin. “He just tore himself away because he thought that was what you wanted. And then he imploded the company he works for, basically burned the whole thing to the ground, just for you. Even though he thought you didn’t want him anymore.”  

His eyes were glimmering when they locked with hers again.

“That’s love if I’ve ever seen it, peanut.”

“He did it because it was the right thing to do,” Rey murmured. “The whistleblowing thing. He did it because he’s a good man. And I fucked it all up.”

“Stop saying that,” Finn said in an annoyed whisper, taking her hands between his. “It was miscommunication, babe. You know how you fix that? Communication. People will hold onto you when they love you, but you have to let them know _you want them_ to hold on.  Because if their love is real and they think letting you go is the right thing to do, they’ll do it. Even if it tears them apart.”

She inhaled deeply as she lowered her eyes again, squeezing Finn’s hands.

“You think he’ll come back?”

He chuckled at that, shaking his head.

“I think he’d crawl from Coruscant to Ahch-To on all fours at a snap of your fingers.”

“Coruscant?” she asked, her eyes widening as they snapped back to Finn’s face. “He’s going back to Coruscant?”

“I mean,” he shrugged, “I just assumed, you know. Now that’s he’s obviously unemployed. That’s where he lives, right? Poe said something about having to talk to him before he went back to Coruscant.”

Rey shook her head, springing to her feet.

“No. No, he can’t,” she murmured, pacing the room feverishly, looking for her Converse. “He can’t go away. _I have to go_.”

Sitting on the bed, Finn smiled brightly, crossing his legs as he propped his chin on his closed fist.

“That’s my peanut.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're here because you've decided to skip *that* scene, here's what happens (spoilers below):
> 
> Rey’s preparing to take a shower when she sees her gland in the mirror. The visual confirmation of her regression turns out to be extremely triggering. She tells Ben she’s feeling sick and asks him to leave the bathroom, locking the door behind her. She spirals into a panic attack, and Ben starts to knock on the door, asking if she’s OK. The sound of him banging on the door and calling her name triggers memories from when she first presented (the flashback in chapter 3, with the boys knocking on her dormitory). Mentally, she begs them to go away, not realizing she actually said the words out loud. Ben assumes she’s asking him to leave. When she walks out of the bathroom, he’s left her apartment.
> 
> ****************
> 
> PLEASE DON'T HATE ME! The angst didn't last long, see? Now they'll get to have that honest, raw conversation about their feelings/their insecurities/Rey's trauma which they conveniently avoided when they decided to fuck each other's brains out. Communication is key, kids! Last chapter coming next week, and then just a short little epilogue to wrap things up! Can you believe we're almost done? Phew! Feedback, as you know, makes me the happiest girl on this planet. 
> 
> Love your faces! <3


	15. Daylight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll tell you the truth, but never goodbye. =)

  

Rey’s bike clanked when she propped it haphazardly against the light pole, not bothering to lock it. She ignored the obviously precarious setup, much like she’d ignored everything that had happened since she’d bolted out of her apartment and hopped on her bike.

Cars honking when she flew past them, pedaling the wrong way.  Pedestrians yelling colorful expletives at her when she took a shortcut through the sidewalk, nearly hitting an ice cream stand. Full body shivers caused by the cold wind nibbling at her bare arms and legs. The burning pain on her thighs as she pedaled uphill way faster than she probably should.

She’d ignored them all, unable to bring herself to care about anything but Ben.

She panted as she jogged to the front door of his building, her now messy braid bouncing behind her as she took the front steps two at a time. And then, as she met the closed door, she stopped to ratiocinate for the first time in ten minutes.

Her eyes darted to the code panel, and she placed her hands on either side of her burning ribcage, cursing under her breath.  

Of course she hadn’t thought this through.

She had to know someone who lived here, right? Right. Of course she did. Mr. Antilles, maybe? No, Mr. Antilles lived down the street, right next to the flower shop. Was it Mr. Nunb?

She rubbed her eyes furiously, turning around to throw feverish glances up and down the street, searching for any familiar faces.

Her eyes found nothing but empty sidewalks, so they darted down to the cracks on the floor as she cursed again, turning back around to face the door.

She’d have to wait, then.

Did she have enough time, though? When was he leaving? Had he already left?

The mere thought of it made her blood run cold, and she drew in a deep breath, ready to turn around and search for his car.

That’s when the door buzzed and creaked open.

She might not have recognized Poe, hadn’t she known him for all those years. She’d definitely never seen his hair looking that messy, nor his eyes looking that puffy, nor his nose looking that red.

As it turned out, he seemed to have a hard time recognizing her, too.

“Rey?” he asked, eyebrows knitted together. “What are you doing here?“

His eyes seemed to stray downwards in slow motion, and his mouth fell open in a silent _oh_ when he finally found her neck.

“What… you…”

Still panting from the bike ride, she stared back at him, shrugging when she didn't manage to squeeze any words through the burning lump in her throat.

He looked back at her face, placing both hands carefully on her arms, and his eyes looked even brighter for a split second before he engulfed her in a hug.

“Is that what… Is that why…”

He seemed unable to formulate a complete sentence as he buried his tear-stained face in her hair, cradling her head with his right hand as his other arm wrapped firmly around her shoulders. She couldn’t even bring herself to say half a sentence, so she just hugged him back, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

“Where you trying to go through that alone?” he whispered, his thumb tracing soothing circles on her shoulder. “What were you _thinking_ , babe? We were there for you. _We love you_.”

“I know, I know,” she rasped, leaning back to meet his eyes. “I just…”

She couldn’t finish the sentence, so she just shook her head and pursed her lips, watching his eyes widen.

“Wait, are you…”

His head turned to face the inside of the building and then whipped back to face her, his mouth gaping as he pointed upstairs.

“Are you the one Ben… _Holy shit_.”

She tilted her head when he cupped her face, feeling her eyes sting with unshed tears.

“Did he tell you?”

“No,” Poe said, shaking his head. “I mean, not about the…” His eyes darted towards her gland for a split second, and he swallowed.  “Not everything. He just said he… He said he _fell in love_ with someone and then did something horrible to them. Is it…” He looked back down, lingering on the purple bruises painted along her collarbone before he whispered, “What did he do?”

“Nothing,” she shook her head, wetting her lips. “Nothing, he did nothing wrong, it was just…”

“A misunderstanding?” he offered, and something considerably more _Poe_ flickered in his dark eyes. “Miscommunication? Emotional constipation?”

She nodded, and that glimmer in his eyes intensified.

“God, I _love_ angst,” he murmured, the corners of his lips curling upwards. “Is this your boom box moment?”

“Yes.”

“Am I ruining it?”

“A little,” she shrugged, offering him a teary smile.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” he demanded, pulling her inside and turning her around. “Go, go, _go!_ ”

She smiled over her shoulder when he pushed her forward, and he just nodded, gnawing at his lower lip.

“ _Go!_ ”

She didn’t look back when she bolted up the wooden stairs, making them creak under the intensity of her leaps. Her body didn’t stop until she reached the landing on his floor, and there she froze, staring at the cracked door for a long moment, fists clenched and chest heaving. Even from a distance, the strength of his scent was inebriating. She sucked in a long breath, letting it calm her; drawing strength from it until she could finally bring herself to push the door open.

He could scent her too, of course. She could see it in the stiffness of his shoulders when he shoved some books into a carton box, in the far corner of his living room, his back to the door.

She stood there for a long moment, watching him move, until he finally spoke.

“You don’t have to do this.”

His voice was strained and hoarse, and it took everything she had not to cross the living room in long strides and run her hands through his hair.

“Do what?”

He didn’t answer, but rather stopped packing his books, bracing both hands on the bookshelf, above his head.

“Can I come in?” she asked softly.

 His shoulder blades contracted when he shook his head.

“Don’t. Please, don’t.” It was a murmured, desperate plea. After a beat of silence, he finally turned around, jaw clenched, reddened eyes searching for hers on pure instinct. “I obviously don’t have any self-control.”

The sight of his tear-stained cheeks was too much for her, so she took two steps forward, her body begging to be closer to his. He responded by taking a step back, shaking his head.

“Stay away. Please.”

“Are you saying that because you want me to stay away or because you think I want to stay away?”

Her voice sounded weaker than she would have liked it to be, and its feebleness seemed to get to him, because he pursed his lips, his face twisting into a pained frown.

“Don’t try to make me feel better. Please. I don’t deserve it.” His shoulders slumped as he leaned against the bookshelf, arms limp. Defeated.  “I won’t even ask you to forgive me because I don’t deserve it.”

Rey shook her head, taking another step closer, and his fists clenched next to his body.

“What is there to forgive?”

He held her gaze in silence, jaw clenched and lips pressed together as if sealing in words he didn't dare say out loud. When he finally averted his eyes, the tormented look on his face made her speak again. 

"Ben. Please. Talk to me." 

“Rey, you…” His voice cracked, and he swallowed thickly as he ran his fingers through his hair, self-loathing molding his face into something that made her eyes burn. “All my life I was terrified of doing that to someone. To some random, imaginary, hypothetical person. Take away their free will; take advantage of a biological condition to… To do something when they’re not thinking straight. I avoided it for twenty years, just to go ahead and do it to you. _You_. The person I…”

“The person you what?”  she whispered, trying to fight the warmth in her eyes as she took another step towards him.

“Don’t come near me. Please.”

It made her heart clench, the way he pressed his back against the bookshelf, desperate to keep a distance.

“Do you really think I wasn’t thinking straight, Ben? That I didn’t want it?”

“You regret it.” The words sounded thick when they fell from his lips, warped by the tears in his voice. “You regretted it the second you snapped out of it.” When he uttered the next words, his voice sounded like it was about to crumble under their weight. “You told me to leave.”

There were tears on his face now, and Rey’s fingers tingled, desperate to wipe them away. 

“No, Ben. No, I…” Were there tears on her face, too? Hard to tell, when her entire body felt so hot. “I wasn’t talking to you. _I’d never…_  I didn’t even _think_ I was saying it out loud, Ben. I panicked.”

She raised her chin and took in a deep breath, trying to steady her voice.

“For ten years I lived in fear of what I’d see if I looked in a mirror. I’d steal glances at car windows, store mirrors, water puddles, _anything_ that reflected my face, always bracing myself for the worst. And then this morning when I saw it I just… I just _panicked_.” The last word was barely more than a whisper, and she breathed again, trying to collect herself. “It all just came rushing back - the fear, the loneliness, the… the _boys knocking on my door_ , the…” 

With a shuddering breath, she straightened her spine, refusing to break eye contact as she wiped her tears. “It was like years and years of pent up fear just crashed down on me. Like looking for monsters under my bed for a decade, every night, just to wake up one day and find them all staring right at me.”

She took another step forward, and now she was close enough to see the dark stains the tears had painted onto his gray t-shirt. They gave her the strength to keep going.

“I was talking to them. To the monsters. Not to you. And I can’t promise you that they’ll never come back. They might come back to haunt me in a minute. An hour. Tomorrow. Next month. Five years from now, randomly, in the middle of the night.” She shook her head, loose wisps of hair tickling her neck, and wiped her cheek on the back of her hand again. “I can’t promise you it will always be okay, but I can promise you I’ll always want you there. Even when it isn’t. Even when the monsters come.” And then, in a pleading whisper, “Especially when the monsters come.”

This time, when she drew closer, he didn’t try to back away. She came only inches away from his chest, craning her neck to look at him, basking in light and caramel.

“I want to do this, Ben. I want to be with you. I want you to stay.”

He shook his head as he worked his jaw, his lips wet from his tears.

 “I can’t… I can’t make you a prisoner of...”

She smiled softly at that, tasting her own tears as she raised both hands to cup his face. He shuddered when their skin touched, his eyes wide and bright as they darted to her lips.

“This isn’t about pheromones. You know it isn’t,” she whispered, tracing his cheekbone with her thumb. “We don’t belong together because we smell like this to each other. We smell like this to each other because we belong together.”

He let out a long, shivering breath, and she sighed when it tickled her face.

“Remember what you said about meeting in alternate universes? How in another life you’d ask for my number?” He didn’t answer, apparently frozen in place, but she took his reverent gaze as permission to go on. “I think… I think no matter how many lives we live, we’ll always find each other. In a coffee shop, a flower shop, at work. In- in the middle of a war fought in space with... With laser swords – _I don’t know_ , Ben. It doesn’t matter.”

She shook her head while she said it, offering him a small smile as she cocked her head.

“We’ll find each other, because that’s where we belong.”

Ben kept staring down at her, unmoving, arms hanging limply next to his body. She tried to pull his face down, closer to hers, but he didn’t budge.

“Touch me. Please,” she murmured, a hot tear trailing down her cheek. “Tell me you want it, too.”

She almost shivered when his hands found her waist, ghosting over her skin as if they’d ended up there of their own accord and he were trying hard to pull them away, but couldn’t bring himself to.

“ _Rey_.”

If she hadn’t been staring so intently at his eyes, and if she hadn’t memorized them so well, she might have missed it when he leaned in. His face was barely an inch closer, but she could taste the increased proximity in each golden speck that shone in his irises.

“I can’t risk you waking up one day and… And thinking…”

She pushed up on her toes, her nose coming mere inches away from his, and placed a thumb over his lips, sealing the words inside his mouth.

“Ben,” she whispered, smiling as she caressed the velvety skin under the pad of her thumb. “Can you unbraid my hair?”

His pupils blew out immediately, consuming a good chunk of the caramel she was reveling in.

“Rey…”

“I mean, it’s been braided for hours and it’s starting to tug at my scalp.”

She tilted her head, still smiling, their faces so close that her lips almost touched the thumb she held over his mouth as she spoke.

“You don’t know what you…” his voice rumbled under her finger.

“I know what I’m asking,” she murmured, locking eyes with him, his breath hot against her fingertip.  “And I know what I want.”

His hands squeezed her waist, a barely noticeable increase in pressure, but enough to push the plea out of her lips.

“Please.” 

He didn’t answer, but something in the molten gold of his eyes gave her permission to slide her hands down his shoulders, his biceps, his arms, finally curling around his own hands. She squeezed them as she walked backwards, pulling him along, and he followed her without resistance, his eyes never leaving hers.

She held his gaze when the backs of her knees met the edge of the couch, and squeezed his hands again as she sat down slowly, neck craned so as not to lose him from view. A shuddering breath escaped his lips when she pulled him towards her, and he sat down in slow motion, making the cushion dip under his weight.

With another smile, she turned her back to him, finally letting go of his hands as she interlaced her fingers over her own lap. From where she was sitting now, she could see the large kitchen window framing the sunset. It hung on the wall like a moving painting, the white clouds looking like cotton against the smears of blue, pink, and orange that bled into each other in the sky.

Her eyes fluttered shut when he ran his fingers softly up her bare arms, leaning in to brush his lips against her shoulder.

“Are you sure?”  he whispered, his breath kissing her skin with each word.

She opened her eyes. When she looked out the window again, a swirl of pink had already engulfed another chunk of sky blue.

“I love you.”

Her words stretched lazily into the emptiness of his living room, like the sun stretching over hardwood floors as it rises in the horizon. He exhaled into her skin in response, tearing his lips from her shoulder as he sat back up, allowing his fingers to continue their journey. They skimmed over her collarbones, travelling upwards and stuttering for a second when they reached her neck, grazing her gland. He inhaled deeply before he went on, placing both thumbs on the nape of her neck and pressing gentle circles into the knot she had there, making her muscles melt under his warmth.

She could only feel the ghost of his touch as his fingers travelled down her braid and tugged gently at the elastic, which he placed carefully next to her on the couch.

“We’ll need that in the morning,” she said, smiling as she grabbed the hair tie and slid it onto her wrist.

Behind her, he let out a huff of air that resembled a laugh, and her smile widened.

She could feel him unweaving her hair in sections, sticking his fingers into strategic points and pulling them downwards gently. He made his way up the braid slowly, like the sky changing colors before her eyes, and she found herself wishing it would never end, just like she did with certain sunsets.

When he reached the nape of her neck, his knuckles grazed her scalp, and she shivered, letting her eyes flutter shut again. She breathed deeply, inhaling a lungful of his scent just as his lips brushed the sensitive skin behind her ear.

“You're beautiful,” he breathed, letting his left hand wrap gently around her neck, his thumb tracing a soft trail along her jawline.

He kept his lips close to her skin as his right hand crawled up her scalp, wiggling gently to undo the rest of the braid.  His lips brushed softly against the shell of her ear before he sat back again, running both hands up her scalp and then down the length  of her hair, smoothing it over her shoulder blades.

As soon as they left her hair, his hands slid down her neck again. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer to his chest as he pressed a kiss to the back of her head.

“The person I love. That’s what I was going to say,” he whispered into her hair.

She smiled and leaned back to rest her head on his collarbone, tilting her head to the side before she brushed her nose along his jawline. 

“I love you,” she whispered, kissing his jaw and resting her hands on top of his. “And I’d feel the same if you smelled like feet. Or dirt. Or chalk.”

“Rotten potatoes?” he asked, and she could feel his smile in her hair when he tightened his embrace around her.

“Don’t push me,” she mumbled against his skin, and the sound of his laugh invited itself into her bones, making her entire body tingle.

Outside the window, the sun did something to do with colors and shapes and textures. It probably did.

They wouldn’t know.

 

___________

 

“Ben, you’re not _listening_ ,” Rey insisted, her voice half drowned out by the chiming bell above their heads.

“I’m listening, baby, that’s why I disagree.”

She rolled her eyes, tugging at his hand to make him look at her.

“You _seriously_ think the stupid _rolling rock trap_ beats human sacrifice, cannibalism _and_ dark magic?”

“Hmmmm… yes?” he answered, furrowing his brows as he brought her hand up to his lips.

She rolled her eyes again in response, and he smiled that crooked Solo smile, letting go of her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulders.

“Seriously, I have no idea how…”

“Ooh, look who decided to grace us with their presence!” Poe cried from the big round table tucked in a corner of Maz’s Castle, his beer raised in the air.

Rey pursed her lips, narrowing her eyes at him before she leaned down to hug Leia and Han.

“Maz,” Poe exclaimed again, looking over at the counter. “Just one mushroom burger! Rey’s riding Solo!”

“That wasn’t funny the first time around,” Ben said as he sat down, still holding Rey’s hand. “Still not funny a hundred times later.”

“I think it’s funny,” Han chimed in, smirking over the rim of his glass.

Leia pursed her lips, looking a lot like someone biting back a smile, and gave her husband the side-eye as she rubbed Rey’s arm.

“Of course you do, you’re twelve.”

Han narrowed his eyes, spilling beer as he set his glass down on the wooden table.

“Oh, so one second I’m an old grump, the next thing I know I’m twelve. Make up your mind, princess.”

“Fun fact,” Poe chirped happily, winking at Rey. “Twelve is the amount of times Benny and Rey can do it in twenty-four hours.”

“Ugh, not in front of my salad,” Rose whined, followed by Finn’s supportive grunt.

“Show Leia some respect, babe.”

“Oh, don’t mind me,” Leia said cheerfully, sipping on her gin and tonic. “The more they do it, the sooner I’m getting grandchildren.”

“Mom,” Ben whined, pinching the bridge of his nose. Rey squeezed his hand, burying her face in his biceps to hide her grin.

“Oh, I’m just teasing you, honey,” Leia said with a wave of her hand and a wink. “Have a beer. Loosen up a little. Your Solo’s showing.  Maz,” she called, looking over Rey’s head. “Maz, can you get Ben a beer?”

“Is Ben here?” Maz asked, placing a burger in front of Rey. “Oh, I’m sorry, I only got Rey’s order. Thought she was… riding Solo.” 

The table exploded in laughter as Rey groaned, wiping a hand down her face.

“Oh, fuck me.”

“Rey!” Poe cried, clutching his chest dramatically. “Not in front of Rose’s salad!”

The snort that escaped Rose’s throat as she sipped her beer only made everyone laugh louder, and, for a second, Rey was worried  Finn might choke on a mouthful of fries.

“Okay, okay,” Rey said, trying to raise her voice above the laughter as she repressed her own smile.  Grabbing the beer Maz had just brought, she raised her hand in the air. “Now that everyone’s had a laugh, may I propose a toast?”

“To Ben soundproofing his apartment?” Rose laughed, holding her ribs.

“Please, God, we can hear them from all the way over here!” Maz said, sitting down next to Han. “They’ll put me out of business.”

“No, but it has to do with fucking,” Rey announced, raising her glass again and smiling brightly. “To Hutt fucking off!”

“To Hutt fucking off!” everyone answered as seven hands joined hers in the air, filling the room with the sound of whoops and clinking glasses

“And to Leia running again!” Rose exclaimed, eliciting another round of whoops. Leia shook her head in response, lowering her glass.

“No, no more politics for me,” she announced, sipping her drink. “I think it’s time for me to pass on the baton.”

Rey could have sworn she saw the woman’s eyes dart in Poe’s direction for a split second as she smiled cryptically over the rim of her glass.

“Okay, well,” Rose insisted, apparently not ready to give up on her toast. “To Rey’s honey pot saving the porgs, then!”

“Honey pot?” Rey laughed, raising her brows. “Seriously?”

To her right, Ben just wrapped his arm around her shoulder, tucking her into his side as he laughed into her hair.

“Oh! Honey! Yeah! I’ve got one!” Poe exclaimed, bouncing in his chair. Under Ben’s jaw, Rey groaned.

“Here we go again.”

“I bet,” he continued, “Rey doesn’t know what happened when we went on a school trip to an apiary in sixth grade.”

“Ben tried to free the bees and got stung so bad he couldn’t wear clothes for a week,” Rey answered unexcitedly, wrapping her arms around Ben, and everyone booed.

“Okay, okay. Ben, why didn’t Rey wear anything but jeans in the summer of 2017?” Rose asked, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Because she burned her leg on the Falcon’s exhaust pipe – nice one, Dad - and she didn’t want it to leave a scar.”

“How does he know that?” Han cried, mouth gaping at them. Rey just laughed harder, burying her nose in the crook of Ben’s neck as he held her closer. “No, no, wait, I’ve got this: how old was Ben when he found out turkeys were actual birds?”

Rey turned her head towards Han, pulling her best poker face as the entire table eyed her expectantly.

“Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock,” Poe said, sipping his beer with a devilish grin. “Ready to lose, Sanders?”

“Okay, okay,” she said, making a scene of raising her hands in the air in defeat. “Do I have the right to guess?”

“Sure,” Han drawled, his trademark smirk plastered across his face.

“Right, so I’d say….” Rey scratched her chin, narrowing her eyes as she looked Ben up and down. It was hard to keep a straight face when he looked like he might burst with laughter at any second. “I’d say he found out when he was… seven. On Thanksgiving. That you,” she said, pointing her beer at a disbelieving Han. “Were the one who broke the news when they showed the turkey pardon on TV. And that Ben,” she beamed, wrapping her arms around his torso again. “Ate cherry tomatoes for dinner. Sobbing.”

“They’re cheating,” Poe cried from his side of the table, pointing at Rey and Ben in outrage. “How can she _possibly_ know that?

“Yeah,” Rose agreed, narrowing her eyes. “How can they possibly know so much about each other? They’ve been dating for, like, two seconds!”

“You know,” Ben shrugged, and Rey could hear the smirk in his voice when he hugged her tighter. “Late night talks.”

“Early morning talks, sometimes,” she added, and he nodded, kissing her hair.

“All day long, really.”

“Rey’s at work most of the day,” Finn said, frowning when Rey giggled into Ben’s chest.

“Technology, grandpa. Welcome to 2019,” Ben answered nonchalantly, pinching Rey’s  arm when her giggle became a full on belly laugh. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they lived happily ever after. =)
> 
> We still have the epilogue coming up, but I already feel kinda sad the ride is over. I don't have the words to describe how happy it's made me to see you guys follow the story, give me your feedback and tell me your theories, vent about your frustrations and fears... Seriously, guys. I can't tell you how amazing you've been. Thank you so, SO much! This is me hoping that the ending's lived up to your expectations. 
> 
> I love your faces forever and ever, just like our space beans love each other. <3


	16. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Trailer's Eve, everyone! Thought I'd wrap this one up today to celebrate all the great Reylo food we'll be getting tomorrow. Hope you enjoy!

 

 

A seagull called high above Rey’s head, but she didn’t open her eyes to look at it. Behind her, pressed flush against her back, Ben’s chest rose and fell slowly, mimicking the rhythmic crashing of the waves almost perfectly, so she just nestled further into his embrace, sighing contently.

“It’s getting cold.”

He kissed the words into her temple, and they lingered there, warm and sweet, tingling her skin. Leaning into the kisses, she made a drowsy effort to assess how warm his arms felt around her and how protective and cozy his bent legs felt on either side of her body.

“I feel warm.”

“Of course you do, you’re wearing my sweater.”

“Finders keepers,” she drawled, inhaling deeply. A bright smile bloomed on her face as his scent flooded her senses, thick and bright, embedded in the navy blue cable knit sweater that was approximately 12 sizes too big for her.

“I literally gave it to you.”

“Hey, do you hear that?” she whispered, finally opening her eyes and turning her neck to look up at him. “I think it’s the sound of weeping.”

“Hm, I don’t think so,” he said, leaning in until his mouth was barely a breath away from hers. “I think it’s the sound of the waves.”  _Peck_. “Telling you to go eat shit.”

He captured the giggle that bubbled out of her chest with his mouth, holding his lips softly over hers for a long moment, his thumb tracing imaginary maps on her neck.

“It’s turning out beautiful, isn’t it?” she murmured, smiling against his jawline as he turned back to face the sea.

“Of course it is, I drew it,” he shrugged, and she laughed again, swatting one of the muscular arms wrapped around her middle. He just shot her a crooked smile in response, his eyes shining almost golden under the fading sunlight.

Bringing her hand to her brow to shield her eyes from the sun and the wind, she sat up straight, looking over her shoulder.

The silhouette of the house sat proudly on the high plateau just on the other side of the road, looking out on the very spot where the beach bended north. Its structure was surrounded by a round cage of branches and boughs that stretched upwards, as if sprouting from the sand-sprinkled grass. Against the first colors of twilight, the cage looked like fingers reaching out for the sky.

It took her breath away every time she looked at it, as if she’d been granted the gift of seeing it for the first time over and over again, in a magical, never ending loop.  _Like kissing Ben_ , she mused as she turned back around, her braided hair swaying with the wind.

“How long till we can move in?”

“Gwen says two months. We think we’ve finally figured out the math for the glass dome.”

“Mhm,” she hummed contently, nuzzling against the crook of his neck. “Sounds good.”

She just stayed there for a moment, nestling inside his arms and listening to the crashing waves until he spoke again.

“We’ll have to deal with my mom when we move in.”

“Ugh,” she said, frowning against his skin. “Who was the genius that told her we’d do it once the house was done?”

“You.”

“Yeah, but aren’t we supposed to be, like… one soul inhabiting two bodies now, or some shit? Which means technically it’s your fault, too.”

His laugh made his entire body shake around her, and she grinned, nuzzling his jawline.

“Seriously, though, I fucked up. We should talk to her.”

“Hey, it’s no big deal,” he murmured, playing with her braid absentmindedly. “She’ll understand if we’re honest about it.”

“I mean,” Rey sighed, turning her head to look at the ocean. Before her eyes, it stretched towards the horizon like an emerald green blanket under the setting sun. Venus winked at her from high above, hanging from the last stretch of sky blue that had managed to hold its ground against the pink-orange dusk.  “It wouldn’t kill us, you know. If we kept it small. No fireworks, no puffy dresses, no trumpets, no bridal march. But still… I mean, it’s the thing we talked about. It just feels…”

“Unnecessary?” he offered, kissing his way down to her neck. “Meaningless?  After this?”

His breath felt hot when his lips touched her gland, caressing the deep indentations his teeth had left there two summers ago. It was fully healed now, two white crescents cradling the raised, tender flesh on her neck – a mirrored image of the mark he carried around his own gland.

“Exactly,” she murmured, closing her eyes as he worked his lips over her pulse point. “Why can’t it be like mating? No red tape. No paperwork. Just us.”

“Well…”

Rey almost protested when his lips left her neck, but something in the way he said, “We could arrange that,”  made her turn around to face him with a side-smile, one of her brows quirked in amusement.

“Eloping still involves paperwork, Ben.”

“Not what I had in mind,” he replied, smiling as he pecked her lips. Never breaking the kiss, he reached out for the sketchbook that lay on the sand, next to his hips.

Opening it, he grabbed one of the brush pens inside randomly, removing the lid with a pop before he held it in his right hand. His arms were still wrapped around her when he took her left hand between his, the delicate pen looking tiny between his fingers.

“Rey Sanders, will you marry me in that beautiful stolen sweater?”

She beamed up at him, watching his hair dance with the wind as she nodded.

“Good call,” he whispered, nuzzling her nose before he turned his attention back to her hand.

 His touch was feather light as he took her ring finger between his forefinger and his thumb, drawing a thin, precise line around it. To her surprise, the ink on her skin was red.

“I, Benjamin Organa Solo, take you, Rey Sanders, to be my wife,” he said as he worked, eyes fixed on her finger. “To have and to hold from this day forward. For better and for worse. For richer and for poorer. In sickness and in health.” Twisting her finger delicately to close the circle, he turned his head, whispering the rest of his vows against her forehead.  “When you’re being a perfect, beautiful angel and when you’re being an insufferable prick. To love and to cherish, till death do us part.” With a smile, he pressed a kiss to her skin, winding his arms tighter around her. “And after that, too.”

As she leaned back an inch, brushed her lips against his, and felt for his hand without breaking eye contact, she wondered idly if a smile could actually split your face in two.

When she had the pen between her fingers, she looked down, cradling his left hand between hers and grabbing his ring finger delicately.

“I, Rey Sanders, take you, Benjamin Organa Solo, to be my husband,” she said, the line she was drawing considerably less elegant than the one he’d drawn.  He pressed his lips to her hair, apparently indifferent to her lack of talent.  “To have and to hold, from this day forward. For better and for worse, for richer and for poorer. In sickness and in health.” The ends of the line weren’t perfectly aligned when she closed it, but she just smiled, craning her neck to look up at him. “When you’re serving me the best dirty talk and when you’re calling me a prick for no apparent reason, like the asshole you are.  To love and to cherish, till death do us part.” His caramel eyes sparkled when she drew closer, nuzzling his nose and grinning against his lips. “And after that, too.”

He smiled her favorite smile as he put the lid back on the pen blindly, his eyes never leaving hers.

“There, done. Ready to go home?”

As the wind wrapped itself around them, their scents swirled together in the dusky pink air, blending as seamlessly as thala-sirens’ voices chasing each other in the twilight. Rey’s eyes darted down to their interlaced fingers, lingering on the twin red rings painted onto their skin before she answered.

“I think I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh. We're done. Let me go cry in a corner. 
> 
> Again, thank you all so, SO much for giving this story a chance and sticking around to see where it was going. Every hit, kudo, bookmark and comment means the world to me. I hope you know that. Thank you, @Anisky, for accepting to beta this fic and being the most understanding, kind, supporting and generous human being ever. 
> 
> My immediate plan is to finish Ruby Woo and *maybe* start working on a Harry Potter AU prompt that *really* caught my eye. We'll see! If you have prompts, ideas or tropes you'd like to see me work on, please, please let me know!! You can also say hi on Twitter and Tumblr! I'm @HeartSabers on both. 
> 
> I love, love, love your faces. Hope to see you soon! 💜

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! So, my beautiful beta (@Anisky) pointed out a potentially triggering aspect of this fic, and we decided we should write this permanent note and be completely open about it. In this universe I've created, designation and gender are *completely* different things. Rey's struggles are largely based on my experience as a bisexual woman in a very conservative country in which, more often than not, queer people like me have to hide their orientations in order to protect themselves. In that metaphorical sense, I'd say designation is more akin to sexual orientation than gender here. However, ABO as a trope is often referred to as "secondary gender", so we've made an effort to show that Rey's Designation Neutralizing Therapy is completely different from something like Gender Affirmation Therapy/Surgery. If you're trans or non-binary and you feel the two things are portrayed as similar enough that Rey's eventual reversion feels problematic for you, please let us know. Do not hesitate to reach out and verbalize your discomfort, and we'll do everything in our power to make the necessary adjustments. 
> 
> As always, I love your faces. Thank you for reading!


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